Everyday.

Everyday contains a struggle and everyday contains a joy. My job right now is to battle the former and remember the latter. Easier said than done, like most real things in life. I feel like every morning I have to convince myself I'm doing the right thing while simultaneously battling faculty, patrons and feelings that tell me I'm not. Granted, these are not the 'same' things but the feeling is overwhelming. I've prayed, I've wallowed, I've pondered and so it all continues. What's really, truly magical (or Godly, whichever way you believe) about this whole hot mess is that amidst the self-absorbed, calloused attitudes of certain 'men' (to use the term quite loosely), a handful of the most amazing people have revealed themselves to me. The friends I have are amazing. Simply put: AMAZING. Not once have I been doubted, questioned or judged but always loved, comforted and validated. Then, certain professors I could not have imagined being so helpful, so gracious and so available have made a difficult situation tolerable. Barely. Ha! No, in truth, if it weren't for some of these helpful people I'd have gone postal on KU a long time ago. And frankly, it'd be well-deserved. So while unanswered questions will continue to keep me awake when I'd rather be sleeping and the future is shaky at best, I am doing my very best to keep things in perspective. If only said disappointments who shall remain nameless might have had the balls to do the same. Here in lies the disadvantage of me being a better 'man' than many....

Who'd have thought.

Wow. That is all I can really say. Wow. When all was wrong in the world and the timing was horrible and I had no real feelings about the future...the unexpected and unplanned happened. And here we are. Early days but a buzz of excitement, a tangle of nerves and the feeling that things are going to change. It's unbelievable how amazing people are, even when you've known all along that they are. Despite the mistakes I've made and all of the foolish things I've done, the people I love the most love me just as much in return. And now I'm ready to share that love in a way I never imagined could happen right now. Mum's the word for now but let's just say the impossible has happened and although at first it didn't seem so good...I think it's all going to be just fine. Just fiiiiiine.