What is it about my imagination that is taking over the voice reason? I've spent the last few days trying to understand myself in an effort to break out of this funky, self-loathing, competitive, selfish and self-pitying mood but a heavy cloud still hangs over my head and weighs on my heart. I think it boils down to my feelings and how painfully they are hurt right now not by just one incident but rather a collective number of them and the culmination of them in this particular week. But I'm to blame just as much as everyone else for not being proactive about these situations. So I've decided to write my (unintentionally) longest entry of all the these that are not my fault so that I can focus on the ones that are...because after all, despite my efforts to be the perfect daughter, friend, girlfriend, pianist, student, etc. at the end of the day I'm just like everyone else....

* I can't help that I haven't done much as a pianist until now and I can't help that my previous training has been shoddy at best, with the exception of my most recent teacher. And I most certainly can't help that the world wants accuracy and dazzle over spirit and sound. BUT I can help that I'm constantly afraid of trying and I can help that I've tried to do this all alone. Until now. If what's his name isn't afraid to apply for a Fulbright, why the fuck am I afraid to apply for a job?

* I can't help that there isn't a single person I now right now that I would date. More importantly, I can't help that so many of my friends do have someone they want to date, marry or live with. I can't help that the men I know (single and taken) don't meet my needs nor can I help that even IF they did, they might not be interested. BUT, I can help my state of mind over the matter because I don't believe this lack of options is a reflection on me nor does it mean the people around me are better because they've found someone.

* I can't help that a lot of my friends are so damn tiny that no matter how much weight I lose I will be monstrous next to them. BUT...I can help myself to be healthy, to know my innards are working well and to exercise. Because in a fight to the death someone's going to have to protect them!

* I can't help that people want to be with me (which sounds so damn arrogant, sorry). I can't help that when things are difficult for some that I can be of help. BUT I can help myself by taking time for myself, not scheduling my life around everyone else and by most of all....learning to say no. One syllable but yet so hard to utter.

* I can't help that you really hurt my feelings. How could you know since I'm too afraid to tell you. I can't help that it happens a lot and from so many different people. BUT I can tell you. And I should, whoever you are, whenever it happens, this my responsibility or else I can't complain.

* I can't help the things that I endured in my life. I can't understand why the hell I'd be given those difficulties and I also can't help how easy someone else's life has been. BUT I can help the fact that I'm still living in the past and now I must move onto the future.

*last but not least.....I can't help that you didn't love me or if you did you couldn't act on it. I can't help that I'm either not a man or the woman you needed me to be. I can't help that I fell in love with you either. BUT I can enjoy the feelings of love I once had and I can look forward to loving someone much better than you.

Wow, what a downer of a blog but you know....after trying to carry the weight of other people's worlds I had to unload some of my own. And besides, no one really reads this so in a way I'm doing my friends a service since now I can breathe a small sigh of relief. And if not, it's ok, I just got invited to the bar. Vodka always serves me well. :)