.............

So I talked to Mr. Garner's papa tonight and it was a seriously groundbreaking moment that led to some serious thought on my part. Last night I gushed on about the sheer genius of Schubert's D. 960 and while I still feel very affectionate and fond of the piece I'd temporarily forgotten my only true love: Schumann. And after listening to the original ending to his Op. 17 Fantasie over and over and over again I realized that Schubert and Schumann are wonderful and freakishly accurate images for my loves in life. Perhaps because I first fell in love with D. 960 when played by the first love of my life. But more importantly I realized that I love the whole sonata, from beginning to end because it's charming, painstaking in places and overall a complete joy to play/listen to....the beauty is consistent through out and my feelings for it are delightfully strong. BUT....when I listened to the Schumann last movement the feelings it evokes from me are unparalled. It is not just genius, it is divine. It is the most glorious music I have ever heard and the sheer power it holds over me is greater than anything in the Schubert. And although it's only minutes at the end that send waves of emotion through me and leave in weeping out of joy, bliss or pain, those few minutes surpass the entirety of D. 960. Having said that I adore both and I cannot wait for my recital, the Schubert will rock. But much like Mr. Garner they are my first loves and not the one love.....even now as I listen to it for the upteenth time in the last 24 hours my breath is taken away and I'm left entranced. *sigh* I love that Schumann was too self-aware to leave the original ending if only because it makes the original ending more scarce and therefore more enticing. What a man. I could love a man like that forever. So I've had my Schubert....now to wait for my Schumann. And on an ending note, I have to say my talk with Mr. Garner Senior did more for me than any analyzing, fretting, discussing, mulling or doubting I've done over the last years. Well done good sir, for today I thank you. :)

today

I can't imagine anything more genius that D. 960. Good times with a new friend! Pants are totally optional. New planner! In need of some red wine. Gimpy wrist no more. Horowitz's timing is enviable. Nothing beats an LP. Feeling rather triumphant. Wishing I had more than chicken sausage for dinner. New GAP sweater for $12, whoo hoo. Seattle on the mind. Can't wait to whore up my lips with red again. Madly in love with the right man: Schubert. Loving my mom. Accepting I'll never get Movement IV as fast as I should. Repeated listening of original ending to Op. 17 and overwhelming tears of joy. Reveling in my solitude. Best start to any year so far!

2011. For realz.

So every year since I can remember (which isn't saying toooooo much) I have written some sort of 'end-of-the-year' entry which used to be in handwritten form but thanks to modern advances comes via my highly neglected blog. So here we go, a recap of things I am most grateful for in 2010. In random order...

1)my parents: they will always, always make list but just this week I went through photo albums from my childhood (back when I was much cuter) and I appreciate even more the lengths they went to create a happy, healthy, memorable childhood for me. Their continued devotion to me is overwhelming and I owe everything I am to them. You rock Mr. and Mrs. Schrag.

2)My health: sure I have weird back problems and the occasional sore throat and whatnot but I am cancer and disease free. We really take that for granted in the U.S.! But really, the fact I am average has never been such a blessing.

3)my boyfriends: I use that term loosely because it seems so unfamiliar after Mr. Garner not letting me use it. Ha. Anyway, in 2010 I dated several really nice, good guys. High on potential? Not so much. Hot? Definitely not.... Genius? Not quite. But each of them was a good guy to whom I owe tremendous thanks for treating me well, being loyal, and making me feel worth more than I probably am.

4) my jobs: I know it's cliche but really...some days I walk away from an effing good piano lesson I'VE given or a great choir performance and think wow, these people actually pay me for this. I get paid to do something I love! How many other people can be so excited about their jobs?

5)my Tier 1: There is only one Tier 1. Need I say more? No really, what more can I even say. It's one thing to have a best friend but to be someone's best friend? That's a whole different ball game. One I'm willing to play.

6) Mmm, a kiss: I had one of the best kiss(es) I've ever really had. If only he knew. I'm sure he does. You don't whip out that kind of talent without knowing. Thanks what's your name.

7) Steven: Doesn't he always make the list? When you're such a badass you're bound to I suppose. He never ceases to amaze or inspire me but this year was particularly good. Mostly this recent occasion when out of exasperation with me not knowing my niche he exclaimed "You're a fucking good teacher!!!" I know I'm a decent teacher but someone who's the master of the art telling me I'm good at it. No better compliment.

8)Forgiveness: After tremendous soul searching I found myself willing and able to forgive two particular people who never even offered apologies. Arrogant perhaps but well-intentioned. I can't carry this bitterness around forever nor would even they want me to so I've let it go. Like any potent disease though a few scant pieces remain to be purged out in 2011.

9) Give a little, get a little: This by far was the hardest to adapt to but on multiple occasions I found myself letting someone help me. I don't know why that's so hard or so foreign but it is. On one occasion LL helped me after I'd done something for her and while I was reluctant slowly I realized, huh, that's what it's like to give and get. Who knew.

10) Puppies: I know, I know. Why is this here? Well, because I am not in love, I am childless and because I'm not afraid to admit or go after what will make me happy. And puppies are the damn cutest things ever. Especially Lask and Janelle's two poodles. One day I'll have my own and my life will be complete. I've abandoned unrequited love now that I'm in my 30s since it controlled my 20s so damn men and kids, I just need my own little pooch. One day. You hear that people? My happiness will be complete and then what? :) Bliss.


Welcome 2011, bring on my dma. Did you hear that? DMA. Dr Schrag. This is the moment.

Love Actually & leftover pizza...

"Worse than the total agony of being in love?" Nothing worse. Out of love in 2010 and out of it in 2011. Whew.

Reeeally?

So many men, so little time. I found out my biological grandmother wanted to keep me. What a difference that would've made. I have a plan and I think it's going to work. It's been confirmed, I am indeed an upgrade. Mr. Garner's dad sent me a xmas card, shot to the heart. Ree Ree just grabbed her ass, heheh. I've learned to forgive without an apology. My thighs may not be small but they match my big heart. The color black will aways look good on me. I've been carb free for 3 days now. I fell again today. But again someone was there to pick up the pieces. Red wine solves all my problems. Most importantly, I am someone else's Tier 1. That means more than haivng my own Tier 1.

coulda, shoulda, woulda...

Today was really quite glorious in all of its lazy splendor but it's that time again when I become reminiscent. Damn Christmas and it's jolly cheer and romantic feel and chilly days that leave you longing for the cozy arms of that special someone. Or really anyone at this point. And damn Mr. Garner's dad for trying to find me and stirring up those prickly thoughts I've held at bay for so long. My auntie polly's alzheimers is so bad these days that it's often a battle for her to do the simplest of tasks but you know there's the tiniest of pluses to it. She has no bad memories. Mostly beause she doesn't have any memories but still. I was just thinking tonight how much easier life might be if not for the past. Yeah I know it builds the future, I know it forces me to grow, I know we learn from it, blah blah blah. But the painful sting of things gone wrong might best be left to the slipping memory if possible to manufacture such a crutch. I don't know, I'm rambling and verging on becoming emo but I'm just saying that tonight I found myself mulling over a very vivid memory of an aiport run Mr. Garner and I made where his fear of commitment (or rather me I guess) was momentarily MIA. I just remember so effing clearly the feelings we shared and the sincerity in his apology, his affection and most of his enthusiasm. Yet two weeks later when I returned to him it was all gone. How I have no idea. Why? Probably he doesn't even know. Just false hope that it was all going in the right direction. And yeah, I'm no longer in love and I'm not even in lust. I'm in content. Can you be 'in' content? In a state of content. That's me. But I have yet to learn what benefit that experience was to have and what I was supposed to learn. So let's hope that there's the possibility of an early onset of alzheimer's and Mr. Garner isn't one of those people I actually recall. Because after all that and the way it ended? Damn false hope too. Nothing kills the spirit faster. So enough for tonight, I can't wait to wake up to tomorrow and start a new day. One that's bound to be full of new memories, good and bad, funny and not, memorable and forgettable but one thing's for sure, tonight belonged to Mr. Garner but tomorrow is all mine. Got that?

what the *%$!

i want to have a real job! and i want to be in some impressive branch of law and wear nice, expensive suits every work day and have manicured nails and know i'm going to always afford what i need. i want that too! i want to be done with school and i want to be her right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what have i done with my life?!