wondering when

I'm wondering when I'll stop dwelling on so many unnecessary details. It's been all-consuming today and I wasted a perfectly good afternoon wallowing instead of working. I'm an adult and I'm content enough that I long for little else and yet little things just set me off today, what the crap. I'm no longer disgusted by the way I look or the size I am, though I should note I find it amusing when people comment that I'm skinny when technically according to my bmi I'm still obese, but whatever. I'm not desperate enough over how I play the piano to feel like I need to sound like an asian or win competitions or play perfectly so why does it get under my skin when others exceed my abilities or have the confidence to take chances I dare not. And I have so many friends I don't even know what to do with them so how come I find myself envious when I see pictures of you having a good time without me, especially since we can't even be in the same place at the same time anymore and even if we were I doubt it'd be the same. What gaping hole is inside me that has left me incapable of not only comfortably witnessing but also not enjoying the successes the people around me experience. I know I don't always feel like this, thanks be to God, but that even a brief stint can so easily cripple me is really disturbing. The good news is that one, I enjoyed a rigorous 70 minute workout to purge my body and my mind and two, I am even more motivated to blow this popsicle stand and by stand I mean Lawrence (and by Lawrence I mean Kansas, which means the midwest). There is a stirring in my heart and I hear the call of the northwest so please bless me Father with the means to return to where I belong. Or of course provide me with a rich husband, that would work too. Heh.