Reeeally?

So many men, so little time. I found out my biological grandmother wanted to keep me. What a difference that would've made. I have a plan and I think it's going to work. It's been confirmed, I am indeed an upgrade. Mr. Garner's dad sent me a xmas card, shot to the heart. Ree Ree just grabbed her ass, heheh. I've learned to forgive without an apology. My thighs may not be small but they match my big heart. The color black will aways look good on me. I've been carb free for 3 days now. I fell again today. But again someone was there to pick up the pieces. Red wine solves all my problems. Most importantly, I am someone else's Tier 1. That means more than haivng my own Tier 1.

coulda, shoulda, woulda...

Today was really quite glorious in all of its lazy splendor but it's that time again when I become reminiscent. Damn Christmas and it's jolly cheer and romantic feel and chilly days that leave you longing for the cozy arms of that special someone. Or really anyone at this point. And damn Mr. Garner's dad for trying to find me and stirring up those prickly thoughts I've held at bay for so long. My auntie polly's alzheimers is so bad these days that it's often a battle for her to do the simplest of tasks but you know there's the tiniest of pluses to it. She has no bad memories. Mostly beause she doesn't have any memories but still. I was just thinking tonight how much easier life might be if not for the past. Yeah I know it builds the future, I know it forces me to grow, I know we learn from it, blah blah blah. But the painful sting of things gone wrong might best be left to the slipping memory if possible to manufacture such a crutch. I don't know, I'm rambling and verging on becoming emo but I'm just saying that tonight I found myself mulling over a very vivid memory of an aiport run Mr. Garner and I made where his fear of commitment (or rather me I guess) was momentarily MIA. I just remember so effing clearly the feelings we shared and the sincerity in his apology, his affection and most of his enthusiasm. Yet two weeks later when I returned to him it was all gone. How I have no idea. Why? Probably he doesn't even know. Just false hope that it was all going in the right direction. And yeah, I'm no longer in love and I'm not even in lust. I'm in content. Can you be 'in' content? In a state of content. That's me. But I have yet to learn what benefit that experience was to have and what I was supposed to learn. So let's hope that there's the possibility of an early onset of alzheimer's and Mr. Garner isn't one of those people I actually recall. Because after all that and the way it ended? Damn false hope too. Nothing kills the spirit faster. So enough for tonight, I can't wait to wake up to tomorrow and start a new day. One that's bound to be full of new memories, good and bad, funny and not, memorable and forgettable but one thing's for sure, tonight belonged to Mr. Garner but tomorrow is all mine. Got that?

what the *%$!

i want to have a real job! and i want to be in some impressive branch of law and wear nice, expensive suits every work day and have manicured nails and know i'm going to always afford what i need. i want that too! i want to be done with school and i want to be her right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what have i done with my life?!

A few of MY favorite things.

*the sound of muted trumpet tooting out of my alarm clock
*my new duvet
*the smell and taste of coffee
*getting that last annoying eyebrow plucked
*holding hands...how I miss that right now
*the aural chaos of an orchestra tuning
*the way thaddeus wants me to hold him after he's woken from his nap
*chopping things like garlic and onions
*the smell of my mom's perfume
*how much I laugh with little laura
*pellet ice and a foam cup
*how a picardy third makes all that was wrong right in the world
*falling asleep
*being in love
*a good shoulder rub
*how my dad always says goodbye with: geht mit gott
*my grey sweater that's ridiculously soft
*the scent of a freshly shaven man
*being hugged by someone stronger and bigger than me
*a well-intentioned wink
*the crack of creme brulee
*the last sentence of a book
*a handwritten letter
*a good first kiss
*the colors of autumn
*anything Christmas
*Tom & Jerry cartoons
*whore red lipstick
*the feeling of how special my teacher makes me feel
*being adopted
*believing in an all-powerful, loving God
*Bach G Major cello suite
*any puppy!!!
*my memories of Mr. Garner
*the way Mozart just naturally sounds in my hands
*that my parents pray for me every day
*smoothies
*the original ending for Schumann's Fantasy
*honey!
*sleeping in just enough to feel relaxed....

'tis a sweet memory

Tonight I went to my first symphony orchestra concert in way too long. Why do I wait for those? They are hands down my favorite musical concerts to attend. Solo piano pales in comparison to the greatest repertoire and the extensive palette of colors. I have such fond memories of going to the symphony when I was little and how mesmerizing it was to see so many people interact on stage, guided by only the music and one man....since I've only ever seen 2 female conductors. Ever. What gives? And besides, solo recitals are just so...freaking boring usually. Singers can pull off a decent one here and there but come on, I'd be lying if I said I enjoy a recital. I suppose that's after years of going to mediocre performances given only as a requirement. Plus, I'm pianoed out for the most part. Oh and there's a very strong nostalgic feeling for me when it comes to orchestra concerts. They're so magical!!! Tonight's was just beautiful and the soloists were incredible. It was just lovely, lovely! Next time I can't and won't wait so long. :)

Aw man...

I had the absolute worst dream last night. It wasn't scary nor was it prophetic, no one died, I wasn't hurt. It was awful because it was so real and so satisfying. Until I woke up. Somehow I was in a situation in which some weird natural disaster of sorts, like a storm, hit the area and I was running for my life, barely able to survive. But somehow I got into a basement area with a bunch of people and survived. After I emerged into the outdoors and people were scrambling to find each other and make contact with their loved ones I got a call from Rachel. Just asking if I'd survived and in that very question all of our feelings were resolved and forgiven. The pure elation of forgiveness and resolution were so real and felt so strongly even in my sleep. Immediately following that call I ran into Mr. Garner and somehow we found ourselves in a rather affectionate embrace, also culminating in unsaid apologies and filled with incredible hope. Even in that moment in which you are almost awake but not quite...I felt so peaceful and blissful, unlike I have felt in years. After forcing myself to open my eyes for a split second I felt so free and joyful thinking all was right. But then my heart became heavy again with the awareness that I will never experience such happiness with either of those people....god dammit.

Wow...

This week I got the following:

"You're not married are you?" -- my 8 year old student.
"You're a kid huh?" --same student
"Your hair is cute. It's much better than some of the other cuts you've had." -- 'friend'
"So you just sing and dance and play piano right?" -- my 12 year old student on being a music major
"It's nothing personal..." -- my teacher kindly lying to me probably to spare my feelings
I can't remember the other humorous ones....shit.

Ooh, but this one was nice and much needed:
"You look good. But you always look good." -- my male fan

Blah, this week sucks.

Rain day blues

Today is just one of those quirky, exhausting days on which you accomplish very little. I had a great piano lesson and if I may say so (which I can b/c no one reads this...unless they accidentally google me), I taught a damn good lesson. Damn good. And I just love it so much, it's days like this when I think,yeah, I AM meant to do this. And it brings a satisfaction nothing else could. So why does it have to be coupled with the annoying sensation of helplessness? Gosh. What the F. Lesson learned....well, I don't know. To let go? Perhaps. After all is said and done, apologies made, patience tested, prayers said and all possibilities exhausted I'm still put out. So what now? What now....meh. You can't win 'em all.

Oops.

Well, I clearly abandoned my health blog but mostly for two reasons:
1. I didn't have internet at the time so it was hard to get on here daily.
2. After my recital things fell apart and there was no point admitting that daily I was jacking things up...

Anyway, let's hope this year goes better and the truth is summer is the devil for me as far as eating well and getting exercise. Who wants to eat healthy when you can grill burgers and hot dogs? Or go to the gym when it's a sauna outside and you can lay out at the pool? Whatev. So goes life. Or at least MY life. Last night I was thinking as I was falling asleep to Renee Fleming's Haunted Heart album and started to catalogue what I might choose as my favorite albums ever..tough decision. So in an effort to update my blog (because lord the world is anxiously awaiting my next entry) I've decided to include a list of my current favorites, in no particular order, which will always be subject to change....

1) HAUNTED HEART by Renee Fleming
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLbSwaWaFx0

I remember 'borrowing' Mr. Garner's copy and becoming so addicted I had to buy my own. There is something magical about Renee's voice in all of her performances but this album in particular strikes my fancy. Part of it is the mellow tone and jazzy/lounge feel of the album and unfortunately part of it is the sentiment I associate with listening to it. It's perfect for an evening drive in any weather, many of which I made with Mr. Garner in the snowy nights of Moscow. Ah, so bittersweet.

2) TRANSISTOR RADIO by Matthew Ward
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Bct-85hb7c

I don't usually find myself listening to anything besides classical and jazz but I heard about this album on NPR, go figure. I decided to check it out after the review on NPR and I really, really loved it. So much that I got another album of his: Postwar. In general when it comes to singing I fall for anyone who has a voice that I really like regardless of the lyrics or ensemble. There's something catchy but subdued about his music. I like the ensemble and the playfulness but along the way there's something underlying that makes me sentimental or sad. But in a good way! Much the same way I feel about Mozart? The solo guitar version of Bach's C Major Prelude gets me every damn time. :)

3)BEETHOVEN TRIPLE CONCERTO AND CHORAL FANTASY with Yo-Yo Ma, Daniel Barenboim and Itzhak Perlman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ave3q4rbW30

Now talk about an all-star lineup! So I fell in love with Beethoven's Choral Fantasy when I was about 8 or so, I would listen to it endlessly on my walkman (yes that's right my walkman) and it was a live performance and I nearly died with excitement at the ending followed by thunderous applause. I don't know what recording it was but I eventually found this one of Ma, Barenboim and Perlman, also a live performance. It's a bit theatrical but they can't help it, when you're that famous it comes with the business I think.

4) THE MELODY AT NIGHT WITH YOU by Keith Jarrett
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhKMzN_RcCI

This might be my favorite album EVER. Might be. The tenderness and sensitivity of Jarrett's playing in combination with some of my favorite songs ever is purely blissful if not heartbreaking. Can it be both? Everything from the choice of songs (yes, they're 'songs') to the interpretation to the coverart is just amazing. Only one addition would make it positively my favorite ever: the addition of Over the Rainbow. But it's good he doesn't include it because my little heart couldn't take it following Shenandoah, Someone to watch me, Porgy and Bess, etc. Bravo Jarrett! I should admit that I have overwhelming sentimental feelings with this one too! Crap. Damn love for skewing my favorites...

5)BEETHOVEN CELLO SONATAS with Sviatoslav Ricther and Mstislav Rostropovich
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-nwSJ06wVE

Now I actually own this on LP so the link isn't the CD but either way it's all the same thing. This is an absolutely divine album! It's amazing how what happens when you bring together 2 of the most brillian musicians of our time with one of the greatest composers ever. Plus, I'm sucker for cello, perhaps my favorite instrument. The playing and interpretion by these geniuses is monumental and the added crackle of the LP makes for a truly powerful performance.

I have to go now but the other 5 will be here eventually... :)

Day 5

Well, it's been a good day. I had my mini-orals with Reber (that sounds dirrrty) and they went well. I finished my paper and it's not bad, not necessarily good either though...whatev. Ate all day long somehow and now just sitting! Here's an estimate of what I consumed:

Breakfast:
frittat (egg scramblers, mushrooms, potato, tomatoes, onions and cheese) 4 pts
coffee with milk

Snack:
Coffee with milk

Lunch:
Baked Doritos 3 pts
carrots/broccoli with 2 tbsp ranch 3

Snack:
Orowhat thin and w.w. cream cheese 2

Dinner:
Salad 1
lean cuisine 6

Snack:
Yogurt 1
p.b. 2
w.w. cheese/turkey 2


So over by 1 point (24 total) but not too bad. Especially considering I was soooo hungry. Oh wait, I did have a cinnamon roll. Dammit! It was homemade and worth every point/calorie. Probably 8? Take that out of my weekly allowance. Dammit Kezia. Better luck tomorrow. :)

Day 4

Okay, so after a good day yesterday I'm trying to keep it going. Somehow those sacrifices of yesterday make me feel that I deserve a treat. But we all know I don't. Ha ha. I'm at Blue Chip working on my paper and it smells so delish that I want some food but lord knows it's not exactly healthy. Maybe I'll slip over to Hy-vee and get some saltines and fruit. Or yogurt? Can you do that? Bring food into here? OR oh my gosh, get a smoothie from next door. yeeeeah.

Breakfast:
oatmeal (3)
p.b. (2)
coffee with milk (1)

Snack
saltines (2)
w.w. american cheese (1)
coffee, coffee and more coffee (1)
Snack:
soft pretzel (6?)
Snack:
popcorn (1)
orowheat thin and cream cheese (2)
Lunch?:
Salad (3)

Oh my gosh, too many carbs today. Plus too much time to think about being hungry. It's only 7:15 and I've used 22 of my 23 points. And I haven't eaten dinner nor do I feel full. In fact, I feel hungry. Crap! I think crackers, popcorn and orowheat thins should not all be consumed in the same day. So soup for dinner. On a brighter note, I did buy a pair of patent black kitten heels for $10 last minute for my recital and I've discovered they're my new favorite shoes. Not bad for $10.

End to Day 4:
1/2 a bag of broccoli
2 tbsp hummus
1/2 cucumber
honey bunches of oats (sans milk) 2 cups?

So I kind of killed it with the cereal but Nathan brought it and it's like my crack. Still, that kind of snacking is better than what I ate a year ago: pizza, chips, candy. It feels good. Oh and my paper is done so I'm going to read myself to sleep. Good day, overall a damn good day.

Day 3

Well, I went to my W.W. meeting today and was up 2 lbs. Now, that's obviously noooo good and now I know the damage of vodka gimlets, jimmy john's, burgers and candy in such excess as I consumed them. Having said that, I am more motivated now to lose the total 2.8 I gained in the last 3 weeks than if I had weighed in at or below last week's weight so there's the silver lining. I had a strong start to my eating today, check it out:

breakfast:
1/2 frtta (3 pts)
orowheat thin (1)
w.w. cream cheese (1)
sugar-free, + fiber jam (0)
coffee with milk (1)

And I've already downed 45 ounces of water....ooh, plus I worked out for 55 minutes ans surely managed to sweat out all the vodka from last night. So it's doubly good for me! Now, here's to hoping the rest of the day goes well....brb.

Okay, part 2 of the Day 3:

Lunch:
smoothie (4pts) -- this is a guesstimate, I think it was more like 3...but better overestimate than under. and I LOVE smoothies!!!!

Dinner:
1/2 cup rice (wild/white/brown mix) (4)
1/3 lean ground beef (3)
1/4 black beans (1)
1 slice w.w. american cheese (1)

Snack:
raspberry mint tea (0!)

So not bad overall. But I'm quite hungry and it's only 9:15 and I need to write so let's hope this tea carries me over. As for my mental health I've done very little today but some good things happened. Like I found a paper worth recycling, my boss approved my San Diego trip and my auntie's helping me out. Stay tuned for tomorrow!

p.s. I used 19 of my 23 points but now I'm getting McDonald' ice cream (3) so....yeah, well done! Which is a good treat for a job well done on my Schubert. Heheh.

Day 2

Well, today is off to a better start than yesterday. I hope to hit the gym and I have NO excuse not to except that I don't reeeeeally want to go. I've decided to get rid of a LOT of my clothes. Luckily, many of them just don't fit well anymore and I think that by keeping them around I'm giving myself the option of gaining weight. That's NOT good. So I'm going to work on that in a few....write more later. I just know you're dying to hear more!

Breakfast:
fritta (egg scramblers, tomatoes, potato, mushrooms, onions, lunch meat)
coffee with skim milk

(not bad kezia, not bad at all)

Okay, so here's the follow up of yesterday:

Lunch:
rice, beans, ground beef and cheese
1/2 yogurt
vodka and crystal light

vodka gimlet (2) and vodka cranberry (double)
Can you sense a theme here? So all that vodka caught up with me and after seeing Finn Riggins (which was awesome!) I downed a Jimmy John's Slim 5 (which is anything but slim b/c it packs salami, provolone and some other fatty meat) and salt & vinegar chips (which frankly should be illegal in bags that market themselves as 1 serving but are actually 2!!!!!!!!!!!!). Don't worry, I'm not really thinking it should be illegal but the truth is that even thin or fit people (which are not necessarily the same!) don't need that kind of food. The Midwest should do what they do in Seattle which is blatanly post the calories/fat/nutrition info. at the menu. Because no matter what your metabolism does for your body your inner organs do not need saturated fat, massive quantities of sodium, processed food, etc. Let's get healthy people! Especially since I just found out K.C., Mo is the 6th fattest city in the country!!!!

Day 1

Okay so I've decided to do a wellness blog....my goal is to write even the tiniest bit everyday as recap of the daily improvement of my physical and mental well-being. Mostly I want to journal my eating habits because after losing 30lbs I'm in a bit a rut or easily distracted by pizza, beer and other things. So here it goes!

Today I ate horribly from the very start.
Breakfast: coffee with milk and pb&j tortilla wrap (not bad)

Church time snack: 5 cookies....shiiit son. And not teeny tiny ones but saucer-sized ones made from scratch with loads of butter, sugar and coconut. Heavens.

Lunch: I'm not sure I actually had this?

Snack: rice with black beans and low-fat cheddar cheese (probably passes as lunch?)
something else not so healthy but I can't remember what.

Dinner: 2-egg scramble with turkey, tomatoes, low-fat cheese, mushrooms and onions
double-fiber whole wheat english muffin with REAL butter
(oops, i'll just poo it out though with all that fiber)

So no fresh fruits or really any fresh veggies, lean protein was ok, too much fat and not enough filling foods. Damn. I blame church and those cookies. God provided them. On a happier note, I took the day for myself to regroup. I cleaned thoroughly (minus my roommate's tower of crusty, week-old dishes), did laundry and spent a good hour or so at Hastings reading gossip magazines. That is perhaps my favorite indulgent waste of time! I love going alone and sitting anonymously gorging on the tabloids and all the useful information they have to offer. So tomorrow's got to start stronger...I see it ending weakish because we're supposed to go downtown and drink but like most things I think will happen it probably won't. And that might save me some calories! Okay, eat well, be well, and make wise choices. Ta-ta!

Who

Hmph!!!

It's official. If there is a God...he hates me. The longest winter ever...followed by a tease of 60 degree days and then snow. And the Jayhawks lost to a No. 11 team. Fine, hate me if you will!!!

Thaddeus.

Oh little Thaddeus. He's just great. He's smart, he's cute, we have a lot of fun together, he likes me....the problem is he's 3 and he's not mine to keep. And after spending the afternoon together I got to wondering if maybe motherhood might be far more satisfying than music. Because the truth is I don't see the two going hand in hand. I'm following this blog about a social studies teacher who's agreed to eat school lunch everyday to experience first hand the rapid decline in public school lunches. Anyhoo...she said it's impossible to create an elaborate meal when you're 30, you work and you have a family so she has to plan every meal on the weekend and shop according to this unchangeable list. EVERY damn meal! I could never do that nor would I want to but...at the same time I don't want to practice and I don't want to do anything piano/music related. So what's a girl to do? I've wanted this doctorate forever and I will get it, soon actually. Well, soonish. But what IF I had gotten married in my 20s and cashed in my degrees for a downpayment on a house. And I stayed home taking care of the home and my kids...I wonder. It's not to say you can't have a career and a family nor am I saying that's not my hope. But...the truth is you can't be the best piano teacher and the best mom. I've already seen people try. Music is so unlike most careers. I remember Mr. Costa telling me "there are no holidays, there are no weekends. We are not like the mailmen. We have no days off." And it's true! Even over this break I saw my friends at Murphy late into the evening, like 11 or 12 p.m. and it's break!!! And I should clarify that by career I do not mean maintaining a single-digit sized 'studio' out of my home. I mean teaching in a university or a starting and running a music prep school for high schoolers, adjucating, performing, collaborating, etc. I guess all this seems so far in the future and so unlikely (marriage/kids) that I can sleep worry free for now. But somewhere in the back of my head is a mini Tad nagging at me, beckoning me to join a game of baseball, even without the bat and ball. Or to go fishing indoors with a jump rope as a lure. Or to make invisible cookies (truly calorie free) and to play golf with a tennis ball. If only I were a man and I could marry some unsuspecting girl to be all that I need and maintain my career. Oh and not have feelings. Ha ha. Oh well. For now I'll postpone practicing and enjoy Tad. Tomorrow we're going to the pet store! Who knows what wonders we'll find there.

!!!

Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!!!

Oh my.

Today I was up a pound but I deserved it. I'm remotivated. I hate the piano and missed my calling as a housewife. I made picadillo minus the jalapeno this time and it's lacking...but at least it's edible. I emailed Mr. Garner and it feels good for some reason. I worked out. Only 200+ calories but that's more than if I hadn't gone. Hot tub is actually hot tonight. Vodka is calling my name. "keeeeezia" it whispers, beckons. My zit is still on my forehead remind me I am 30 with the skin of a teenager. I saw Steven for the first time in weeks--he's SO great. Laura and I had dinner again tonight. We're gonna be real happy living together I can tell. Or hate each other. One of the two... :)

Ode

Zit on my forehead
How I hate you.
Zit on my forehead
Go away, shoo!
Zit on my forehead
Just let me be.
Zit on my forehead
Was one,now three?!
Zit on my forehead
One day you'll go.
Zit on my forehead
No longer my foe.

Life's unfair...

...because on days like this I miss you far more than you deserve.

Blah.

I feel so gross right now. I ate pizza last night, half a calzone tonight, lucky charms just now, the $145 temporary filling I had already came out (after 2 days!) and my eyes itch like crazy b/c of the cat. Ahhh!!!! Help me!

bibbity bobbity boo!

Tonight I ate at Teller's and it was magical!!! The baked goat cheese....oh my gosh, it was orgasmic. And bread, bread, bread! With olive oil. Mmm. Ooh, preceded by a vodka gimlet on the rocks--just how I like it. And roasted chicken with a mushroom risotto and crunchy cooked green beans. Ohhhhhhhh man. Then free tiramisu for the birthday girl! So much fun. And totally guilt free. Well, not guilt free, just minimal after reaching my 25 lb. mark. *sigh* What a lovely evening. If only everyday was like yesterday or today....oh and bryce got into rice!!!!!! I'm so excited for him! And a wee bit envious. As I should be. :)

*sigh*

It's been a good day. No, it's been a GREAT day. I went to my WW meeting this morning and reached 25 lbs!!! So that's awesome. Even if people haven't noticed or are afraid to tell me they've noticed. Whatev. I notice. Ha! I FIIIIINALLY got new contacts after stretching a 1-year supply into 2. Heheh. And new glasses, first time in 13 years. I'm just making that number up. I have no idea how long it's been. A damn long time though. A whole day with my auntie--who I absolutely adore. And I paid off 2 bills I've been chipping away at for a few years. A few years!!! I ate healthily today and am under my points. Take that fat. And an evening with two of my leading ladies at the movies...what a truly lovely day. Now to put the finishing touches on..by sending a rather dreadful email. Gross. What an end to a seemingly perfect day. Except...that I should feel better. Emphasis on better. Oh on a happier note, after taking my car to get 'fixed' it turned out nothing was wrong with it. If only I could say the same about myself.....meh. I'm off to click send and try to fall asleep. Zzz. :)

10 things I learned this week.

1. It is as important to resist temptation as it is to avoid it.

2. I do not like double-fiber, whole wheat english muffins. Who's idea was that anyway???

3. I am totally meant to be a mom. I have more fun with Tad than...well, than anyone.

4. Just because someone is better than Mr. Garner does not make them good enough for me.

5. My brother will always be my brother. No matter what.

6. I should only ever have short hair. Not everyone can say that...but I can.

7. People stress out WAAAAY to much for Steven's tests.

8. 1 1/2 slices of Papa Murphy's pizza IS enough.

9. Coffee from Dunn Brothers will always be better than coffee I make at home.

10. I am a coward.

the pursuit of happiness

So you know that movie? With Will Smith and he plays this down on his luck guy who never gives up and in the end gets all he's ever wanted? Except his wife--I don't think he got her back. Anyway, the morale of the story is you work hard and you get what you want or deserve. Okay, that's a real bastardization of the morale but it's close. And then that phrase is used by a lot of people who are against socialized medicine because it infringes on the right to pursue happiness by actually making people happy. Or something weird like that. I read it in an article--how the constitution gives us the right to 'pursue' happiness but does not actually entitle us it. Well, that's a whole different blog because I have too many thoughts on that topic. Thoughts that drive people are apart and therefore are better left unsaid. Thoughts that evoke reactions that cause me to think ill of people. Funny how politics work like that. Not that I see health and well-being of a nation as politics, rather as an obligation. Never mind that, I want to think about happiness. I'm happy. Or at least I think I am. in fact, I'd say I'm happier than the average person and happier than the majority of people with whom I fraternize. That may be an exaggeration but I think it's true. I'm not afraid to buy my own flowers or get a pedicure during the winter when no one's going to see it. I like flowers and I'm not going wait around for others to buy them because they probably won't pick up on the fact they're my FAVORITE gift. And I'd love to show off my pedicure in some new sandals but I get the pedi b/c it makes me feel good and I can enjoy how great they look in the privacy of my home even during winter's coldest months. My weakness has always been men. Not always, just as of late...in my 20s. Okay, just one guy, Mr. Garner but he was potent. I've manned up (which is more than I can say for him, ha!) and realized that it's okay not to look like Jennifer Garner or sing like Kristin Chenoweth. Besides, I don't want to look like a man and I can sing well enough already that I don't want to belt at an obnoxiously high decibel. So in general, I am happy. Truly content and very, very happy. So now I wonder...why aren't the people around me? Or are they and I just don't see it? I mean people are always complaining to me and trust me, I don't really mind but if things are so awful why not just fix it? If you hate your school then stop complaining and get the hell out of there. If you think you can't get a guy b/c you're too ugly or fat then try your charming personality instead. Or if you have no confidence in what you're doing why are you doing it? I've been called selfish....by people I liked and people I disliked. I'll agree to that. Somewhat. The weird thing is I tend to be more compassionate and generous than any of the people who said that about me. Regardless, I'll take selfish over pushover and helpless anyday. Because most of the time I'll do whatever I can to help someone. Like host them for an entire weekend or pick them up/take them to the airport repeatedly for free! Or talk someone down or out of a bad mood...if only you could know how many times I have done that. Or reason with someone or advise them. That's not something selfish people do. Anyway, what the hell am I talking about...I was supposed to be in bed by now. Thank you to my four-letter word for waking me up. I hope everyone's happy....come on guys, I can't live your lives for you!!! I should note, I did get flowers last week. And I didn't even buy them myself. :)

Fly on a wall

Sometimes I feel like a fly on a wall...when eavesdropping and pretending to ignore right-wing chit chat based on the lies of Fox News. *sigh*

I've been here before....not the fly on the wall part. This moment in which I am overanalyzing everything. Oh crap, my solitude has be interuppted. Poop.

I love these rare moments in which everything in the world seems to be just right. *sigh*

Sehr gut

Life is good right now. So good in fact...that the best it's ever been? Perhaps. Perhaps. Here I am sitting, cozy and in good company. My favorite buddy and me. Or white laptops and our self-help books and tea and endless tubes of chapstick. I miss my parents but know they're home waiting for me to visit again. My niece and nephew loved their little presents, inexpensive as they were. Laska still loves me too. I met a boy. A smart, nerdy but cool english teacher. Who would've thought. I've made amends as of late. Now if I could just find the perfect black pullover hoodie...life would be positively perfect.