Reeeally?

So many men, so little time. I found out my biological grandmother wanted to keep me. What a difference that would've made. I have a plan and I think it's going to work. It's been confirmed, I am indeed an upgrade. Mr. Garner's dad sent me a xmas card, shot to the heart. Ree Ree just grabbed her ass, heheh. I've learned to forgive without an apology. My thighs may not be small but they match my big heart. The color black will aways look good on me. I've been carb free for 3 days now. I fell again today. But again someone was there to pick up the pieces. Red wine solves all my problems. Most importantly, I am someone else's Tier 1. That means more than haivng my own Tier 1.

coulda, shoulda, woulda...

Today was really quite glorious in all of its lazy splendor but it's that time again when I become reminiscent. Damn Christmas and it's jolly cheer and romantic feel and chilly days that leave you longing for the cozy arms of that special someone. Or really anyone at this point. And damn Mr. Garner's dad for trying to find me and stirring up those prickly thoughts I've held at bay for so long. My auntie polly's alzheimers is so bad these days that it's often a battle for her to do the simplest of tasks but you know there's the tiniest of pluses to it. She has no bad memories. Mostly beause she doesn't have any memories but still. I was just thinking tonight how much easier life might be if not for the past. Yeah I know it builds the future, I know it forces me to grow, I know we learn from it, blah blah blah. But the painful sting of things gone wrong might best be left to the slipping memory if possible to manufacture such a crutch. I don't know, I'm rambling and verging on becoming emo but I'm just saying that tonight I found myself mulling over a very vivid memory of an aiport run Mr. Garner and I made where his fear of commitment (or rather me I guess) was momentarily MIA. I just remember so effing clearly the feelings we shared and the sincerity in his apology, his affection and most of his enthusiasm. Yet two weeks later when I returned to him it was all gone. How I have no idea. Why? Probably he doesn't even know. Just false hope that it was all going in the right direction. And yeah, I'm no longer in love and I'm not even in lust. I'm in content. Can you be 'in' content? In a state of content. That's me. But I have yet to learn what benefit that experience was to have and what I was supposed to learn. So let's hope that there's the possibility of an early onset of alzheimer's and Mr. Garner isn't one of those people I actually recall. Because after all that and the way it ended? Damn false hope too. Nothing kills the spirit faster. So enough for tonight, I can't wait to wake up to tomorrow and start a new day. One that's bound to be full of new memories, good and bad, funny and not, memorable and forgettable but one thing's for sure, tonight belonged to Mr. Garner but tomorrow is all mine. Got that?

what the *%$!

i want to have a real job! and i want to be in some impressive branch of law and wear nice, expensive suits every work day and have manicured nails and know i'm going to always afford what i need. i want that too! i want to be done with school and i want to be her right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what have i done with my life?!

A few of MY favorite things.

*the sound of muted trumpet tooting out of my alarm clock
*my new duvet
*the smell and taste of coffee
*getting that last annoying eyebrow plucked
*holding hands...how I miss that right now
*the aural chaos of an orchestra tuning
*the way thaddeus wants me to hold him after he's woken from his nap
*chopping things like garlic and onions
*the smell of my mom's perfume
*how much I laugh with little laura
*pellet ice and a foam cup
*how a picardy third makes all that was wrong right in the world
*falling asleep
*being in love
*a good shoulder rub
*how my dad always says goodbye with: geht mit gott
*my grey sweater that's ridiculously soft
*the scent of a freshly shaven man
*being hugged by someone stronger and bigger than me
*a well-intentioned wink
*the crack of creme brulee
*the last sentence of a book
*a handwritten letter
*a good first kiss
*the colors of autumn
*anything Christmas
*Tom & Jerry cartoons
*whore red lipstick
*the feeling of how special my teacher makes me feel
*being adopted
*believing in an all-powerful, loving God
*Bach G Major cello suite
*any puppy!!!
*my memories of Mr. Garner
*the way Mozart just naturally sounds in my hands
*that my parents pray for me every day
*smoothies
*the original ending for Schumann's Fantasy
*honey!
*sleeping in just enough to feel relaxed....

'tis a sweet memory

Tonight I went to my first symphony orchestra concert in way too long. Why do I wait for those? They are hands down my favorite musical concerts to attend. Solo piano pales in comparison to the greatest repertoire and the extensive palette of colors. I have such fond memories of going to the symphony when I was little and how mesmerizing it was to see so many people interact on stage, guided by only the music and one man....since I've only ever seen 2 female conductors. Ever. What gives? And besides, solo recitals are just so...freaking boring usually. Singers can pull off a decent one here and there but come on, I'd be lying if I said I enjoy a recital. I suppose that's after years of going to mediocre performances given only as a requirement. Plus, I'm pianoed out for the most part. Oh and there's a very strong nostalgic feeling for me when it comes to orchestra concerts. They're so magical!!! Tonight's was just beautiful and the soloists were incredible. It was just lovely, lovely! Next time I can't and won't wait so long. :)

Aw man...

I had the absolute worst dream last night. It wasn't scary nor was it prophetic, no one died, I wasn't hurt. It was awful because it was so real and so satisfying. Until I woke up. Somehow I was in a situation in which some weird natural disaster of sorts, like a storm, hit the area and I was running for my life, barely able to survive. But somehow I got into a basement area with a bunch of people and survived. After I emerged into the outdoors and people were scrambling to find each other and make contact with their loved ones I got a call from Rachel. Just asking if I'd survived and in that very question all of our feelings were resolved and forgiven. The pure elation of forgiveness and resolution were so real and felt so strongly even in my sleep. Immediately following that call I ran into Mr. Garner and somehow we found ourselves in a rather affectionate embrace, also culminating in unsaid apologies and filled with incredible hope. Even in that moment in which you are almost awake but not quite...I felt so peaceful and blissful, unlike I have felt in years. After forcing myself to open my eyes for a split second I felt so free and joyful thinking all was right. But then my heart became heavy again with the awareness that I will never experience such happiness with either of those people....god dammit.

Wow...

This week I got the following:

"You're not married are you?" -- my 8 year old student.
"You're a kid huh?" --same student
"Your hair is cute. It's much better than some of the other cuts you've had." -- 'friend'
"So you just sing and dance and play piano right?" -- my 12 year old student on being a music major
"It's nothing personal..." -- my teacher kindly lying to me probably to spare my feelings
I can't remember the other humorous ones....shit.

Ooh, but this one was nice and much needed:
"You look good. But you always look good." -- my male fan

Blah, this week sucks.