Hmph

How and why is it that one person can change you in hundreds of ways but you cannot change yourself in the one way that means forgetting that person? I mean really, fourteen months later I cannot fully accept my life sans Mr. Garner and I still get that lurking feeling that he'll always linger in the most unwelcomed memories and dreams. Even now he rudely interrupts my dreams although with less frequency than say 6 months ago. Even one of my favorite pastimes--cleaning --summons deep pangs of affection for him. No matter what I do! Organizing my c.d.'s reminds me that half of my meager collection I owe to him. Same with books. And movies. And every other bloody interest in my life. See, this is the problem with falling in love with your best friend. Sure, it's GREAT in the movies because you end up together and live this incredibly perfect life that transcends even the most likely romances but in real life? Not so hot. I mean it's a whole new world finding people to share in all of Mr. Garner and I's interests and frankly no one is suited to fit that role. Life was easier when I had one person to serve all of my friend/romantic/professional interests....now I have everyone fits in categories like coffee dates, collaborative efforts, dinner dates, workout dates, etc. and yet amidst all that I never get any real dates. Blah. So what should I do? I once considered having a "break-up garage sale" in which I would get rid of the things he either bought me or I borrowed and unintentionally kept. Okay, I was always pretty intentional about keeping those things but regardless maybe life would be easier eliminating those items which conjure barely lingering but still deeply repressed feelings. But then I thought doesn't every moment, good or bad, eventually define who we are and what we'll become? In which case I must accept the good and the bad of years 2001-2007 and relish the good that came out of them. Even if that means the wallet his dad gave me or the incense burner his mom bought for me all unkindly recall better times. Which we all know weren't really better but rather were settled for because of my skewed perception tainted by being incredibly in love. So here I am. No longer in love, no longer in lust--can you be in that? But simply in limbo. Waiting and waiting, not for someone necessarily but maybe for something to replace that teeny, tiny, minute but incedibly available spot in my heart that longs to love. Something that keeps away that longing feeling I get when I read those mass emails from his mom and I force myself to find his name among the addressees. Or when I'm feeling incredibly lonely or out of place and all I want in the world is to be in his company. So hurry up already whatever that is out there for me. I'm waiting....