You can't always get what you want.

Ain't that the truth? And why not? Why can't I get everything I want? Don't I deserve it? I guess not or even if I did, so goes life. I guess I just never in a million years expected to be here again. On the receiving end of the emotionally unavailable. What does that even mean? And who the fuck wants to live like that anyway? Why would you choose to stay like that? And take the chance of missing out on all the great things in life? Including moi. I just can't tell if I'm overreacting or if I'm about to do the wisest thing I've done in a long time. All I know is that I've been down this path before and the scenery looks the same. But this time the outcome could be much worse. OR...it could be the ending I've wanted all along but that's not up to me, now is it? For the record, I am emotionally available, I am loving, doting person who would make you the center of my world if given the chance. I've always known I wanted a career and was pretty sure I wanted a marriage or at least long-term relationships (since we know the idea of marriage is a crock anyway). The jury was still out on kids and yet look at where I am. I have no career, I have a 'suitor' who doesn't know what he wants and a kid on the way. It seems like all has gone to hell in a hand basket. Now, I know it hasn't. All will end well and it will all work out--the hard pill to swallow right now is that it's likely things won't end the way I'd like them to have. My parents tell me to pray--I've done that before and look at my life. Whether my prayers go unanswered or this is all part of a masterful plan to which I am not yet privy, I don't know. People tell me to be patient--last time I was patient I got my heart broken--I won't let that happen again. Some say just tell him how it is--either it's all of me or none of me. That seems premature, dramatic and perhaps risky but at the same time....somehow right. Oh gosh. If only I could have a stiff drink right now I know that'd clear my head. Or at least muddle it enough that I don't care so much that I need to resolve things today. On the other hand, I have a haircut tomorrow morning bright and early so I can at least return to the person I'm meant to be--a short-haired person. Hee.