I'll always love this:

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes of circus crowds
I've looked at life that way.

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all.

--Joni Mitchell

Dear women:

What the hell is wrong with us? After giving the question much thought I can honestly say I don't know where we went wrong but when do go wrong....it's really damn wrong. And I'll be the first to admit it! Years of reflection and falling out of love made me realize how much of myself I compromised when in luv with Mr. Garner. And that's just the tip of the figurative iceberg. I know women whose husbands/boyfriends/others cheated on them, openly and secretly; women whose H/B/Os beat them down in every possible way, physically, mentally, emotionally, the list goes on. And yet, here we are, 50 years after the 'second-wave' feminism movement and we're still putting up with this crap. Why?! How many excuses have we made, how many explanations have we reasoned and how many hopes have we gotten up thinking things would be different. There are GREAT men out there, my dad is evidence there are, but we have to find them and more importantly we have to accept that it could take a long time. A damn long time. Yet before the 'right' one comes along we must somehow understand what is going on in that head and heart of ours so that we can differentiate between the one that 'got away' and the one that 'got in the way'.

What is it that makes women feel it's okay to be hit by someone who 'luvs' them? Or that they shouldn't take the most extreme/drastic measures to be sure it doesn't happen again? What makes women think she's got to put a ring on it because it's unlikely anyone else will ever come along? Few women would maintain a loveless friendship but thousands maintain loveless 'romances' and for what? What is it about being in a romantic relationship that somehow makes a woman more fulfilled? Is it satisfying, of course, is it pleasant sure, does it increase my value as a lady, as Kezia Schrag, as a person? Hell no. Why are we cheating ourselves when deep within we know we deserve the very best. Does 'the best' include money, looks, prestige? By all means no but it does mean that we deserve to be treated as well as we expected to be treated by our very closest friends. I can't say what's gone wrong in other ladies' lives that caused any doubt in their self worth but as for Mr. Garner it's very simple. I didn't feel smart so I needed to be around someone who was smart. I wasn't confident about the knowledge I did possess so again, I sought it out in someone else. I wasn't sure about who I was or what I wanted so the appeal of someone who was sure about both was very high. And yet, when all was said and done here is what I know:

1) I am smart.
2) I possess skills Mr. Garner never will.
3) I am dateable enough that it can be public knowledge.
4) Mr. Garner is sooooo gay.
5) I would rather spend the rest of my life happily alone than settle for anyone less than my father.

Whether this is the same issue as anyone else, I'll never know. But I do know this--we women are amazing. We juggle more relationships in a year than men do in a lifetime. We have to coordinate way more clothes than they do and probably on a smaller budget. We can simultaneously exercise the strength of a man with the grace of a woman. We can diffuse a tense situation faster than the best bomb squad. We can work full time at home as a mother or be president of a company and everything in between. Studies show that women make better doctors, athletes, investors and politicians. So here's what I say: everyday we deserve the best. Every damn day. So fathers, help me out--be a good example, love your daughters the way she deserves, show her real men exist, and show her not through brute strength or power but through humility, gentleness and integrity. Mothers, love your daughters regardless of how different they are from you. Don't judge their weight, don't live vicariously through them, don't expect them to be something they're not. And above all, make wise choices of which you can one day be proud your daughter imitated. And girls, last but not least...if you're in doubt over a guy, imagine he's your best friend's boyfriend. If you're appalled by what he just said or did, dump him. Because if he wouldn't be good enough for your BFF, why the hell would ever be good enough for you?

wondering when

I'm wondering when I'll stop dwelling on so many unnecessary details. It's been all-consuming today and I wasted a perfectly good afternoon wallowing instead of working. I'm an adult and I'm content enough that I long for little else and yet little things just set me off today, what the crap. I'm no longer disgusted by the way I look or the size I am, though I should note I find it amusing when people comment that I'm skinny when technically according to my bmi I'm still obese, but whatever. I'm not desperate enough over how I play the piano to feel like I need to sound like an asian or win competitions or play perfectly so why does it get under my skin when others exceed my abilities or have the confidence to take chances I dare not. And I have so many friends I don't even know what to do with them so how come I find myself envious when I see pictures of you having a good time without me, especially since we can't even be in the same place at the same time anymore and even if we were I doubt it'd be the same. What gaping hole is inside me that has left me incapable of not only comfortably witnessing but also not enjoying the successes the people around me experience. I know I don't always feel like this, thanks be to God, but that even a brief stint can so easily cripple me is really disturbing. The good news is that one, I enjoyed a rigorous 70 minute workout to purge my body and my mind and two, I am even more motivated to blow this popsicle stand and by stand I mean Lawrence (and by Lawrence I mean Kansas, which means the midwest). There is a stirring in my heart and I hear the call of the northwest so please bless me Father with the means to return to where I belong. Or of course provide me with a rich husband, that would work too. Heh.

whew

"The worst and best are yet to come."

ZZ

At least someone knows how to handle me.

What is it about my imagination that is taking over the voice reason? I've spent the last few days trying to understand myself in an effort to break out of this funky, self-loathing, competitive, selfish and self-pitying mood but a heavy cloud still hangs over my head and weighs on my heart. I think it boils down to my feelings and how painfully they are hurt right now not by just one incident but rather a collective number of them and the culmination of them in this particular week. But I'm to blame just as much as everyone else for not being proactive about these situations. So I've decided to write my (unintentionally) longest entry of all the these that are not my fault so that I can focus on the ones that are...because after all, despite my efforts to be the perfect daughter, friend, girlfriend, pianist, student, etc. at the end of the day I'm just like everyone else....

* I can't help that I haven't done much as a pianist until now and I can't help that my previous training has been shoddy at best, with the exception of my most recent teacher. And I most certainly can't help that the world wants accuracy and dazzle over spirit and sound. BUT I can help that I'm constantly afraid of trying and I can help that I've tried to do this all alone. Until now. If what's his name isn't afraid to apply for a Fulbright, why the fuck am I afraid to apply for a job?

* I can't help that there isn't a single person I now right now that I would date. More importantly, I can't help that so many of my friends do have someone they want to date, marry or live with. I can't help that the men I know (single and taken) don't meet my needs nor can I help that even IF they did, they might not be interested. BUT, I can help my state of mind over the matter because I don't believe this lack of options is a reflection on me nor does it mean the people around me are better because they've found someone.

* I can't help that a lot of my friends are so damn tiny that no matter how much weight I lose I will be monstrous next to them. BUT...I can help myself to be healthy, to know my innards are working well and to exercise. Because in a fight to the death someone's going to have to protect them!

* I can't help that people want to be with me (which sounds so damn arrogant, sorry). I can't help that when things are difficult for some that I can be of help. BUT I can help myself by taking time for myself, not scheduling my life around everyone else and by most of all....learning to say no. One syllable but yet so hard to utter.

* I can't help that you really hurt my feelings. How could you know since I'm too afraid to tell you. I can't help that it happens a lot and from so many different people. BUT I can tell you. And I should, whoever you are, whenever it happens, this my responsibility or else I can't complain.

* I can't help the things that I endured in my life. I can't understand why the hell I'd be given those difficulties and I also can't help how easy someone else's life has been. BUT I can help the fact that I'm still living in the past and now I must move onto the future.

*last but not least.....I can't help that you didn't love me or if you did you couldn't act on it. I can't help that I'm either not a man or the woman you needed me to be. I can't help that I fell in love with you either. BUT I can enjoy the feelings of love I once had and I can look forward to loving someone much better than you.

Wow, what a downer of a blog but you know....after trying to carry the weight of other people's worlds I had to unload some of my own. And besides, no one really reads this so in a way I'm doing my friends a service since now I can breathe a small sigh of relief. And if not, it's ok, I just got invited to the bar. Vodka always serves me well. :)

I wonder if people realize how difficult it is to be this strong for so many people and for so often.

Because I can.

I'm learning there's something exceptionally powerful about reminiscing, sometimes good, sometimes bad. In an effort balance the whining I so often post on here I'm taking a moment to blog about the more enjoyable memories. I came across a stack of photos from my years in Idaho and with a little Keith Jarrett in the background I let myself get lost for just a few minutes. I just celebrated my birthday last week and it was truly incredible, from the thoughtfully chosen gifts to the scrumptious and indulgent food to fiiiinally getting a fancy-dress evening out, I could not have asked for more. And one day that will turn into a fond memory too but even so, in a moment like this one I can't help but think my greatest times in life happened in Idaho. There's something magical about Moscow and the most life-changing events happened for me there. I developed my political views, I fell in love (however foolishly), I moved away from home, I finished a degree I never expected to start, I made some of the most amazing friends, I became the pianist I didn't even know I was, I got my heart broken, I saw people come and go from my life, my grandpa passed away, and far more things to list. I learned more about life, myself, music, piano, love, trust and all the other elements necessary for life in those 5 years than at any other time. The only regret I have is not fully appreciating the awesomeness of it and therefore expecting every following year to be equal to one there. I can say that Lawrence and my time here pales in comparison. Whether it's the stifling conservatism of the midwest, the flatness of the terrain, the crappy school, etc. I can't say for sure. Or maybe I'm just once again not aware of how truly great things are here? They are really wonderful but there's something so special about Idaho I do find myself longing for it time after time. *sigh* One day. I'm just a damn romantic with no romancer. Anyway, for all the special people like Matt, Rachel, Lydia, Michael and others I am grateful and for the beautiful landscape I am thankful and for all the good times, laughs, drunken debauchery and all else left unsaid I am terribly missing right now. Here's to hoping these pics will satisfy a need left unmet. For the moment.

when downs are ups.

So I just spent that last 15 minutes trying on old pairs of jeans and dresses I haven't worn in a year or so. If you've never tried to lose weight or never had to be concerned about your size this won't mean much but if you've ever had to chip away at a ball and chain that's haunted you your whole life then you can relate. I can't say I've ever been distraught or depressed about how I look. I have an "I do what I want" attitude (usually) and I've always been incredibly loved. But I joined Weight Watchers for a second stab at things after an 8-9 month stint 2ish years ago when I lost 30 pounds. I'll add that 30 pounds is a lot, whether people notice or compliment or care it's a lot of work and a lot of effort. Unfortunately, half of it came back but this coming week when I weigh-in I expect to surpass that mark and be at the lowest I've been in 7ish years. Again, if that nagging number doesn't change for you then the glee I'm experiencing right now could be lost. But holy crap, all my favorite jeans now fit. Not kind of fit, like if I stretch them out or don't dry them fit, but comfortably fit. And my Easter dress that's been worn only 1, FITS. I'm torn between elation and being teary-eyed.The weirdest part though is how easy the last 6 weeks have been! WW makes it freakishly easy and somehow, something in me clicked. Not just with how I want to eat and the food choices I make but some weird change permeated my entire self. Somewhere along the line I just...changed. I performed 2 weeks ago without ever playing for anyone or a lesson and I won't lie--it was good! And I have a $ budget that I'm actually following. Whatever has come over me I'm truly grateful for it. I'm especially grateful for the people who have noticed. I realize it might not be considered 'polite' to comment and those who see me everyday might not notice but there's nothing more encouraging than someone doing that once-over glance and saying hey, you look good. Let's hope God times those comments at the time I need them most....I'm sure he will. It seems he knows what he's doing.

*blush*

"You're the real thing. Thanks for being you."

best compliment I will likely ever receive.

wayull.

Lessons learned tonight:

1) I can resurrect a piece on my own. And to satisfactory condition!

2) Once I've learned a piece well, I will always have it.

3) I need to embrace that awkward moment when people are clapping and looking at me.

*sigh*

Right now I'm bummed,
Right now I'm sad.
Tomorrow better?
That'd make me glad.
But at the rate
My life's been goin'
I hate to think
Of what I'm sowing.
Good or bad?
I cannot know.
So give me grace
And with me go
With every step
I dare to take
Hold me God
for my own sake.

ARGH!

I am trying to figure out a better way to handle my stress. I have yet to find one. Vodka, yelling and cleaning seem to help. Ha ha. Honestly, I don't understand how these situations arise. What did I do in the past to warrant this, who can answer such questions. Well....here I am asking for the strength and patience and sincerity and the love to be the better and bigger person. Again. For the millionth time.

randomness

An unexpected email today and a random blog yesterday and a favor given tomorrow all serve as reminders that I am indeed valuable. It's easy to let the enemy and society and the past tell us a different story but knowing a professor, a friend and an acquaintance can randomly pop into my life to assure me of how much I am worth, loved and not forgotten is a welcome event. So thank you God for blessing me with the most amazing friends, incredible professors, your silent warriors and the sheer awesomeness of my life.

Pretty please??

I cannot believe how much my patience has been tested this week. It is one thing after another and all I can say is that God, if you want me to not take your name in vain I am going to need a lot more patience than the minuscule amount I have now. So please, please grant me the patience I need in order to conquer these bloody ants, the heat and all the unsaid annoyances sans the expletives. *sigh*

You live and learn.

Today I met with just the right person who told me just what I needed to hear and what I already knew in my heart to be true. Recently I've really been struggling with what I believe and how I do (or too often don't) practice it. So after all this time and after all these inner debates I have to come to realize that now is the time. This is where I recommit my life to my Creator and strive to live a life of which I can be proud of instead of a life in which I am comfortable. I am a sinner and I am a cynic and I am broken but I am a child of God and I am perfect in his eyes, flaws, weaknesses and all. So here I am Lord, ready to go forward as your humble servant, sacrificing the past and giving you my future that in my life your will be done, so much that whenever that moment comes in which I pass from this life to the next you will greet me and say "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Lesson Learned

A friend will tell you what you want to hear. A Tier 1 will tell you what you need to hear.

That kinda makes sahnse.

I've felt all out of sorts lately, nervous, fickle, resisting the urge to follow suit, and an overall sense of imbalance. But I fiiiiinally made a worthwhile connection today that will carry me through the next week, hopefully the next semester and if we're lucky, the next year. Something about big exams, plotting the next step in life, wondering if I should date, etc. has bogged me down and made me lose sight. But this morning on the way commute back from church to Lawrence my driver showed me a 'shortcut' that bypasses the business of Olathe in hopes of saving a few minutes time. The shortcut was nothing spectacular but it was so enlightening because as we emerged from the end of the shortcut to my normal pathway I noticed something. For a split second I felt confused and turned around because the scenery of the end of our shortcut seemed so unfamiliar and I like to think I have good sense of direction so I felt so turned around. But in just a short moment I realized as I turned around to view where we'd come from that it was the same familiar intersection I always turn at, K-7 and the Old 56 Highway, just from a different direction. And I realized that it's just like now: same people, same events, same tasks, same challenges, same rewards but just all over again. And I've always figured or known what to do before so why wouldn't I now? I was just getting nervous about the unknown and yet to come. But it's ok, it's just bend in the road! And lesser musicians and poorer writers have passed this exam. Yes, they studied WAY more than me but that's ok. There's nothing that says I have to pass everything or that if I don't there's something wrong with me. Just like there's nothing wrong with me that's causing me to be single right now. Someone just wisely reminded me that it's not them who don't want to be around me but more often the other way around. I am worried about some things for next year but they can wait to be sorted out until at least the end of the summer. I have a job. I have students. I have fans. That's all I need for now. And this: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, Provers 3:5. God is good. All the time. Now if only he could take my comps for me.......Ha.

Really?

It's curious how someone's habits make us self-conscious about our own.

100th blog

It's a damn good things I have such a large pool of friends from whom to choose since so many seem to back out on me. Sheesh.

Procrastination station.

*sigh* I am pathetic. I cannot find it in me to finish even one category of note cards for my comps coming up in late June. My mind is wandering and I'm bored and my head hurts but I can't take anything because my stomach is a volcano spewing bile into my throat. Mmm bile. Anyway, I've been thinking maybe I should start dating again after the spree of fall 2009-spring 2010. Maybe. But then I think of all those silly stories and incidences which make me rethink the whole thing. Perhaps I'm wrong or too picky or not really looking but I swear that the men I come across are just not worth it. Why is that you ask? Oh because of things like:

*If you want to date me do not tell me what I do is "cute". When I say I have to go practice the piano do not mockingly say I am like Jerry Lee Lewis and that it's cute I play the piano. At the pinnacle of my career I will make a LOT more than you do. So ha.

*Do not wear your work clothes as street clothes. Men in uniform only works if your uniform is clean and/or sexy, i.e., marines.

*Please, please do not insult my frugal lifestyle because of being a student. Do not ask me how much I make and suggest $8 or later ask $10 after I've told you I do well for myself. Hourly I make more than you do. I just don't work more than 2-3 hours a week...yet.

*It's fine if you can't cook, I'm not that great either. But don't relate to me about cooking, convince me you are a chef and invite me over for stir-fry of frozen cauliflower/carrots/broccoli/chicken and grape kool-aid. I know the difference between your stir-fry and real stir-fry. Just be upfront.

*It's not really ok to ask me on a first date "How is it you don't have a ring on your finger? How are you not taken?" First of all, I don't really like rings. Secondly, I'll settle for less with my coffee, clothes and food but not with my men. Thirdly, because I am stuck dating men who untimely ask such questions.

*You will never get with me if you're married, built like a tank and tell me you think about me 'all the time' and wonder what I look like without my clothes.....NEVER.

*We're not going to have a second date if you are negative, gossipy and untruthful the whole time, especially when it's about people I know and consider my friends.

*Lastly, dear heavens, if you talk about yourself and never inquire about me we're not going to get beyond this one interaction. And I won't feel bad at all about ordering the most expensive item on the menu, drinks AND dessert.

Well, that's a start of unleashing. I feel like I have more stories but far too inappropriate for the web and anyone who stumbles across this. Let's hope it's not one of the guys from above. I'm sure they have their own complaints about me. We all do. I think it's just about finding the one who even when you're pissed at them or complaining about them upon seeing them that vanishes and you're just happy to see their face. Or sometimes it's just about the free dinners, making out and someone to hang out with when everyone else is busy. I think for me, it's the latter. Yes, I'm quite sure that at this stage it is. Now let's see what I can find...

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I cannot believe I put up with so many things I disliked and for so long. This feeling of being out of love is sweeter after being in the wrong love. I'm in love with being out of love!

:)

$.99 margaritas are where it's at. My Ree Ree is freaking awesome and easily the best designated driver I've ever had. I LOVE teaching piano! That zit is gonna be old news tomorrow. A stellar musical performance awaits me tomorrow night, whee!!!! My parents are the best because they love me AND they love my friends. Jung is not pregnant, contrary to today's story. Ha. I can't stop myself right now, this is not good. I've resolved myself that Mr. Garner is the one who got IN the way as opposed to being the one who got away. I have yet to learn how "to work it". Every jazz version of "Someday my prince will come" somehow makes me actually want to find my prince. I wish I was a singer because that's where the fun is. Public breastfeeding offends me not matter how natural it is (so is pooping and intercourse but I don't whip those out whenever!) I need to turn in, I have a 9 a.m. lesson and neither of us are morning people, ouch. On the other hand, I can almost feel the end!!!!!!! And the beginning of the next chapter as: DR. SCHRAG. Sexy.

Thank you thank you!

For a most lovely day! Of course I can say most of my days are lovely but this one was especially. I had such fun at church today and even found it in myself to leave early and buy myself an early afternoon. This whole week has been good actually....here's a few highlights from it:

~ Good hot tubbing. Always a plus in any week!
~ An unexpected visit from my dad. Almost as good as the other unexpected surprise. ;)
~ I got told I'm the "cool kid" at Murphy. Fiiiiinally. My social status has maxed out.
~ I gave my mom some adult-to-adult advice. Not only did she take it but she called me later to thank me for it. Wow.
~ Easter. Jesus rose and so I live eternally in his arms. Enough said.
~ My skin is especially good this week. It's not bound to last though. Darn.
~ Indulgence all around this week.

Having said that, I need to make my coming weeks Lent, or the practice of self-restraint. Which I know little of....but honestly, this messing around has got to come to an end. No good can come of it. So tomorrow up a bit earlier, on time to class, healthy eating and if there's time some a visit to the gym is in order. It's this eating out that's killing me. It's so damn social and it's not like any of my friends are especially conscious/healthy eaters.....I just get caught up in it and forget I don't have the asian metabolism. But tomorrow is another day! And if it's half as good as this one I'll be happy. And if not there's always the next one. That's what so cool about life! It's never really over and when it is it's just the next chapter...

Zzz

I am sleepy and I am tired but I have enough energy to say that things in my life are so wonderful I can hardly imagine them getting better. Minus that one nagging thought....

Who'd have thought.

So I realized today that I will have to say good-bye to someone I really, really don't want to see leave. It's not someone I see a lot or would've expected to miss as much as I already do and so it got me to thinking about all the things I've fallen in love with over time that I did not expect to love. It's funny how feeling work and how foolish we are to think we know what's going to happen with them. I never imagined I'd actually enjoy performing but after this month I think I could. That moment backstage when you're holding your breath, waiting to go out and then in a second you go from being alone, nervous and yourself to stepping into the lights of the stage, applause and finding yourself to be someone else, a performer, someone worthy of the stage. It's kind of nice. Especially if followed by an actual 'real' performance of which one can be proud. I love that those last notes you play that feel so real and so satisfying, like a job well done. And I'm even learning to accept the applause/attention that immediately follows when you have to smile graciously, bow and walk off stage proudly even if inside you're humbled. Then there's getting up at 7:30 or 8 which I've done the majority of this semester. Who knew I'd learn to love it. The time alone in the morning, sipping my coffee at my vanity planning the day while applying some much needed makeup, listening to the hum of NPR on the radio. I miss it, tomorrow should rekindle those feelings. And spicy asian food? Who the crap knew. Now, it's just the beginning and I'm only getting my feet wet to say but still, my mouth was burning at my first hot pot experience and I loved it! And then there's my brown brother who I will sorely miss. I am so freaking proud of him even though I have no right to be. Never have I known such an unbelievable musician at his age and so enviable. *sigh* Brown power people. That's where it is. We're the new asians! Only less uptight. Ha. Well, I'm grateful for all my unexpected loves and I can't wait to see which ones I come across in the next year. Wheeeee!

On the other side of things

Well. Here we are. Recital done, fear ebbed away and doubts silenced. I must say that deep down I knew I had it in me. It's unfortunate it has taken me so long to realize that. But alas, when all is said and done I am quite pleased. And somehow it only dawned on me yesterday morning that I did it. I, Kezia, misfit musician, failed competitor, definition of inconsistent, creator of doubt, worrier and more gave a fair performance of the Schubert B-flat, in all of it's 47 minute glory. And while I wish I could have remembered my dominant 7 in B-flat and the c-sharp minor chord in mvt. II and nailed that bloody A-flat chord in the scherzi scherzo and the freaking g-flat major chord that got away in the finale, I still did it! And it's such a work of genius that will live with me forever, that I can play again and again and that will get better each time. That is what's so stunning about music! And who knows, maybe one day people will actually pay to hear me play it. Clearly a long ways off but I really think I could be happy with a mildly active performing career, if only at churches and small schools. Plus, I got the ultimate gift, one that cannot ever be surpassed. My little buddy at my church job wrote me the sweetest note that I honestly will remember forever. I'm his treasured friend! So no matter how much people liked my dress or my Schubert or my sound or whatever else was mentioned, that one letter made it all worth it. Thank you Jack. I dread the day we say good-bye. But unlike Jack and I, Schubert and I won't be parting anytime soon. In fact, we'll be seeing more of each other soon and making an appearance in May. Because I finally found it in myself to bug someone enough to schedule as wait for it...a visiting artist. Ha. Who would've thought and how the hell could we have known? Someone always knew. My master. He did! So here's to my masta', Jack and Schubert!!! Cheers boys, te amo!

Darn it.

Wow, it's been awhile and I know you're all dying to know what's going on in my life. Ha. It's been a long week. I am worn out, I am overwhelmed and I just spent the day letting people down......And by day I literally mean the last 24 hours. One after another. Not being everywhere I'm supposed to be, with everyone I agreed to be with, having a lukewarm tub instead of an effing hot tub. Thank God for the comfort of my own bed on a night like this where all I need is a hug. Dammit. A hug. This is when it pays to date someone. Although in my experience only one guy could really make me feel better at the end of things. On the other tomorrow is another day! One that will come all too quickly. And I already know of two people I'm going to disappoint so now I need to go out of my way to find a few I won't. Sheesh. I swear that when I move I'm going to abandon the alpha female within even if through therapy. The silver lining is people don't realize how much they're going to miss me. Yet. So tomorrow I'm going to practice, pick repertoire, have a rolfing consultation, escort a visitor, have a marathon lesson, cram in an assignment, go to class, teach, play hostess for dinner and then go to Hasting and read magazine all alone. Yes, all of that will happen sans perhaps Hastings......I know it!!!

Booooooo.

Wtf. I gave a GREAT lecture today, completed an assignment that was tricky for me, socialized more than most people do in a week, taught 2 killer lessons, sat through a rocky orchestra performance, and yet somehow I am the one feeling silly at the end of the day. THIS is why I have learned to ride solo and to do what I want. THIS why I try to avoid becoming smitten or having feelings. Alas, I have learned my lesson. So it begins. :) It's good. It's all good. It always has been. I just lost sight of my freedom and independence. I do what I want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a day!

Wow, I totally feel like superwoman today. Okay, not nearly as cool, thin or valiant but I do feel like for a sluggish, over 30 (barely) single girl I did a freaking lot today. I managed to teach an unruly group of children "This little light of mine" single-handedly since the leader was sick, sing and lead a less unruly group of adults in the communion anthem, catch most of the sermon, make nice with the guests after the service, lead a rather efficient and effective rehearsal, practice Killer Queen and The Winner Take All until my voice was shot, eat well, practice for 4 hours, smoke 2 cigarettes (oops), shop organic (to balance the cigs), catch a movie, clean the bathroom, vacuum, pick up my room, write this blog and at least figure out what my homework is for tomorrow, doing it will have to wait. And all this because I went to bed at 10 p.m. last night and actually slept at that time. Clearly, that's the answer. So much for doing that today since it's well past 10. Anyhoo, it's been a damn good day. Now if the anxiety over all that hasn't been done today will keep at bay perhaps I'll enjoy a second good night of sleep. Perhaps. And maybe when I wake I'll know where I'm supposed to move next fall (Chicago or Seattle?), feel at least 5 lbs slimmer, be free of this week long sinus infection and find the courage to do what needs to be done in regards to that little distraction I have.......ha.

I choose vodka and Chaka Khan.

I have vodka but no Chaka Khan. My head wants to explode. My thighs have grown. I'm pissed I missed my moment today. I am damn lucky to have the friends I do. I was a little put out tonight. I had a moment worth a lifetime. I will always, always LOVE Schumann. I got a glimpse of what I am. I belong to no one. I am going to play Bach come hell or high water. I wish I could breathe. I feel ready to move away. I've been avoiding this for this for so long. Javier Bardem as Roland, yes please. I wish I had someone to hold my hand. I didn't fall today. I wish my makeup lasted all day. I can't wait much longer. You're such a tease. I still can't waltz very well. Several good deeds done today. I hate my hair. Damn you for ruining my opportunity! Few can comfort me. Mexican food is not my favorite. It's been a long and glorious day. Thank you vodka for always being there for me. No matter what.

The unexpectations of this week

Wow, so I really hit the ground running this week and while I'm terribly out of shape and I am fighting a bit of a cold, I LOVE it! I finally realized being out of class leaves me out of touch which in turn gives me nothing to motivate me. So now the chaos begins but the feelings of life have returned. Thanks be to God. A couple of great recitals already this semester. Joyce Castle is a freak! How one woman can command an audience, a stage and your attention I will never know nor will I ever be able to imitate. No matter how hard I try. Good thing we have her. Then a tuba recital, who the crap knew. Apparently, I've been sheltered all these years and when any good musician plays freaking well it's incredible, regardless of the instrument. I won't lie, tuba is not my thing but holy crap, tonight was amazing. And now, the best for last, my unrequitted love, Radu Lupu. It might be a bit of an eye opener if he's not as brilliant as my decca recordings have led me to think he is. But at the least it should be off my bucket list. Whew. Well, what a week. A pleasant reminder that amidst all that goes on in the world I live a very privileged, complete and satisfying life!

Because the vodka told me to....

So apparently 3 drinks on my own lead to a very boring evening at home. Not that I mind. I just saw Black Swan and heavens knows after that I needed a stiff drink. Or three. And the vodka got me to thinking about two lists I need to make, no. 1 -- why I'd be a good girlfriend (duh) and no. 2 -- best compliments of 2010. So for your reading pleasure should you be as tipsy as I am right now....


Top 10 reasons I am a bad%@#& girlfriend drumroll please....

1)I am an incredible housekeeper. Really. I am a master of the dishcloth, I know my disinfectant from my antibacterial (yes, they are different), I am OCD about laundry so it's always done right and above all I actually enjoy it.

2)I desperately need my ME time which means I need time away from you which more importantly means I know you need your time with friends, drinking, eating, indulging and possibly a ride because you're too drunk to drive and want to maul/molest me upon your return. It's cool. I'm down with that. Really...

3)I know my sports. I know that right now Luck could be the No. 1 NFL draft next year but is passing up 60 million $$$$ to stay at Stanford to finish his architecture degree. (and no I didn't just google that). I also know nobody really likes the Miami Heat right now since Lebron abandoned the Cavaliers and I can name the top 5 NCAA basketball teams at any given time. I also know the Chiefs lost this
last Sunday but many hope they win this Sunday for a bid at the Super Bowl.

4) I can cook. I can't make tons of things but the food I can make is damn good and most likely better than anything you can make.

5) I'm funny. So I've been told....jury's still out but it deserves to make an appearance.

6)Well, I can't go into detail but....you can use your imagination for what this one is, I am both good (so I've heard) and enjoy it. Heheh.

7) I am soooo easy to please and very cliche. I don't need much. A dinner out, flowers, a high five, a good hug, a nice compliment. It doesn't take much for me to be happy. In fact, I'm happy enough without you but if you're around I'll take any of the easily given aforementioned.

8)I'm smart enough. I'm not like some of my friends or a genius by any means but I know a lot of things and I give good advice so it's not a bad thing to have me around

9)I don't cry easily. Enough said.

10) I am fiercely loyal. I can decipher good from bad even when it comes to you but chances are I will be your number one fan and defend your glory (even if nonexistent...)

Well, there you have it. Just a gentle reminder to myself why I'm a good catch. The ten reasons why I am not has failed to be published....at least under my name. I'll leave that to an ex. Ha ha!

Well that was unexpected.

Today was really, really lovely! I slept in late (perhaps too late...) and went to practice a bit. Too bad I realized how horribly out of musical shape I am. I have a lot of work ahead of me but I need the distraction. Then a long work meeting that I really enjoyed. I've noticed people discussing 'next year' or 'next season' or 'in the fall'...it's weird to think, oh, that doesn't matter because I won't be here. In fact, it's downright sad. Those who know are happy for me as am I of course but it's funny realization that this student lifestyleis all I know and it's going to finally come to an end. Untimely but end nonetheless. I catch myself getting excited in conversations regarding the future and then remember it doesn't involve me. *sigh* Oh well, they'll move on without me. Having said that I am continuously touched at how grateful my congregation is for me. I reguarly get sincere thanks and high compliments for something I really love. It's taken me awhile to realize how significant I am to them but it's a great feeling. The day was topped off with a homemade dinner by Heather and it was orgasmic. I don't even remember the last time someone cooked for me....it's about time! Nah, it's ok but I do love that and I felt quite pampered by both of them tonight. Here's to hoping tomorrow is equally glorious. Cheers!

.............

So I talked to Mr. Garner's papa tonight and it was a seriously groundbreaking moment that led to some serious thought on my part. Last night I gushed on about the sheer genius of Schubert's D. 960 and while I still feel very affectionate and fond of the piece I'd temporarily forgotten my only true love: Schumann. And after listening to the original ending to his Op. 17 Fantasie over and over and over again I realized that Schubert and Schumann are wonderful and freakishly accurate images for my loves in life. Perhaps because I first fell in love with D. 960 when played by the first love of my life. But more importantly I realized that I love the whole sonata, from beginning to end because it's charming, painstaking in places and overall a complete joy to play/listen to....the beauty is consistent through out and my feelings for it are delightfully strong. BUT....when I listened to the Schumann last movement the feelings it evokes from me are unparalled. It is not just genius, it is divine. It is the most glorious music I have ever heard and the sheer power it holds over me is greater than anything in the Schubert. And although it's only minutes at the end that send waves of emotion through me and leave in weeping out of joy, bliss or pain, those few minutes surpass the entirety of D. 960. Having said that I adore both and I cannot wait for my recital, the Schubert will rock. But much like Mr. Garner they are my first loves and not the one love.....even now as I listen to it for the upteenth time in the last 24 hours my breath is taken away and I'm left entranced. *sigh* I love that Schumann was too self-aware to leave the original ending if only because it makes the original ending more scarce and therefore more enticing. What a man. I could love a man like that forever. So I've had my Schubert....now to wait for my Schumann. And on an ending note, I have to say my talk with Mr. Garner Senior did more for me than any analyzing, fretting, discussing, mulling or doubting I've done over the last years. Well done good sir, for today I thank you. :)

today

I can't imagine anything more genius that D. 960. Good times with a new friend! Pants are totally optional. New planner! In need of some red wine. Gimpy wrist no more. Horowitz's timing is enviable. Nothing beats an LP. Feeling rather triumphant. Wishing I had more than chicken sausage for dinner. New GAP sweater for $12, whoo hoo. Seattle on the mind. Can't wait to whore up my lips with red again. Madly in love with the right man: Schubert. Loving my mom. Accepting I'll never get Movement IV as fast as I should. Repeated listening of original ending to Op. 17 and overwhelming tears of joy. Reveling in my solitude. Best start to any year so far!

2011. For realz.

So every year since I can remember (which isn't saying toooooo much) I have written some sort of 'end-of-the-year' entry which used to be in handwritten form but thanks to modern advances comes via my highly neglected blog. So here we go, a recap of things I am most grateful for in 2010. In random order...

1)my parents: they will always, always make list but just this week I went through photo albums from my childhood (back when I was much cuter) and I appreciate even more the lengths they went to create a happy, healthy, memorable childhood for me. Their continued devotion to me is overwhelming and I owe everything I am to them. You rock Mr. and Mrs. Schrag.

2)My health: sure I have weird back problems and the occasional sore throat and whatnot but I am cancer and disease free. We really take that for granted in the U.S.! But really, the fact I am average has never been such a blessing.

3)my boyfriends: I use that term loosely because it seems so unfamiliar after Mr. Garner not letting me use it. Ha. Anyway, in 2010 I dated several really nice, good guys. High on potential? Not so much. Hot? Definitely not.... Genius? Not quite. But each of them was a good guy to whom I owe tremendous thanks for treating me well, being loyal, and making me feel worth more than I probably am.

4) my jobs: I know it's cliche but really...some days I walk away from an effing good piano lesson I'VE given or a great choir performance and think wow, these people actually pay me for this. I get paid to do something I love! How many other people can be so excited about their jobs?

5)my Tier 1: There is only one Tier 1. Need I say more? No really, what more can I even say. It's one thing to have a best friend but to be someone's best friend? That's a whole different ball game. One I'm willing to play.

6) Mmm, a kiss: I had one of the best kiss(es) I've ever really had. If only he knew. I'm sure he does. You don't whip out that kind of talent without knowing. Thanks what's your name.

7) Steven: Doesn't he always make the list? When you're such a badass you're bound to I suppose. He never ceases to amaze or inspire me but this year was particularly good. Mostly this recent occasion when out of exasperation with me not knowing my niche he exclaimed "You're a fucking good teacher!!!" I know I'm a decent teacher but someone who's the master of the art telling me I'm good at it. No better compliment.

8)Forgiveness: After tremendous soul searching I found myself willing and able to forgive two particular people who never even offered apologies. Arrogant perhaps but well-intentioned. I can't carry this bitterness around forever nor would even they want me to so I've let it go. Like any potent disease though a few scant pieces remain to be purged out in 2011.

9) Give a little, get a little: This by far was the hardest to adapt to but on multiple occasions I found myself letting someone help me. I don't know why that's so hard or so foreign but it is. On one occasion LL helped me after I'd done something for her and while I was reluctant slowly I realized, huh, that's what it's like to give and get. Who knew.

10) Puppies: I know, I know. Why is this here? Well, because I am not in love, I am childless and because I'm not afraid to admit or go after what will make me happy. And puppies are the damn cutest things ever. Especially Lask and Janelle's two poodles. One day I'll have my own and my life will be complete. I've abandoned unrequited love now that I'm in my 30s since it controlled my 20s so damn men and kids, I just need my own little pooch. One day. You hear that people? My happiness will be complete and then what? :) Bliss.


Welcome 2011, bring on my dma. Did you hear that? DMA. Dr Schrag. This is the moment.

Love Actually & leftover pizza...

"Worse than the total agony of being in love?" Nothing worse. Out of love in 2010 and out of it in 2011. Whew.