Blissfully unaware

There are so many hidden joys in my life and on occasion I can't help but ponder them. Fortunately accompanying, church and my awful, awful piano seminar allow ample time to consider how and why I am so damn lucky. Just hearing other people talk about their lives, their complaints and their problems gives me a much more joyous perspective. Can you use those two words together? Joyous and perspective? Hmm. Well, it's my blog and no one reads this so I will. I cannot verbally express how grateful I am to have two happily married parents who reside in the house I grew up in and are healthy, happy and loving. That sense of "home" is so important, knowing that I can always go there no matter what. Plus, my parents are smart, they have good jobs, they are faithful to each other and they pray for me everyday that I will be the same. How much more can a girl ask for? Then, I have three phenomenal friends. Now it's a good thing no one reads this because I'm bound to offend someone by saying there are just three. But it's true! I have The Singer, The Librarian and the Perfect One. Gosh, that's rude to assume only one is perfect but I don't know what else to call her? The Singer is just amazing. She's gorgeous, she's got this incredible voice and this uncanny zest for life that I so envy. And she doesn't give a crap about what you or I think about her. She's enviable. The Librarian...hmm, she's so damn sweet, pretty, smart and one of the best people I've ever known. Again enviable. Then the Perfect One. It's almost like the friend equivalent of being in love....can you have that? She's just perfect. I can't really say more than that. And my life would suffer greatly without any of the three. My trio! Then there's my piano teacher who has the balls to call every other shitty teacher out and shame them for not recognizing what I am capable of as a pianist. He's my hero. This listing of people could on for a bit more but frankly my mind is swarming with all the other lovely things in my life.....like how funny it sounds when my roommate is in his room composing and all I can hear are random hiccups of music or when he hums along to the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy like he is right now. Or the way my students make me feel when we've had a really great lesson. And the way my life unfolds in a most timely manner and I somehow always end up in the right place at the right time. Sometimes I literally cannot fathom how incredibly beautiful, wonderful and privileged my life is. Whew. Sometimes I just need to spew it all out just to be sure it's real.

Whew

Less than 24 hours later.....

Life is easier on this side of things. I did it! I proved to Z that I am in fact the talent she initially thought I was. The wild thing about how I did it? I approached my piece with total and complete disregard to anything I have ever been told about how to play the piano and I did what I thought sounded the best and felt the most natural. And you know what? She raved!!!! So now I get it. My lack of respect for my talent is not about my playing...it's about my knowledge. I already know exactly what to do. So from now on? Just do it.

I think you're wrong.

12:15 a.m....
I am not pissing away my talent...I'm here begging for help aren't?
I am not offended nor am I angry at you, I'm angry no one's told me until now.
I'm not making excuses I'm trying explain my confusion.
When I say I don't undersand I really mean I don't have a fucking clue, I'm not lying!!!
I'm so afraid you'll give up on me and then I'll give up on myself.

So just listen to me for one bloody moment! I'm here. I'm trying. So please, please just help me Z!

So I've been getting up at 6:30 a.m. to be at the piano, practicing by 7. It kicks my ass! BUT, I have accomplished so much...so much that I've been wondering what I've missed out on in the last 8 years. Anyway, you can't live in the past so I'll only try to improve the present and the future. People keep asking me why I'm doing this. The truth is ZZ just has a way of so bluntly telling me the truth that it completely changes me. Last time we talked and she went on about how the Van Cliburn competitors she just heard couldn't play some things as well as I did. What a shock! So I mulled this over for a few moments and finally blurted out "Then why do they win? Why do they get careers and recordings?!" She looked me straight in the eyes and replied "Because people like you aren't doing anything about it." So here I am, doing something about it. Or at least trying. Then I get stuck in these rehearsals whereI do nothing. Or accompanying or whatever where I can't help but feel like I'm wasting my time. Or invited to so many things where people are like but it's just half an hour? Half an hour?! You have know idea how much I can accomplish at the piano in just 30 minutes. But I don't expect non-pianists or even some "pianists" to understand that so during my downtime I started thinking about all the things I could do in 30 minutes.....and here are just a few:
*get a haircut
*clean the bathroom
*make a complete meal (according to Rachel Ray)
*take a power nap
*watch the Simpson's or Family Guy
*do a crossword (or at least as much of one as I can do)
*read about 30 pages, give or take
*have sex
*wash my car (at the carwash, not on my own)
*order Domino's (they have a 30 minute guarantee)
*go for a drive and a smoke


I'm sure there are so many more....but for now. Ooh, I wrote this blog in less than 30 minutes.