Friday, January 23, 2009
Hmph
How and why is it that one person can change you in hundreds of ways but you cannot change yourself in the one way that means forgetting that person? I mean really, fourteen months later I cannot fully accept my life sans Mr. Garner and I still get that lurking feeling that he'll always linger in the most unwelcomed memories and dreams. Even now he rudely interrupts my dreams although with less frequency than say 6 months ago. Even one of my favorite pastimes--cleaning --summons deep pangs of affection for him. No matter what I do! Organizing my c.d.'s reminds me that half of my meager collection I owe to him. Same with books. And movies. And every other bloody interest in my life. See, this is the problem with falling in love with your best friend. Sure, it's GREAT in the movies because you end up together and live this incredibly perfect life that transcends even the most likely romances but in real life? Not so hot. I mean it's a whole new world finding people to share in all of Mr. Garner and I's interests and frankly no one is suited to fit that role. Life was easier when I had one person to serve all of my friend/romantic/professional interests....now I have everyone fits in categories like coffee dates, collaborative efforts, dinner dates, workout dates, etc. and yet amidst all that I never get any real dates. Blah. So what should I do? I once considered having a "break-up garage sale" in which I would get rid of the things he either bought me or I borrowed and unintentionally kept. Okay, I was always pretty intentional about keeping those things but regardless maybe life would be easier eliminating those items which conjure barely lingering but still deeply repressed feelings. But then I thought doesn't every moment, good or bad, eventually define who we are and what we'll become? In which case I must accept the good and the bad of years 2001-2007 and relish the good that came out of them. Even if that means the wallet his dad gave me or the incense burner his mom bought for me all unkindly recall better times. Which we all know weren't really better but rather were settled for because of my skewed perception tainted by being incredibly in love. So here I am. No longer in love, no longer in lust--can you be in that? But simply in limbo. Waiting and waiting, not for someone necessarily but maybe for something to replace that teeny, tiny, minute but incedibly available spot in my heart that longs to love. Something that keeps away that longing feeling I get when I read those mass emails from his mom and I force myself to find his name among the addressees. Or when I'm feeling incredibly lonely or out of place and all I want in the world is to be in his company. So hurry up already whatever that is out there for me. I'm waiting....
Sunday, January 18, 2009
So although today, January 18th, marks absolutely nothing of any significance in my life I suddenly feel compelled to take this moment to enjoy all the things I love the most. At least right now....as a female I reserve the right to change those feelings at anytime until I learn to be more like a boy and just not have them. There are so many incredibly wonderful things in my life that I could gush on about for hours but instead I am going to simply selfishly revel in the trite details of my life that bring sheer enjoyment. Such as...
new boots: my $27 faux suede, faux fur lined, made in some third world country boots b/c they are incredibly cozy, unbelievably warm and best of all...comfortably heeled to make me a bit taller.
pacifica candle: my half off on sale soy candle in Spanish Amber that has the most perfect balance of musky and spice with a touch of sweet and evokes the most peaceful (and sexy?) mood EVER.
elliptical machine: i have to admit i am shocked this is on the list but frankly it's saving my life because it gives me what i need--aerobic, low-impact and a place to unleash my bottled up fury.
christmas lights: now who would have thought that something so simple would make me fall in love with my bedroom? the warmth and glow makes me wish i never had to leave my room.
my room: i have never been one to dwell in my bedroom but living with a guy with whom i am not bffs has caused me to occasionally seek refuge in my room and i have fallen in love with the intimacy and solitude found only here, in my bedroom.
my laptop: after sending it in for repairs 3 bloody times i am now well-acquainted with my sony vaio and the convenience it offers. what ever did do before the internet, facebook and google?
crystal light: i love ice water but after 60 oz. a day even i need something tastier and who knew 5 calories could be so yummy. i imagine one day the artificial sweetener will take its toll and i'll give up my wonderful life to cancer but at least i could do it a few pounds lighter.
laura: i actually haven't seen her for a few days but you know...of everyone in lawrence she is my favorite, sorry other people. she makes me laugh, she's clever, so likeable and she doesn't mind when i'm quiet. and best of all she always has chapstick.
blackberry: i know nothing about technology so when i was persuaded to get a blackberry i had no idea why i would need it or how to us it but now i love it. and while it's not an iphone which on occasion i do want, it's the same brand the new leader of the free world uses. and that's good enough for me.
Well, I love so many more things. Like sad memories, the scent of a clean-shaven man, bubbles, chapstick, lavendar, sitting but really I could spend all day listing those. And maybe one day I will.
new boots: my $27 faux suede, faux fur lined, made in some third world country boots b/c they are incredibly cozy, unbelievably warm and best of all...comfortably heeled to make me a bit taller.
pacifica candle: my half off on sale soy candle in Spanish Amber that has the most perfect balance of musky and spice with a touch of sweet and evokes the most peaceful (and sexy?) mood EVER.
elliptical machine: i have to admit i am shocked this is on the list but frankly it's saving my life because it gives me what i need--aerobic, low-impact and a place to unleash my bottled up fury.
christmas lights: now who would have thought that something so simple would make me fall in love with my bedroom? the warmth and glow makes me wish i never had to leave my room.
my room: i have never been one to dwell in my bedroom but living with a guy with whom i am not bffs has caused me to occasionally seek refuge in my room and i have fallen in love with the intimacy and solitude found only here, in my bedroom.
my laptop: after sending it in for repairs 3 bloody times i am now well-acquainted with my sony vaio and the convenience it offers. what ever did do before the internet, facebook and google?
crystal light: i love ice water but after 60 oz. a day even i need something tastier and who knew 5 calories could be so yummy. i imagine one day the artificial sweetener will take its toll and i'll give up my wonderful life to cancer but at least i could do it a few pounds lighter.
laura: i actually haven't seen her for a few days but you know...of everyone in lawrence she is my favorite, sorry other people. she makes me laugh, she's clever, so likeable and she doesn't mind when i'm quiet. and best of all she always has chapstick.
blackberry: i know nothing about technology so when i was persuaded to get a blackberry i had no idea why i would need it or how to us it but now i love it. and while it's not an iphone which on occasion i do want, it's the same brand the new leader of the free world uses. and that's good enough for me.
Well, I love so many more things. Like sad memories, the scent of a clean-shaven man, bubbles, chapstick, lavendar, sitting but really I could spend all day listing those. And maybe one day I will.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
But why?
So every year since I can remember I've written some sort of letter to myself on the eve of the new year. This started when as a child I would go to my church's New Year's Eve celebration which involved writing a covenant between oneself and God. Although I have gained a different understanding and appreciation for God than that exercised at my childhood church I still feel a very strong connection to summing up my thoughts, worries, hopes and doubts in a yearly written ode to well...to me. And just as I prepare to write this ode I always skim through my past memoirs just for kicks, since I have almost 2 decades worth minus a few. This year I discovered something incredibly disturbing during my reminiscing.
Considering the successes I have enjoyed and the happiness that so often overwhelms me daily I was notably disturbed by my letters of 15 years ago. Reading letter after letter I was met with a grim forecast for the coming year. Year 14: I hope this year I'm not a loser. Year 15: I hope that I get really smart. Year 17: This year I plan to wow people. And so on. So I forced myself to consult journal entries as early as 1989 just to see if that's how I felt all year long. And I did! What horror to realize that at age 10 I thought I was this horrible, hideous person. And that even as an undergrad. I had the lowest hope for success as a musician. That I honestly came to believe that each year I would attack life head on with an insatiable appetite for recognition only to fail miserably in my eyes. It's not as if anyone ever teased me for being unattractive or that I was ever called stupid or that I didn't receive some sort of positive attention. I cannot even fully understand myself what was going on but I know this much for sure. This year really will be different. Not because I am making drastic improvements. I've already here dictated my goals and resolutions in a previous entry. No, this is much more precise. Fuck whoever gave me the impression I was anything less than what I truly am. Shame on me for every doubting myself. So therefore I propose this for 2009, not to become better, hotter, smarter, or anything more than what I already am. No, no. This year? 2009? Just this. Year 29: Realize that to some I am already all those wonderful things I want to be and to some I never will be no matter what. So stop trying.
Considering the successes I have enjoyed and the happiness that so often overwhelms me daily I was notably disturbed by my letters of 15 years ago. Reading letter after letter I was met with a grim forecast for the coming year. Year 14: I hope this year I'm not a loser. Year 15: I hope that I get really smart. Year 17: This year I plan to wow people. And so on. So I forced myself to consult journal entries as early as 1989 just to see if that's how I felt all year long. And I did! What horror to realize that at age 10 I thought I was this horrible, hideous person. And that even as an undergrad. I had the lowest hope for success as a musician. That I honestly came to believe that each year I would attack life head on with an insatiable appetite for recognition only to fail miserably in my eyes. It's not as if anyone ever teased me for being unattractive or that I was ever called stupid or that I didn't receive some sort of positive attention. I cannot even fully understand myself what was going on but I know this much for sure. This year really will be different. Not because I am making drastic improvements. I've already here dictated my goals and resolutions in a previous entry. No, this is much more precise. Fuck whoever gave me the impression I was anything less than what I truly am. Shame on me for every doubting myself. So therefore I propose this for 2009, not to become better, hotter, smarter, or anything more than what I already am. No, no. This year? 2009? Just this. Year 29: Realize that to some I am already all those wonderful things I want to be and to some I never will be no matter what. So stop trying.
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