uhhhhhhhh.

I am a roller coaster of emotions from anxious to doubtful to elation to whiny to anything and everything in between. I don't know the cause of my ever changing feelings but I do know it's wearing me out and no doubt wearing on the patience of those around me. I feel so immensely disappointed with myself and instead of that motivating me to get things done it's just "weighing on an already heavy mind" (name that movie!). More importantly, it's so all-consuming I'm left blind to see and therefore enjoy the lovely happenings around me. I can't tell if I need a spanking/attitude adjustment or a hug and soothing pep talk. I think I just feel overwhelmed and beyond help. And since neither a spanking (unless kinky) or pep talk are on their way, here I am venting to the most neutral audience--the internet. Okay, so in an effort to ease my mind and make things seem conquerable, here are my main worries and possible outcomes. In no particularly overwhelming order....

1) student loans: I checked my history and the amount I owe is whopping, ridiculous and unnecessary. I have gotten myself into quite a pickle (and not a dill or sweet but one of those nasty marinated ones from the Casbah). I *WISH* someone would have guided me or informed me in the decisions I made or at least advised me to attend cheaper schools. It's weird how encouraged I was to attend FU b/c they're Christian and private. Here's a memo: God will not pay off my loans and the world is not private. So big mistake #1. (this is not to say God won't help me find a job or guide me to be able to pay them off...)

Solution ?: KU, U of I and FU were all willing to help me get these loans. Surely the financial aid department has someone who will help me set up payments and give me advice. Right? Phone calls being made this week.

2) what's his name: I've never been good at confrontation in person and am ill-equipped to express myself succinctly for fear of rejection. I swear that's the main reason I have yet to find the right person. Not b/c of my inability but because the timing would be horrible.

Solution ?: What's his name is the most honest, clear communicator I've known and the easiest person to talk to so the ball's in my court. If I can't be honest with him, I have no hope. So apology and explanation coming this week.

3) next year: Every year I think I'll move and start a new chapter of my life. And each year I don't I feel my confidence as a person diminished severely. Aaaah, people must have given up on me by now. I don't even feel like I have the right to be proud of graduating anymore. Sheesh. SMH. And what am I even going to do? Where am I going to live? And what about what's his name?!

Solution ?: Teaching in Lawrence/KC may not be as glamorous as Seattle and it may be disappointing but...it's work and it's near my family. And I'll always have somewhere to go as long as I have my family and my friends. And as far as what's his name....well, that one's not up to just me. *sigh*

Okay, so 3 major issues shouldn't be enough to alter me so much I can't recognize myself. So here's a deep breath in and a big sigh out...the silver lining is that by the end of 2012 I'll still have met my goal met, still be Dr. Schrag and still be loved at the end of everyday. That's not so bad is it?