Reeeally?

So many men, so little time. I found out my biological grandmother wanted to keep me. What a difference that would've made. I have a plan and I think it's going to work. It's been confirmed, I am indeed an upgrade. Mr. Garner's dad sent me a xmas card, shot to the heart. Ree Ree just grabbed her ass, heheh. I've learned to forgive without an apology. My thighs may not be small but they match my big heart. The color black will aways look good on me. I've been carb free for 3 days now. I fell again today. But again someone was there to pick up the pieces. Red wine solves all my problems. Most importantly, I am someone else's Tier 1. That means more than haivng my own Tier 1.

coulda, shoulda, woulda...

Today was really quite glorious in all of its lazy splendor but it's that time again when I become reminiscent. Damn Christmas and it's jolly cheer and romantic feel and chilly days that leave you longing for the cozy arms of that special someone. Or really anyone at this point. And damn Mr. Garner's dad for trying to find me and stirring up those prickly thoughts I've held at bay for so long. My auntie polly's alzheimers is so bad these days that it's often a battle for her to do the simplest of tasks but you know there's the tiniest of pluses to it. She has no bad memories. Mostly beause she doesn't have any memories but still. I was just thinking tonight how much easier life might be if not for the past. Yeah I know it builds the future, I know it forces me to grow, I know we learn from it, blah blah blah. But the painful sting of things gone wrong might best be left to the slipping memory if possible to manufacture such a crutch. I don't know, I'm rambling and verging on becoming emo but I'm just saying that tonight I found myself mulling over a very vivid memory of an aiport run Mr. Garner and I made where his fear of commitment (or rather me I guess) was momentarily MIA. I just remember so effing clearly the feelings we shared and the sincerity in his apology, his affection and most of his enthusiasm. Yet two weeks later when I returned to him it was all gone. How I have no idea. Why? Probably he doesn't even know. Just false hope that it was all going in the right direction. And yeah, I'm no longer in love and I'm not even in lust. I'm in content. Can you be 'in' content? In a state of content. That's me. But I have yet to learn what benefit that experience was to have and what I was supposed to learn. So let's hope that there's the possibility of an early onset of alzheimer's and Mr. Garner isn't one of those people I actually recall. Because after all that and the way it ended? Damn false hope too. Nothing kills the spirit faster. So enough for tonight, I can't wait to wake up to tomorrow and start a new day. One that's bound to be full of new memories, good and bad, funny and not, memorable and forgettable but one thing's for sure, tonight belonged to Mr. Garner but tomorrow is all mine. Got that?