So I used to think that song "Perhaps" was so accurate in describing Mr. Garner and I's relationship. 'You won't admit you love me and so how am I ever to know....you only tell me perhaps, perhaps, perhaps." Well, it did. And now "Why should I care?" does. 'Was there something more I could have done, or was I not meant to be the one.' Truthfully, neither song applies and who the crap cares what I'm writing. I just got to thinking about all the things I would like to say you...Mr. Garner. And not because I am in love or because I think it will evoke a sense of revenge or anything like that. Just because I find it unfair that I never got to voice my feelings. Boo. So despite the happier moments and the fond memories I want you to know this:
On occasion you were rather mean to me and I don't like that nor do I deserve it. And I really, really hated nothing more than when you wouldn't believe me. I know the key of Mozart's 25th symphony--the liner notes are not wrong--it IS in g minor just like I said it was. I don't know why you were so defensive when I figured out those damn Mensa puzzles faster than you did. Most of the time I didn't but when I did you acted like I had cheated or something. Here's a memo: I am not dumb. In fact, I am actually smart on occasion. I don't care how insecure you are it is not acceptable to NEVER offer even the smallest compliment. Especially since I spent so much damn time trying to make you feel better about yourself. If I solo with a *ucking orchestra that warrants a "good job" or "congratulations". Get over yourself. Don't wait 7 years to tell me that you "concede" when someone says I'm gorgeous--at that point it's just a pathetic attempt at what should have been divulged long before...so don't bother. No one likes someone who is difficult and the people who deserve that the least are your family and closest friends so don't be a jerk to your parents. Come on, grow up already. Moscow Idaho may revolve around you but the rest of the world does not. Mary may think you are a better writer than I am but guess what--that doesn't mean you are. I happen to be a good enough writer to get by just as well as you do. And when we were duet partners? You really pissed me off. Why was it that when I made suggestions or pointed out mistakes you blew me off and basically ignored me but had no qualms about correcting me? Did you really think I didn't know what I was talking about? Because guess again...I'M the one getting the doctorate in piano--that has to be worth something. I know things too you know. I'm starting to feel a bit guilty about dishing it out like this so I'll end here for now but you deserve one final thought: I am not nor have I ever been inferior to you and you have no right to make me feel that way so if you loved me the way you said you did then you either were lying or don't know what love is. Your call. I'm done.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
If only....
So right now I am rummaging through my room desperately looking for my watch. My new watch that I owned for about 8 days before losing. Now I know, I know, it's only a watch BUT...I've been wanting a nice looking watch for awhile now and my incredibly fine tastes (ha ha) caused me to fall in love with a $375 Bulova watch I could never bring myself to buy. So....this was a great substitute....but alas after a thorough search of my room, car and every damn coat I own I am still watchless. I am also left with that longing feeling for some of my favorite items that I have lost so I decided to catalogue them in no particular order for your reading enjoyment. And for "your" I mean Brianna's since she's the only one who dares to read these. ;)
Body Shop spray: So I bought this stuff and it wasn't cheap or too pricey, just right. The scent was something subtle and it was wonderful but then one day I just couldn't find it. And this time I'm sure my roommate didn't steal it since Bryce isn't the floral kinda guy. I don't think.
Body Shop chapstick (honey): Sensing a theme already? So this was back in the 90s when they made this incredible honey chapstick which was hands down the best anyone makes and I lost my tube then to my horror found out they no longer make it. And that was before honeybees started going extinct.
J. Crew socks: So Mr. Garner and I were in NY when I bought the softest pair of gray argyle socks, I even bought 3 pairs and somehow when I returned to Kansas I had one pair. And again, I don't think Mr. Garner is the female, gray sock wearing kind of guy. Then again, turns out there was a lot I didn't know about him so...
Diamond earrings: In high school I begged for real diamond earrings as a graduation present and my parents being the obliging folks they are delivered. I was SO stupid and put them in my pocket of my favorite pair of very worn jeans and an inconvenient hole in the pocket. Enough said.
Target sunglasses: I once bought the hippest pair of silver aviators on clearance at Target. They're the pair I was wearing when some guy approached me to tell me that to him I was the ideal woman and then asked me out. Ever since, haven't been asked out. Ouch.
The Melody at Night with You: This is my favorite Keith Jarrett album. I could play this at anytime and while in any mood and I was always moved. The pure simplicity and artistry in a genre (Gershwin) that is meant for entertainment is an anomaly. Somehow I lost it! But be of good cheer, I bought another copy.
My contact: Now, I had to make it singular because I have never lost more than one at a time. But just this morning I went to put them in and then walked around realizing an eye was missing one! So strange that out of nowhere, following the act of putting them in I lost one. Who knows how...
Spinal Tap: Okay so this is one of my favorite movies ever and I was so proud of myself for finding it on clearance (still new) for only $7.99. One day I have it the next I don't. Granted a number of things went disappearing in my last apartment but much like my current roommate wouldn't steal my perfume or chapstick, my last would never have shown an interest in Spinal Tap. Trust me, Europeans don't really get that kind of thing.
Scrapbook: Now just so you know, I do not scrapbook. Let me repeat, I do not scrapbook or cut things out or paste or buy pastel colored books in which to keep my mementos. My scrapbook is just that. A book of scraps. From various events like piano recitals, high school, etc. But it was a 15-year glance into my life!!! Get this, so I left it in the apartment I was moving out of and my friend offered to valiantly rescue it which she did. Somewhat. Then she proceeded to lose it herself so essentially I didn't even lose it. I've always known where it was until she lost it. Which proves the only thing worse than you losing something or someone else losing your things is when someone says they've saved your things and then proceed to lose them. Boo.
Mr. Garner: So I like numbers and 9 doesn't fall into my category of pleasing number so I've added Mr. Garner. Technically I did not lose him to death because he is very much alive and I know where he is but in a roundabout, melodramatic way I did. I lost him because I stopped trying to maintain the pseudo-friendship we had and since I stopped trying and he never really was trying in the first place, well...you can imagine what happened. He's someone else's now. Maybe. Or maybe he's just his own. Either way, he's not mine and I lost him because of my own self-respect.
Well, there you have it. My top 10 things I really, really would like back. But missing things makes us realize how truly lovely the things we have already are. Ooh, and of course there is always the faintest, remote possibility I may find these things and get them back and the excitement of the possibility is enough to keep me happy indefinitely.
Body Shop spray: So I bought this stuff and it wasn't cheap or too pricey, just right. The scent was something subtle and it was wonderful but then one day I just couldn't find it. And this time I'm sure my roommate didn't steal it since Bryce isn't the floral kinda guy. I don't think.
Body Shop chapstick (honey): Sensing a theme already? So this was back in the 90s when they made this incredible honey chapstick which was hands down the best anyone makes and I lost my tube then to my horror found out they no longer make it. And that was before honeybees started going extinct.
J. Crew socks: So Mr. Garner and I were in NY when I bought the softest pair of gray argyle socks, I even bought 3 pairs and somehow when I returned to Kansas I had one pair. And again, I don't think Mr. Garner is the female, gray sock wearing kind of guy. Then again, turns out there was a lot I didn't know about him so...
Diamond earrings: In high school I begged for real diamond earrings as a graduation present and my parents being the obliging folks they are delivered. I was SO stupid and put them in my pocket of my favorite pair of very worn jeans and an inconvenient hole in the pocket. Enough said.
Target sunglasses: I once bought the hippest pair of silver aviators on clearance at Target. They're the pair I was wearing when some guy approached me to tell me that to him I was the ideal woman and then asked me out. Ever since, haven't been asked out. Ouch.
The Melody at Night with You: This is my favorite Keith Jarrett album. I could play this at anytime and while in any mood and I was always moved. The pure simplicity and artistry in a genre (Gershwin) that is meant for entertainment is an anomaly. Somehow I lost it! But be of good cheer, I bought another copy.
My contact: Now, I had to make it singular because I have never lost more than one at a time. But just this morning I went to put them in and then walked around realizing an eye was missing one! So strange that out of nowhere, following the act of putting them in I lost one. Who knows how...
Spinal Tap: Okay so this is one of my favorite movies ever and I was so proud of myself for finding it on clearance (still new) for only $7.99. One day I have it the next I don't. Granted a number of things went disappearing in my last apartment but much like my current roommate wouldn't steal my perfume or chapstick, my last would never have shown an interest in Spinal Tap. Trust me, Europeans don't really get that kind of thing.
Scrapbook: Now just so you know, I do not scrapbook. Let me repeat, I do not scrapbook or cut things out or paste or buy pastel colored books in which to keep my mementos. My scrapbook is just that. A book of scraps. From various events like piano recitals, high school, etc. But it was a 15-year glance into my life!!! Get this, so I left it in the apartment I was moving out of and my friend offered to valiantly rescue it which she did. Somewhat. Then she proceeded to lose it herself so essentially I didn't even lose it. I've always known where it was until she lost it. Which proves the only thing worse than you losing something or someone else losing your things is when someone says they've saved your things and then proceed to lose them. Boo.
Mr. Garner: So I like numbers and 9 doesn't fall into my category of pleasing number so I've added Mr. Garner. Technically I did not lose him to death because he is very much alive and I know where he is but in a roundabout, melodramatic way I did. I lost him because I stopped trying to maintain the pseudo-friendship we had and since I stopped trying and he never really was trying in the first place, well...you can imagine what happened. He's someone else's now. Maybe. Or maybe he's just his own. Either way, he's not mine and I lost him because of my own self-respect.
Well, there you have it. My top 10 things I really, really would like back. But missing things makes us realize how truly lovely the things we have already are. Ooh, and of course there is always the faintest, remote possibility I may find these things and get them back and the excitement of the possibility is enough to keep me happy indefinitely.
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