Zzz

I am sleepy and I am tired but I have enough energy to say that things in my life are so wonderful I can hardly imagine them getting better. Minus that one nagging thought....

Who'd have thought.

So I realized today that I will have to say good-bye to someone I really, really don't want to see leave. It's not someone I see a lot or would've expected to miss as much as I already do and so it got me to thinking about all the things I've fallen in love with over time that I did not expect to love. It's funny how feeling work and how foolish we are to think we know what's going to happen with them. I never imagined I'd actually enjoy performing but after this month I think I could. That moment backstage when you're holding your breath, waiting to go out and then in a second you go from being alone, nervous and yourself to stepping into the lights of the stage, applause and finding yourself to be someone else, a performer, someone worthy of the stage. It's kind of nice. Especially if followed by an actual 'real' performance of which one can be proud. I love that those last notes you play that feel so real and so satisfying, like a job well done. And I'm even learning to accept the applause/attention that immediately follows when you have to smile graciously, bow and walk off stage proudly even if inside you're humbled. Then there's getting up at 7:30 or 8 which I've done the majority of this semester. Who knew I'd learn to love it. The time alone in the morning, sipping my coffee at my vanity planning the day while applying some much needed makeup, listening to the hum of NPR on the radio. I miss it, tomorrow should rekindle those feelings. And spicy asian food? Who the crap knew. Now, it's just the beginning and I'm only getting my feet wet to say but still, my mouth was burning at my first hot pot experience and I loved it! And then there's my brown brother who I will sorely miss. I am so freaking proud of him even though I have no right to be. Never have I known such an unbelievable musician at his age and so enviable. *sigh* Brown power people. That's where it is. We're the new asians! Only less uptight. Ha. Well, I'm grateful for all my unexpected loves and I can't wait to see which ones I come across in the next year. Wheeeee!

On the other side of things

Well. Here we are. Recital done, fear ebbed away and doubts silenced. I must say that deep down I knew I had it in me. It's unfortunate it has taken me so long to realize that. But alas, when all is said and done I am quite pleased. And somehow it only dawned on me yesterday morning that I did it. I, Kezia, misfit musician, failed competitor, definition of inconsistent, creator of doubt, worrier and more gave a fair performance of the Schubert B-flat, in all of it's 47 minute glory. And while I wish I could have remembered my dominant 7 in B-flat and the c-sharp minor chord in mvt. II and nailed that bloody A-flat chord in the scherzi scherzo and the freaking g-flat major chord that got away in the finale, I still did it! And it's such a work of genius that will live with me forever, that I can play again and again and that will get better each time. That is what's so stunning about music! And who knows, maybe one day people will actually pay to hear me play it. Clearly a long ways off but I really think I could be happy with a mildly active performing career, if only at churches and small schools. Plus, I got the ultimate gift, one that cannot ever be surpassed. My little buddy at my church job wrote me the sweetest note that I honestly will remember forever. I'm his treasured friend! So no matter how much people liked my dress or my Schubert or my sound or whatever else was mentioned, that one letter made it all worth it. Thank you Jack. I dread the day we say good-bye. But unlike Jack and I, Schubert and I won't be parting anytime soon. In fact, we'll be seeing more of each other soon and making an appearance in May. Because I finally found it in myself to bug someone enough to schedule as wait for it...a visiting artist. Ha. Who would've thought and how the hell could we have known? Someone always knew. My master. He did! So here's to my masta', Jack and Schubert!!! Cheers boys, te amo!

Darn it.

Wow, it's been awhile and I know you're all dying to know what's going on in my life. Ha. It's been a long week. I am worn out, I am overwhelmed and I just spent the day letting people down......And by day I literally mean the last 24 hours. One after another. Not being everywhere I'm supposed to be, with everyone I agreed to be with, having a lukewarm tub instead of an effing hot tub. Thank God for the comfort of my own bed on a night like this where all I need is a hug. Dammit. A hug. This is when it pays to date someone. Although in my experience only one guy could really make me feel better at the end of things. On the other tomorrow is another day! One that will come all too quickly. And I already know of two people I'm going to disappoint so now I need to go out of my way to find a few I won't. Sheesh. I swear that when I move I'm going to abandon the alpha female within even if through therapy. The silver lining is people don't realize how much they're going to miss me. Yet. So tomorrow I'm going to practice, pick repertoire, have a rolfing consultation, escort a visitor, have a marathon lesson, cram in an assignment, go to class, teach, play hostess for dinner and then go to Hasting and read magazine all alone. Yes, all of that will happen sans perhaps Hastings......I know it!!!

Booooooo.

Wtf. I gave a GREAT lecture today, completed an assignment that was tricky for me, socialized more than most people do in a week, taught 2 killer lessons, sat through a rocky orchestra performance, and yet somehow I am the one feeling silly at the end of the day. THIS is why I have learned to ride solo and to do what I want. THIS why I try to avoid becoming smitten or having feelings. Alas, I have learned my lesson. So it begins. :) It's good. It's all good. It always has been. I just lost sight of my freedom and independence. I do what I want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a day!

Wow, I totally feel like superwoman today. Okay, not nearly as cool, thin or valiant but I do feel like for a sluggish, over 30 (barely) single girl I did a freaking lot today. I managed to teach an unruly group of children "This little light of mine" single-handedly since the leader was sick, sing and lead a less unruly group of adults in the communion anthem, catch most of the sermon, make nice with the guests after the service, lead a rather efficient and effective rehearsal, practice Killer Queen and The Winner Take All until my voice was shot, eat well, practice for 4 hours, smoke 2 cigarettes (oops), shop organic (to balance the cigs), catch a movie, clean the bathroom, vacuum, pick up my room, write this blog and at least figure out what my homework is for tomorrow, doing it will have to wait. And all this because I went to bed at 10 p.m. last night and actually slept at that time. Clearly, that's the answer. So much for doing that today since it's well past 10. Anyhoo, it's been a damn good day. Now if the anxiety over all that hasn't been done today will keep at bay perhaps I'll enjoy a second good night of sleep. Perhaps. And maybe when I wake I'll know where I'm supposed to move next fall (Chicago or Seattle?), feel at least 5 lbs slimmer, be free of this week long sinus infection and find the courage to do what needs to be done in regards to that little distraction I have.......ha.

I choose vodka and Chaka Khan.

I have vodka but no Chaka Khan. My head wants to explode. My thighs have grown. I'm pissed I missed my moment today. I am damn lucky to have the friends I do. I was a little put out tonight. I had a moment worth a lifetime. I will always, always LOVE Schumann. I got a glimpse of what I am. I belong to no one. I am going to play Bach come hell or high water. I wish I could breathe. I feel ready to move away. I've been avoiding this for this for so long. Javier Bardem as Roland, yes please. I wish I had someone to hold my hand. I didn't fall today. I wish my makeup lasted all day. I can't wait much longer. You're such a tease. I still can't waltz very well. Several good deeds done today. I hate my hair. Damn you for ruining my opportunity! Few can comfort me. Mexican food is not my favorite. It's been a long and glorious day. Thank you vodka for always being there for me. No matter what.