C'est la vie

So. Here we are. November 20, 2012. I should've written days ago when all was fresh in my mind but if there is one thing I've learned in these 20 days, it's that everything else can wait. This is hard for me. I see a dish, I want to wash it. I see socks on the floor I want to sort them. I see coats out I want to put them away and it goes on and on. I feel hungry, I want to eat...but my life is no longer my own. My needs, my desires, my wants are not the first and only priority. This is not to say I have lost my sense of self or that my life is now "complete" in a way it wasn't before but rather to say that there is an awareness of how selfless I must be in order to tackle this new challenge: motherhood. The long and short of it is the pregnancy was a breeze but the labor was not. Somehow though I've been blessed with the most amazing partner without whom I could not be doing this. Sure, I would alone if I had to or become reliant on my family more than I am but it'd be so much harder. He's my buddy, he's my hero, he's my love, he's everything I could ask for on this journey. And what a journey it is. The most curious part of all this is how completely natural and normal it feels. Almost as if this was all part of a plan I didn't know existed. Sure, I'm sleep-deprived and a lot has changed but remarkably all seems settled and rather peaceful. We'll see where this all takes us but even now I hear the cry of my wee little one and know it's time to go. There's so much more to say but like I said. It can all wait. Because my daughter needs me! I'm still wrapping my head around that. My. Daughter. MINE! (or rather our's). Cocoa Bean! Mama's coming!!!

Wait for it...wait for it....

Somehow, in some way, of all the things that I could be right now I am almost entirely content. Perhaps the sense of urgency I should be having is around the corner or...perhaps this is the way things were meant to be. God or no God, Karma or no karma, fate or no fate....here I am living a life I could not have ever imagined I would choose but now that it's chosen me I have to admit that it's better than anything I could have come up with on my own. Heavens knows I tried with all the wrong people and at all the wrong times so it's almost unbelievable that an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, shacking up with my boyfriend and reevaluating all of my spiritual beliefs would bring me to such a place of satisfaction. Who knows what the coming weeks will be like and based on what I've heard I can't say I'm *really* looking forward to the lack of sleep, the pain, the insatiable hunger, the adjustments, etc. but I will say this: I could not be more blessed to have the amazing people I have, including the one on the way. So here it goes, a last few days or maybe even weeks of this life I now know left to be enjoyed because the jig is up! Game on! Come on Cocoa Bean! Let the games and fun begin.

How in the world...

Did I get so lucky that: *my Tier 1 is the BEST Tier 1 in the world. Hands down. *my favsian is the cutest, most likeable asian. Period. *my buddy is quite possibly the best match for me. How I'm lucky enough to call these people my friends I'll never know. Le sigh.

Epiphany!

Today was special in so many ways, no extraordinary ways by any means but special nonetheless. I realized that all this time I've been worried and tortured over something that has yet to happen. Granted, this pregnancy is totally unplanned and there are still times I want to throw a tantrum, a la 3-year-old Kezia, and get my life back to the way it "was"--complete with nightcaps, skinny jeans, Weight Watchers and energy that lasted through an entire day. But. Here I am, 5 1/2 months along and gearing up to welcome our little cocoa bean and it took until today to tackle my worst fear: raising a daughter. Ha ha! I've always wanted a boy, that's no secret but the moment I found out it was a girl my heart was plenty content. But those nagging insecurities of raising a girl have haunted me for so long now. Those unanswered questions of how do I raise a daughter without the same issues I endured? And if it'd been a boy, what's his name would have to the role model while I stood idly by, content with being a good mom. Now, the pressure's on! Or so I thought. It took just one person's reaction to my announcement that I was having a girl to make me think...what the hell! What if I don't impose my own weight issues on my daughter and I don't try to live vicariously through her and I don't try to make her someone she's not. WHAT IF....I instill the right amount of confidence, the right amount of grace, armed with plenty of wit and some mad martial arts skills while showing her how to embrace her beauty as a strong, independent, thinking woman?! What if she knows how to drive a stick, parallel park and the major stats of the NBA. What IF. What if she grows into being the badass I think she will be. What if I'm successful and she takes the world by storm like she could. What if she grows up happy, loving herself, valuing her body, her mind and her spirit? It's totally possible, I just hadn't thought about the alternative outcome until now. So game on, Cocoa Bean! Hurry up and get here so I can show you all the things I love about being a female--the sheer strength we can exude under pressure, the love we can emote, the way the right heels empower me, how fun it is to get made up and how beautiful you're going to be even when you're not and the way your precious, lively spirit is going to light up this world like no one I've ever known. I can already tell you're a mover and a shaker! So Cocoa Bean, I'm going to make mistakes--we both know that but I promise you this...that in all I do I will do my best to be the role model you deserve because if it weren't you I'd never have realized how awesome it is to be a woman. One day you'll see too!

Boo hoo.

Today I am a whiny mess. I'm hot, I'm stuffy/congested, I feel gross, I know I look gross, I'm anxious, I'm lazy, I'm bummed, I'm overwhelmed and I'm tired of being told to "track my weight" as it goes up (which isn't half as fun as watching it go down), I'm sore/achy, I'm nothing I want to be in this moment. If I were a 3-year-old I'd be throwing a very nasty temper tantrum. But I'm not. So here I am spewing this negativity into the world wide web hoping I'll feel better in 3....2....1.

You can't always get what you want.

Ain't that the truth? And why not? Why can't I get everything I want? Don't I deserve it? I guess not or even if I did, so goes life. I guess I just never in a million years expected to be here again. On the receiving end of the emotionally unavailable. What does that even mean? And who the fuck wants to live like that anyway? Why would you choose to stay like that? And take the chance of missing out on all the great things in life? Including moi. I just can't tell if I'm overreacting or if I'm about to do the wisest thing I've done in a long time. All I know is that I've been down this path before and the scenery looks the same. But this time the outcome could be much worse. OR...it could be the ending I've wanted all along but that's not up to me, now is it? For the record, I am emotionally available, I am loving, doting person who would make you the center of my world if given the chance. I've always known I wanted a career and was pretty sure I wanted a marriage or at least long-term relationships (since we know the idea of marriage is a crock anyway). The jury was still out on kids and yet look at where I am. I have no career, I have a 'suitor' who doesn't know what he wants and a kid on the way. It seems like all has gone to hell in a hand basket. Now, I know it hasn't. All will end well and it will all work out--the hard pill to swallow right now is that it's likely things won't end the way I'd like them to have. My parents tell me to pray--I've done that before and look at my life. Whether my prayers go unanswered or this is all part of a masterful plan to which I am not yet privy, I don't know. People tell me to be patient--last time I was patient I got my heart broken--I won't let that happen again. Some say just tell him how it is--either it's all of me or none of me. That seems premature, dramatic and perhaps risky but at the same time....somehow right. Oh gosh. If only I could have a stiff drink right now I know that'd clear my head. Or at least muddle it enough that I don't care so much that I need to resolve things today. On the other hand, I have a haircut tomorrow morning bright and early so I can at least return to the person I'm meant to be--a short-haired person. Hee.

Everyday.

Everyday contains a struggle and everyday contains a joy. My job right now is to battle the former and remember the latter. Easier said than done, like most real things in life. I feel like every morning I have to convince myself I'm doing the right thing while simultaneously battling faculty, patrons and feelings that tell me I'm not. Granted, these are not the 'same' things but the feeling is overwhelming. I've prayed, I've wallowed, I've pondered and so it all continues. What's really, truly magical (or Godly, whichever way you believe) about this whole hot mess is that amidst the self-absorbed, calloused attitudes of certain 'men' (to use the term quite loosely), a handful of the most amazing people have revealed themselves to me. The friends I have are amazing. Simply put: AMAZING. Not once have I been doubted, questioned or judged but always loved, comforted and validated. Then, certain professors I could not have imagined being so helpful, so gracious and so available have made a difficult situation tolerable. Barely. Ha! No, in truth, if it weren't for some of these helpful people I'd have gone postal on KU a long time ago. And frankly, it'd be well-deserved. So while unanswered questions will continue to keep me awake when I'd rather be sleeping and the future is shaky at best, I am doing my very best to keep things in perspective. If only said disappointments who shall remain nameless might have had the balls to do the same. Here in lies the disadvantage of me being a better 'man' than many....

Who'd have thought.

Wow. That is all I can really say. Wow. When all was wrong in the world and the timing was horrible and I had no real feelings about the future...the unexpected and unplanned happened. And here we are. Early days but a buzz of excitement, a tangle of nerves and the feeling that things are going to change. It's unbelievable how amazing people are, even when you've known all along that they are. Despite the mistakes I've made and all of the foolish things I've done, the people I love the most love me just as much in return. And now I'm ready to share that love in a way I never imagined could happen right now. Mum's the word for now but let's just say the impossible has happened and although at first it didn't seem so good...I think it's all going to be just fine. Just fiiiiiine.

omg. really?

I am about to explode or go insane. Or both. In reverse order. Between theory professors, patrons, bosses and churches I am on the brink of something...something not so good. Argh. Where's a baseball bat and desktop (a la Office Space) when you need one?

uhhhhhhhh.

I am a roller coaster of emotions from anxious to doubtful to elation to whiny to anything and everything in between. I don't know the cause of my ever changing feelings but I do know it's wearing me out and no doubt wearing on the patience of those around me. I feel so immensely disappointed with myself and instead of that motivating me to get things done it's just "weighing on an already heavy mind" (name that movie!). More importantly, it's so all-consuming I'm left blind to see and therefore enjoy the lovely happenings around me. I can't tell if I need a spanking/attitude adjustment or a hug and soothing pep talk. I think I just feel overwhelmed and beyond help. And since neither a spanking (unless kinky) or pep talk are on their way, here I am venting to the most neutral audience--the internet. Okay, so in an effort to ease my mind and make things seem conquerable, here are my main worries and possible outcomes. In no particularly overwhelming order....

1) student loans: I checked my history and the amount I owe is whopping, ridiculous and unnecessary. I have gotten myself into quite a pickle (and not a dill or sweet but one of those nasty marinated ones from the Casbah). I *WISH* someone would have guided me or informed me in the decisions I made or at least advised me to attend cheaper schools. It's weird how encouraged I was to attend FU b/c they're Christian and private. Here's a memo: God will not pay off my loans and the world is not private. So big mistake #1. (this is not to say God won't help me find a job or guide me to be able to pay them off...)

Solution ?: KU, U of I and FU were all willing to help me get these loans. Surely the financial aid department has someone who will help me set up payments and give me advice. Right? Phone calls being made this week.

2) what's his name: I've never been good at confrontation in person and am ill-equipped to express myself succinctly for fear of rejection. I swear that's the main reason I have yet to find the right person. Not b/c of my inability but because the timing would be horrible.

Solution ?: What's his name is the most honest, clear communicator I've known and the easiest person to talk to so the ball's in my court. If I can't be honest with him, I have no hope. So apology and explanation coming this week.

3) next year: Every year I think I'll move and start a new chapter of my life. And each year I don't I feel my confidence as a person diminished severely. Aaaah, people must have given up on me by now. I don't even feel like I have the right to be proud of graduating anymore. Sheesh. SMH. And what am I even going to do? Where am I going to live? And what about what's his name?!

Solution ?: Teaching in Lawrence/KC may not be as glamorous as Seattle and it may be disappointing but...it's work and it's near my family. And I'll always have somewhere to go as long as I have my family and my friends. And as far as what's his name....well, that one's not up to just me. *sigh*

Okay, so 3 major issues shouldn't be enough to alter me so much I can't recognize myself. So here's a deep breath in and a big sigh out...the silver lining is that by the end of 2012 I'll still have met my goal met, still be Dr. Schrag and still be loved at the end of everyday. That's not so bad is it?

And another one bites the dust.

Well, this was the year. The year I wasn't going to feel left out and yet...here I am. Left out. Home alone drinking vodka and diet tonic while listening to Billie Holiday and Lester Young. To be fair, I had a FABULOUS 48 hours with what's-his-name just days ago and it was easily the best Valentine's Day celebration I've had. Of course that's 1 of 3 so it didn't take much. Mutual attraction, interest and appeal was all I needed. So plans to spend the evening drinking Svedka with my 'wife' was a great plan until I was totally one upped by a rich businessman--the kind I'll never know about. Nonetheless, as one who savors her solitude I'll just say that while it's not what I planned, que sera, sera. And as always, I got to thinking. Thinking about marriage--NOT b/c it's on my mind but because 2 light bulbs went out and as the sole changer of light bulbs in our household I got to thinking of the benefits of marriage. So in random and pointless order, coming to me as the vodka speaks, I'm considering the trite reasons I would like to get married....

1) So I'm not the only person who changes light bulbs and fixes thing around the house and more importantly can default such annoying tasks to someone else who is inevitably more skilled at it than I.

2) So I can have someone to warm up my car and scrape off the ice on days in which my car needs it.

3) So I don't feel left out on days like Valentine's Day when everyone else is with someone. Or Christmas Eve when I'm stuck at church working instead of with my family like again...everyone else is.

4) So I can use my husband as an excuse when I don't want to participate in something...like my married friends (except Holly) do.

5) So I decrease my chances of getting Alzheimer's, heart disease and diabets--true story. On Yahoo as we speak.

6) So I have some to care for...how cliche I know but by nature I'm a giver and carer so it seems fit that I'd be able to fulfill that. Of course a puppy would be fine too.

7) So I have some to kiss every morning and every night.

8)So I can have peace of mind knowing I am marriageable. I've finally accepted I'm dateable but marriageable...jury's still out fo' sure.

9) So I can cross off that major worry from my parent's list. I know they want me to be married and I want to make them happy and give them peace of mind too.

10) So I don't grow old alone.

I realize there are many reasons I don't want to get married, like picking up after someone constantly, worrying about my unpredictable and rather moody digestive system, the overwhelming worry that they'll cheat or stop loving me, wondering if they'll realize I'm not *quite* as cool as they thought I was, that they'll find someone hotter/smarter/sexier/lovelier than me, feeling tied down and all of the other feelings that come with a terminal relationship but for tonight....*sigh* I'll just drink a bit more vodka, listen to a little more Billie Holiday and enjoy myself just as I am because that's all there is. For now. ♥ ♥ ♥

The highs and lows in the week of a girl from the land of the not quite right.

High #1) the image of David and Jason competing to see who could do the Can-Can the fastest.
Low #1) all of the delicate decisions I must make regarding my job. Ugh, I hate being a grown up.

High #2) being told I'm making all the right decisions by my Tier 1. Whew.
Low #2) gaining back the exact 2.4 lbs I lost in the previous week. My bad.

High #3) being told I am missed. Such a simple sentiment and yet so...reassuring.
Low #3) cramps. enough said.

High #4) Little Laura's choice of the Sci-Fi sound as her alarm clock sound. Hahaha!
Low #4) Not getting enrolled yet = can't go to the gym. :(

High #5) Sliders, movies and vodka gimlets
Low #5) Insatiable cravings triggered by aforementioned sliders and gimlets.

High #6) Great lessons with Lil' Jackie Winerock.
Low #6) Not even getting invited to Spooner's surprise birthday party. That's fine.

High #7) Phone date with Nate Salazar Slytherin.
Low #7) Nagging insecurities over my future.

High #8) New dress and jacket!!!
Low #8) Losing my iphone headphones. Dammit, dammit, dammit.

High #9) Slow morning with LL yesterday.
Low #9) Still not finishing Schubert. Because blogging is clearly more important. Ha.

High #10) Clear, honest communication from what's his name over calling when I want to.
Low #10) It's 2 pm, I am not showered, haven't written a word on Schubert, haven't practiced, haven't worked out and I am hungry and sleepy. Wayull....que sera, sera.

And because I need to end on an upper....1 week from now I'll be having more fun than I am right now. Hee hee!

Porque no?

Someone needs to invent a business that delivers thoughtful gifts of your own choosing for delivery at random times. I'm just saying. It's the same reason I'm ordering myself Valentine's flowers--because I deserve them and why should I wait for someone else to do it? Frankly, despite how cliche it is, receiving delivered flowers is one of my most favorite gestures ever and how many times has it happened? A few. And always by the same person: my father--one of the may reasons he is the BEST man in the world. I think we're responsible for our own happiness and while others often bring it to us, what's so shameful about going after it for ourselves? So in an effort to delay writing about Schubert (however momentarily), I am making a list of the "top" 5 things I am going to by myself in the coming months, regardless of the total lack of surprise involved. Ha!


1) Aristocats (the Disney movie): because I could watch that scene "Everybody wants to be a cat" over and over and over again and still be in tears from laughing so hard.

2) An expahnsive candle: because I love the scent of a quality candle and again, it's so cliche people don't buy them for gifts much and if they do they tend to be cheap or vanilla or both.

3) Flowers: I've already found the ones I want delivered to me on Valentine's Day, now just to order them!

4) A new CD: In this age of itunes, spotify and sirius radio, CDs are no longer a hot commodity. Except to me! I must say this is something Mr. Garner was really good at picking out for me. Gone are those days--thanks be to God. So to Hastings for something that tickles my fancy.

5) A cute or sentimental postcard: They have the most fabulous ones at The Raven and the Dusty Bookshelf and I always think, shoot, I wish someone would send me that. Wayull, I can't expect anyone but me to read my mind so this week I'm going to do just that!

I should close this by saying I've received the most thoughtful gifts from my Tier 1 who is a pro at such things and just today my auntie gave me 2 great little gifts that she picked out just for moi. I am spoiled and I am loved. My only point is I can't be loved too much. Even if by my own self. :)

All you need is luv

So I've been delaying this post because I'm afraid it sends the wrong idea and it seems premature but what the heck, this is *my* blog and I do what I want. I've been thinking about love of all sorts and in any context because it's something that's easy for me to exercise. Yet after many years, much reconsideration, countless hours of over analyzing and too many wasted tears, I've come to the very real conclusion that I, Kezia Joy Schrag, have never been in love. I thought I had been in love but in hindsight I think it was infatuation with a hint of obsession. When you love someone you don't compromise yourself, you find yourself becoming a better person because of them right? And your life becomes one of mutual companionship, not an imbalance of giving and getting. I could go on and on but I want to get the point which is simply that I've found a new favorite song that perfectly describes how I feel about love. For the full effect, view the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4phAaJKQIE

For now, here it goes, in the voice of Billie Holiday:

When somebody loves you
It's no good unless he loves you - all the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you - all the way

Taller than the tallest tree is
That's how it's got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue see is
That's how deep it goes - if its real

When somebody needs you
It's no good unless he needs you - all the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all the in between years - come what may

Who know where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if you'll let me love you
It's for sure I'm gonna love you - all the way, all the way

*sigh* Perhaps one day I'll feel like this and if not, it's not meant for me and that's okay. We'll see. There's a good 50 years left if all goes well. What's the rush? :)

How much .... is too much.

I'll never really know I guess. How much is demasiado. All I know is that the girl in me says I want to go with my gut instincts and say what I want, when I want regardless of frequency or tone. And yet, the woman inside me says not to--that I'll become *that* girl. Where is the line between sweet and suffocating? The difference between thoughtful and obsessive? *sigh* And if I deny myself the chance to initiate in an effort to avoid becoming the one who always initiates then isn't that playing mind games? Even if only with myself? So what am I to do....Argh. Que sera, sera I suppose.

4 - week goals

So today I set 2 goals with my WW leader. The timeline is starting 1/18 and ending 2/15. They are:

1) Run the entire 4m Love 2 Run couples race, mit oder ohne eine freund. (party of 1 please?)

2) Lose an average of .6 lbs a week for a total of 2.4 lbs.

IF I reach both goals I'm rewarding myself with an hour massage!!!
If I reach only 1 goal I get to buy new earrings. Not bad. On a more personal note my current goal is to keep my expectations low so that in the event things don't work out the disappointment is minimal. How negative that might sound but honestly I just can't take getting excited and getting disappointments so really it's just realistic, self-preservation. Okay, here we go, bon chance, viel gluck and buena suerte!!!

2nd blog like a hobbit's 2nd breakfast

Top reasons today was better than usual:

1)bedtime recitations in German (technically happened *today*)
2)discovered new favorite song to replace previous favorite tainted by jerk who broke my heart.
3)breakfast with my Tier 1.
4)discarded half my clothes b/c they're too big.
5)singalong with Tier 1.

NYE Resolutions!!!

After much debate over whether I should even make any I've decided on 5 attainable resolutions. In no particular order:

1)GRADUATE: because Kezia Schrag sounds cool but DR. Kezia Schrag sounds even better.

2)Relearn the splits--b/c I *used* to be able to to them and they're bound to come in useful (ha!)

3) Reach my goal weight: 21 lbs to go but lost 35 in a semester so a 21 in a year should be easy peasy.

4)Learn a lullaby. In Spanish. Because it's been requested.

5) Every day thank God for at least 1 thing because heavens knows there's 100+ a day for which I have to be thankful.

That's it! 2012 is going to have its ups and downs for sure (like every year) but if the first few weeks are any indication the rest of the year should be pretty freaking awesome....

Meine mutter ist die besten.

As of today I am 32 years old, at my driver's license weight, a size medium at the Gap (which is b/c they run super large now), growing my hair out a bit, in love with ice water, the Tier 1 of one of the best people I'll ever know, finishing up my doctorate, smitten, healthier than ever, and so much more. But above all of those trivial things I am officially 'friends' with my mother. And why should I not be? The advice she gave me tonight was not only exactly what I needed to hear but delivered with an intensity that made realize I had to take it [the advice]. If only I could have realized sooner that only my mom knows how I need to hear things....after all, she's the woman who raised me and to whom I owe my overwhelming satisfaction with life. So here's to you Mom, may 2012 be the start of getting to know you, getting to know all about you....getting to like you, getting to hope you like me.

And that's the truth.

I have only one Tier 1. Without whom, no one else matters.

Wayull.

I love people who no matter how short or long their stay in your life turns out to be, you'll always remember them.