Now the day is over.

Today I am heartbroken, confused and angry. Gin and tonic alone have helped me get through the day. And yet I found myself feeling forever grateful for all I have in life. Today I went to visit my auntie Polly (who isn't really my aunt). She's 92, has hospice care and won't likely see her 93 birthday. I don't know her terribly well but what I know of her is the true image of a giver with a grateful heart. Her long life of generosity is coming to an end and while I sat by her bedside today, holding her hand, I got the sense that though her life might soon expire, her legacy of giving will not. I have little exposure to a life at the end of its path and there was very little I could understand of her muttering but one word stuck out in great clarity: music. She wanted music. So I sang. I'm not an accomplished singer, I get embarrassed when singing and I can never remember the words but in this moment I was blessed with the ability to sing her one of my favorite hymns: It is well. Never have I tackled something so simple with such difficulty. The tears of a broken heart poured out as I whispered her the words. And it was that moment that helped me to accept the romantic loss I've just been handed. It's not fair, it's not right and I'm still angry. But at the end of a day like this I have life, I have breath, I have the most beautiful baby, I have skillllz, I have more than I deserve. So to the universe, to the many powers that be and to life I say thank you. Because it IS well. Within my soul.

W....T.....F.

I've spent the my entire romantic life worried that someone would leave me. It never occurred to me that I might want to leave them.

For my love, my Cocoa.

I know this is a love song but what stronger love will I ever have than for my Cocoa. So I've spent the evening making her a CD/playlist of all the songs I love. For some reason these two verses brought me to tears so here I share it with you. Make you feel my love, a la Adele: When the rain Is blowing in your face And the whole world Is on your case I could offer you A warm embrace To make you feel my love When the evening shadows And the stars appear And there is no - one there To dry your tears I could hold you For a million years To make you feel my love. Oh Cocoa, love of my life, light of my eyes, you will always carry my heart. xoxo

Dear me...

Dear Kezia of the past, I want to start by saying simply this: All is well. You have know way of knowing this and the demons you battle now are no indication of the future to come. There is so much to tell you and so much to look forward to in your life. One day you'll accept the way you look even before trying to lose weight. It's hard to believe this living in Kansas where no guys pay you any attention but out there are men who think you're pretty badass (which you are). Believe it or not, the world is not like the small-minded, suffocating state you live in now. Not everyone is Christian, not everyone is white, not everyone gets married or has kids and that's all OK. In fact, it's what makes the world interesting, people of different walks of life, believing different things and making different choices. That feeling that you have something special to share is genuine. You just haven't met the right people yet. And you won't soon. It's going to feel like a lifetime until you set your spirit free. There will be heartbreak over feeling unwanted and distress over familial relationships. There will be internal struggle to find who you are, what you believe and what you want for yourself. But the good news is this: you are strong. you are smart. you are beautiful. and you are loved. It's okay to want so much for yourself, it's not selfish and it's certainly not fault of yours that you won't find until long after your friends find it. You have so many strengths but you have one of the worst weaknesses: you compare yourself to others. They marry first, they graduate first, they win first, they slim down first, and the list goes on. But if only you could know what I know which is the best wine ages the longest and you my dear, will settle into who you are one day. Just not this day. So for all the awkwardness you feel over how you look, how you act and where you came from, rest easy knowing it's true what they say: good things come to those that wait. Hang in there kid, you still have your heart to be broken, your political beliefs to take a 180, weight to gain and lose, competitions to win (1st place in some!) and drastic life changes. But I can't tell you everything or you won't end up the person you are today. Just trust me that when I say it's good, it's damn good. :) Your fan in the future.

Fiiiiiiiiinally.

4 1/2 months later I am finally writing the blog entry I should have written oh say, about 4 1/2 months ago. But what can I say? I've been too busy enjoying life, trying to keep up with it and just plain behind on about every damn thing. Better late than never though so they say. Whoever "they" is. Nonetheless, here it goes! I woke up Wednesday, October 31 at 4:30 with what I thought were contractions. Given I had thrown out every pregnancy book somewhere along month 5 of my pregnancy I had to go with what my body told me or at least what I had seen on TV. I decided to call in "sick" to my nanny job and take it "easy"--ha ha! Around 10:00 a.m. Robert and I headed to my haircut because Lord knows I won't miss those for anything and besides in the event I went into labor I had to look good, right? Then we headed to the courthouse for early voting because I wasn't about to miss out on my right to vote! Finally around 4 pm after almost 12 hours of contractions (ouch!) we made the 5 minute drive to LMH! Here I am in my last pic before the big moment: I've never liked hospitals nor have I ever stayed in one overnight so getting comfortable without medication was not an easy task. Given the slow progress in my labor I could not be officially admitted and therefore was without any painkillers for hours--not what I had planned. Unlike so many women I was ready to take full advantage of modern medicine via an epidural, pain meds or whatever was being served. The whole experience would have been so much more painful and draining if it weren't for Robert. He was so amazing that even the nurses commented on what a great team we were! My hope is that remains true for a lifetime. After two whirl tub baths, some pacing, foot rubs and more poking/prodding than I'll ever face again it was time to admit me! Up next was a life-saving cocktail of some sort of mild pain killers and most importantly--an epidural. So at about 11:30 pm I was officially a patient at LMH! The almost 20 hours of labor had worn both me and Robert out so we put on the Avengers and called it a night. After a restless night and having the epidural re administered twice for wearing off the contractions became faster and harder. The situation become rather risky due to complications with my contractions at about 3:30 pm Thursday, November 1 the doctor ordered a C-section if the situation didn't improve within minutes. I don't know what I believe or if I believe anything but in that moment I prayed. I asked Robert to pray and while he was on the phone with some choir members I asked them to pray. Whether it was prayer or fate or nature telling my body to do what it was made for, something changed and Amélia's heartbeat settled enough to prepare for the actual labor part since to this point I'd mostly done nothing but let nurses wait on me. At last it was time and while I don't remember the process very clearly I just remember thinking "this is it". Nothing profound, nothing frightful--just that simple thought. And before I knew it--she was there. In the flesh, in the breathing, beautiful flesh. I don't know really what I felt but I think the overall lack of surprise was the surprise itself. It just seemed so right and so meant to be. Everything else happened very quickly and I don't remember it clearly--in truth I felt very much an outsider rather than the star of the show. I couldn't do anything for myself and had to watch as the doctor frantically cared for the baby, Robert and the nurses scurried around, etc. In short, the whole experience was memorable but not as huge as I expected. I feel like those momentous occasions are coming as we grow with her. That felt like we were gathered at the starting line and the shotgun went off and now I'm in the race. I do know that without Robert and the incredible L&D staff at LMH my experience could have gone very differently. The ease with which everything happened was a true blessing and hopefully as sign of what is to come. Could I be so hopeful? I wouldn't allow pics which I do not regret. It seemed such an intimate moment already shared with a roomful of strangers I can't see why I'd share it with others. I have this one pic immediately after Cocoa was born and it will have to do: In hindsight, I realize how lucky we are to have had such an easy time with our baby but I guess that's the blessing that comes with an unplanned pregnancy? Either way, I can't imagine had I made a different decision. This is it. This was meant to be, God, fate, karma, chance, however you'll have it. And I'm really starting to settle into and cannot wait to see what become of my little Amélia Rose Schrag McNichols. She's chill, she's fiery,she's tough and she's gorgeous and that's just the first 4 months! I know my little mover and shaker will mix things up and I'm so lucky to get to watch it all unfold. :)

I will never be able to offer my daughter the luxuries, protection and advantages the wealthy can but she will never suffer from a lack of love.

C'est la vie

So. Here we are. November 20, 2012. I should've written days ago when all was fresh in my mind but if there is one thing I've learned in these 20 days, it's that everything else can wait. This is hard for me. I see a dish, I want to wash it. I see socks on the floor I want to sort them. I see coats out I want to put them away and it goes on and on. I feel hungry, I want to eat...but my life is no longer my own. My needs, my desires, my wants are not the first and only priority. This is not to say I have lost my sense of self or that my life is now "complete" in a way it wasn't before but rather to say that there is an awareness of how selfless I must be in order to tackle this new challenge: motherhood. The long and short of it is the pregnancy was a breeze but the labor was not. Somehow though I've been blessed with the most amazing partner without whom I could not be doing this. Sure, I would alone if I had to or become reliant on my family more than I am but it'd be so much harder. He's my buddy, he's my hero, he's my love, he's everything I could ask for on this journey. And what a journey it is. The most curious part of all this is how completely natural and normal it feels. Almost as if this was all part of a plan I didn't know existed. Sure, I'm sleep-deprived and a lot has changed but remarkably all seems settled and rather peaceful. We'll see where this all takes us but even now I hear the cry of my wee little one and know it's time to go. There's so much more to say but like I said. It can all wait. Because my daughter needs me! I'm still wrapping my head around that. My. Daughter. MINE! (or rather our's). Cocoa Bean! Mama's coming!!!