But why?

So every year since I can remember I've written some sort of letter to myself on the eve of the new year. This started when as a child I would go to my church's New Year's Eve celebration which involved writing a covenant between oneself and God. Although I have gained a different understanding and appreciation for God than that exercised at my childhood church I still feel a very strong connection to summing up my thoughts, worries, hopes and doubts in a yearly written ode to well...to me. And just as I prepare to write this ode I always skim through my past memoirs just for kicks, since I have almost 2 decades worth minus a few. This year I discovered something incredibly disturbing during my reminiscing.

Considering the successes I have enjoyed and the happiness that so often overwhelms me daily I was notably disturbed by my letters of 15 years ago. Reading letter after letter I was met with a grim forecast for the coming year. Year 14: I hope this year I'm not a loser. Year 15: I hope that I get really smart. Year 17: This year I plan to wow people. And so on. So I forced myself to consult journal entries as early as 1989 just to see if that's how I felt all year long. And I did! What horror to realize that at age 10 I thought I was this horrible, hideous person. And that even as an undergrad. I had the lowest hope for success as a musician. That I honestly came to believe that each year I would attack life head on with an insatiable appetite for recognition only to fail miserably in my eyes. It's not as if anyone ever teased me for being unattractive or that I was ever called stupid or that I didn't receive some sort of positive attention. I cannot even fully understand myself what was going on but I know this much for sure. This year really will be different. Not because I am making drastic improvements. I've already here dictated my goals and resolutions in a previous entry. No, this is much more precise. Fuck whoever gave me the impression I was anything less than what I truly am. Shame on me for every doubting myself. So therefore I propose this for 2009, not to become better, hotter, smarter, or anything more than what I already am. No, no. This year? 2009? Just this. Year 29: Realize that to some I am already all those wonderful things I want to be and to some I never will be no matter what. So stop trying.