Epiphany!

Today was special in so many ways, no extraordinary ways by any means but special nonetheless. I realized that all this time I've been worried and tortured over something that has yet to happen. Granted, this pregnancy is totally unplanned and there are still times I want to throw a tantrum, a la 3-year-old Kezia, and get my life back to the way it "was"--complete with nightcaps, skinny jeans, Weight Watchers and energy that lasted through an entire day. But. Here I am, 5 1/2 months along and gearing up to welcome our little cocoa bean and it took until today to tackle my worst fear: raising a daughter. Ha ha! I've always wanted a boy, that's no secret but the moment I found out it was a girl my heart was plenty content. But those nagging insecurities of raising a girl have haunted me for so long now. Those unanswered questions of how do I raise a daughter without the same issues I endured? And if it'd been a boy, what's his name would have to the role model while I stood idly by, content with being a good mom. Now, the pressure's on! Or so I thought. It took just one person's reaction to my announcement that I was having a girl to make me think...what the hell! What if I don't impose my own weight issues on my daughter and I don't try to live vicariously through her and I don't try to make her someone she's not. WHAT IF....I instill the right amount of confidence, the right amount of grace, armed with plenty of wit and some mad martial arts skills while showing her how to embrace her beauty as a strong, independent, thinking woman?! What if she knows how to drive a stick, parallel park and the major stats of the NBA. What IF. What if she grows into being the badass I think she will be. What if I'm successful and she takes the world by storm like she could. What if she grows up happy, loving herself, valuing her body, her mind and her spirit? It's totally possible, I just hadn't thought about the alternative outcome until now. So game on, Cocoa Bean! Hurry up and get here so I can show you all the things I love about being a female--the sheer strength we can exude under pressure, the love we can emote, the way the right heels empower me, how fun it is to get made up and how beautiful you're going to be even when you're not and the way your precious, lively spirit is going to light up this world like no one I've ever known. I can already tell you're a mover and a shaker! So Cocoa Bean, I'm going to make mistakes--we both know that but I promise you this...that in all I do I will do my best to be the role model you deserve because if it weren't you I'd never have realized how awesome it is to be a woman. One day you'll see too!