Reconsidering 2008....

I know it's a bit early but since no one reads this and it's my blog anyway who reallly cares right? After much consideration and too much thought I've become increasingly aware of my many plights and battles in 2008. Much to my dismay, one Romanian pianist has transformed my way of thought and given me the much needed kick in the ass to reevaluate myself, my goals, my ambitions, my talents. She shook me out of a self-induced coma brought on by years of heartbreak. So here I am, no longer wandering, no longer searching but rather redistributing, reorganizing and getting to know all the right people again. Here, for my benefit, I create a compilation of proposed changes that I hope to not drastically but gradually improve me and my effect on everything I encounter.....

change: I cannot make people want to change even when it's in their best interest. I can only change myself and my approach to them.

time: It is not infinite, I do not have all the time in the world, every moment is valuable and it is mine, not yours, but mine to decide how I want to use it and make the most of it.

friends vs. soulmates: I have many, many friends, people with whom I can get coffee, lunch, or hang out with, but I have only 3 truly best friends from 3 different stages in my life who offer the kind of unconditional love and respect that I deserve.

piano: It is a privilege and a gift for which I am more thankful now than ever and by the way, as of now I'm good so just wait a year and see what I am. :)

food & drink: They no longer control my life, I control them.

solitude: This will be absolutely necessary for progress and sanity.

committment: I have never been good at this but that does not mean I won't learn to be. I follow through when others count on me, why not when I need myself to follow through?

I imagine there are hundred other things I could consider but I'm taking it slow...or is it slowly. Either way, my life just experienced its kickoff 2 weeks ago....so here we go with the most exciting game ever: life.

At last.

I'm sorry I let days pass between texts.
....that sometimes I'm bitchy
....that I don't always say the right thing.
....that I have weaknesses like being selfish.
....that I can't always be available to you.
....that we don't see eye-to-eye and that we never will.
....that we have cultural differences.
....that you don't love me.
....that you weren't honest with me.
....that I cannot be the person you want me to be.
....that I cannot read your mind.
....that we weren't meant to be.
....that I don't like you.
....that I've had enough of always being the better person and that all I can offer are those simple words.
I'm sorry.

The day I fell in love.

I once read that it is impossible to fall in love with inanimate objects, pets or anything void of the human soul. Perhaps love is exclusive to humanity but I would beg to differ that my new found feelings toward the piano are anything short of pure adoration. I've spent the two-thirds of my life playing the piano and only 2 weeks madly in love with it. One would think that with multiple degrees in music that I would be a dedicated, loyal fan but until recently I wasn't. In fact, it seemed a mere accident that I was a pianist. As if I picked my major out of a hat and I was somehow stuck with it while simultaneously envying the singers, the musicologist, the conductors. So I dabbled in voice and music history until I met a genius who wooed me back to the piano world. But even in a doctoral program in piano I felt uncertain, like that moment in a relationship where you're only staying in it because everything is comfortable and if you leave you'll be left alone searching for a new cause to support. Or in my case to study. So I stayed, paddling my way through a doctoral program beyond my skill. Until my December recital. Then, I practiced. Not out of interest but out of sheer desperation! The very thought of public humiliation on stage evoked unwavering focus so I practiced and practiced and practiced even more. For three weeks I spent 7 hours a day with the piano, alone in a room clearly built to house a piano, a bench, a person and nothing more. I labored, I toiled and I'll admit...I cried. My back ached, my muscles tightened and my head verged on exploding with the hundreds, thousands of notes inside my brain. I found solace in my fellow studiomates whose practicing schedules were less rigorous but no less committed. And then it happened. Following a 2 hour studio class we pianists escaped the school for a dinner break and upon our return to school we ran into a crowd of singers, all of whom were glammed up with their heels, snazzy clothes and impeccably applied make-up. As they noticed us they announced "Here come the pianists". We looked a messy, exhausted bunch in comparison but for the first time I felt a twinge of pride and thought, yeah, I am a pianist. Take your 30-minute practice sessions, I'll keep my 6 hour ones. Take your heels, your lipstick, your expensive clothing and everything that is unlike us, the pianists because when I go to my studio the piano is always there, waiting for me and I'm in love with it! This is who I am. For the first time in my life I realize I AM a pianist. I could have been a singer or a musicologist. Hell, I could have been a lot of things but I'm not. I chose this! And I love it. I'm in love.