One day I will live alone. It just can't be soon enough. It will happen!!!!

I have been home sick for two days now. After two years of avoiding any illness I finally gave in....my head wants to explode, I can't stop sneezing and I want to claw my eyes out....on the other hand I actually have an excuse now to sit around watching TV all day! Unlike every other day before I got sick. :) So a few things of interest...my choir did well this weekend and they are going to rock this Sunday! I hope. Keep those fingers crossed. Thank you Jesus for 'continuo' parts that double the men. I have no finals, no jury, no papers, nothing! But please stop telling me I'm "soooo lucky". When you've been in school this long you deserve a bit of a break. Tomorrow I have to accompany a jury but it's going to be soooo good. Ben + Schumann + Me = divine!!!! Okay, I need to sleep to fight off the remains of this nasty cold. Eww. Adieu, auf wiedersehen and good night!
p.s. I'm contemplating a weekend trip to St. Louis....should I or shouldn't I?

apparently i am the only one who can take the trash out...

Why don't people freaking call when they say they will? Or why bother having a phone if you're not going to answer it or have texting if you're not going to check them? Sheesh. Poop.

I am seriously bummed. *sigh*

I am not obliged to believe that you really do "get" my views on having or not having children....especially when you have never finished school and consider your current job as a stay at home mom....for your 29 year old son!

This very moment in which I am right now is almost perfect.....it's SOOOO beautiful outside, I've cleaned the apartment, I'm listening to Pandora (Sarah Vaughan station) and I am well-fed and well-rested. *sigh*

I am about to go insane.

THANKSGIVING!

Now I know this is a bit premature to offer up my list of things for which I am grateful but I always run out of time when I want to write my blog. For example, I was going to come up with 30 things I was happy about in my life for my 30th birthday and that came and went without even a thought of writing them down. So here I am, days before Thanskgiving but ready to start the thanking. :) Here are the top ten (in no particular order) things I am MOST thanksful for this year. I'm trying to avoid the obvious ones but they'll slip in here and there I'm sure....for your reading pleasure:

1) my piano teacher: more than ever I am so grateful for him, he is the first (and only one of two) teacher to actually believe that I am special, the first to push me to perform, the first to believe I can perform, the first to encourage me to compete, the first to believe I can win, the first to never underestimate me and most importantly...the first to stand up for me and take on people who did doubt me, underestimate me and dismiss me. Steven, you rock.

2) Laska: i know, it's silly to include a pet, especially one that isn't even mine but if you've met her you would know what I mean. She truly makes my day. No one comforts me like she does. It's amazing--pets don't judge, they don't care if I am overweight or not wearing makeup or say the wrong thing. She LOVES me unconditionally and I'm pretty sure she replaces both children and men....what's not to love?

3) Little Laura: well, it goes without saying that she's my second, my BFF, my buddy, my whatever you want to call her. The truth is that I have learned more about loving someone from our friendship than I ever did from being with Mr. Garner. I always find myself wanting to do things for other people but rarely do I feel like they reciprocate--but she does! She is the cream of the crop, best of the best.....I hope we will always be friends but I know people and things change. I try not to think about that yet...

4) Weight Watchers: so far I've lost 13 pounds plus a bit and although no one's really noticed I have and ultimately it only matters what I think and how I feel. I just hope I can keep with it!

5) 2-inch heels: sometimes I forget how damn short I am when I'm surrounded by people who on average are only a few inches taller than me. But dating someone who's six-four has taught me a strong appreciation for the perfectly heeled boot or dress shoe and although I'd prefer higher heels my bulging disc ages me well beyond my 30 years so......2 inches is just right.

6) My parents: sure everyone is grateful for family at this time of the year but I realize that my parents are anomalies among parents.....they are happily married at the ripe ages of 67 and 72, they own their own home, they pray for me everyday, they are healthy and happy. I owe my overwhelming sense of self-respect and most of my good decisions to them. Now if I could just convince them abandon their Republican ways....

7) Men: what a strange entry, I know, I know. But after Mr. Garner I thought I wouldn't want to date and the truth is that it's still very difficult for me. I blame Mr. Garner for that. However....I cannot hold me accountable for all of my problems. Nevertheless, I've dated a couple of guys this year and it's been a lovely reacquaintance with the idea. Now we'll see where it takes me but right now I am damn happy. Do you hear that Matt? DAMN HAPPY. With my marine I mean.

8) Obama: He's not George Bush. Need I say more?

9) Privilege: I know this isn't a fair one but I feel like I am extremely privilege and although that encompasses a number of categories the idea as a whole is what I am referring to....I have no immediate problems, I am well-fed (check out my ass), have health insurance (shitty as it may be), own my own car, live in a safe, warm apartment in which I will most likely never be shot, robbed or evicted. I am getting an education, I have a really damn good job, I have a patron, I have everything I could possible need or want. Except a new cell phone...that will come.

10) Auntie Sue: I've never really had a lot of family around but Auntie Sue has changed that. I'm starting to understand what a familial relationship is and how vital it is to feeling loved. Not that I didn't feel loved before her but there's something about an aunt that is so different than a mom. Auntie Sue is always there to help me, cooks for me, shops with me and just plain gets me. In a way my mom doesn't. Sorry. So I love you Auntie Sue! I will always be your fan!

Well, that's a wrap folks. So many more things for which I am grateful but that list could be endless. And I need to get ready for bed now. 8 a.m. workouts come so damn early. Love, me.

So I've been thinking of writing a letter to my former piano teacher but I thought I'd try out a variety of thoughts on here first. Here it goes....

Dear *%&,

I hope this letter finds you doing well and happy in your retirement. I know the university underwent a great loss with your departure but I know your retirement is well-deserved!

I'm writing to you because I have a bit of a confession I must make to you. I want to preface it by reassuring you of my adoration for you and my gratefulness for all you did for me during our time together. I know your abilities as a teacher and performer are great and I admire so many things about you! But that very admiration is what leads me to feeling the way that I do right now. Despite my feelings of respect I have for you I feel very hurt by the way I was treated while at the U of I. I admit my initial impression on you was very poor and that perhaps in the beginning there was little reason to trust my abilities. But I find the greatest teachers are those whose musicial abilities are rivaled only by their interest in their students progress. I realize I did not play like some of the other students, those who were showcased in masterclasses and on area recitals but the truth is that we both know my talent was just as great. It was my previous training that was not. I understand the amount of work I must have needed but to dismiss my abilities as mediocre was unfair and perhaps it was not seen as a dismissal but that is how I felt. Imagine how I felt when I requested to play a romantic piano concerto and was told they were all too hard for me yet my peers, often much younger than me, played the greatest works! And often with far less intuition and musicality than I could have shown. My love for Mozart was fostered and garnered some attention for which I am grateful. But that limited attention was overshadowed by the severe limitation set upon me. This presumptious lack of faith in my abilities really hurt me. I do not mean to attack you nor do I want to disrespect you. I simply think it unfair my feelings have gone unsaid all this time. Your reluctance over my studying with Steven seemed to clearly stem from your own motivations and reputation more than my possible improvements. I remember being accused of working harder for him than for you. The truth is that if I had been given the trust and respect that he gave me from the start of my time at the U of I you would have been dealing with a very different pianist. The greatest gift Steven has given me is to assume I can do whatever he asks of me instead of assuming he has already seen all I have to offer. I believe you to be a truly great teacher and man but dividing students into talented and less talented hurts both you and the students. I do ask your forgiveness for any disrespect this letter may cause but I wanted you to know how I felt. I miss your wonderful personality and the many laughs we shared. I always will love the way you taught and the ease you so often put me at. Thank you again for your efforts and your time.

Me

p.s. I play the hell out of the Schumann concerto. :)

I'm tired. I'm tired because of getting too little sleep. I'm tired of my apartment being disgusting. I'm tired of not feeling the same way about others as they do about me. I'm tired of waiting for Laura. Where is she?! I need her! Mostly I'm just tired of too many things. That isn't meant to be negative! Being tired brings change. And with changes comes new and exciting things. Sometimes. Oh and I'm damn tired of missing Mr. Garner. STILL. Well, only for spare moments. Whew. That is all for today. Bye bye.

cozy bed. snuggling. mmm. blissful.

Eww.

boo!

Uh-oh

Tonight I had the sudden realization that perhaps I chose the wrong career. But like most bad ideas I shoved it to the back of my mind where it is now freely mingling with such thoughts as falling in love, cutting my hair, playing Bach and voting Republican.

Poop

Ahhhhh! I had to get that out--a verbal puking of frustration. I feel better now. I really have no reason to be upset, just annoyed. Why is it that we find it so difficult to address minor issues that somehow feel much larger? I mean it's such a small annoyance but having my things used by people to whom I am not married is kind of bothersome. I don't like confrontation even when I am within the limits of my own rights. Blah. Don't use my freaking stuff or eat my food and we'll be fine. I guess when you live with someone no matter how great things usually are there's always a rough patch. *sigh* Anyway, I haven't written in awhile and I'm sure the world is anxiously awaiting what I have to say. Ha ha! Well, it isn't much today. I'm just bored and don't feel like socializing so here I am. Things are going really well and I realize that I lead a very plush, luxurious life that demands very little of me. It's pretty sweet. For now. Until school starts. I'm going to Hungary in August so that should be fun. Today is Mr. Garner's birthday. Happy b-day! And good riddance! Hee hee. I'm really tan which somehow surprises people. I was born in Guatemala people, give me a week outside and I'm back to my latina roots. Well, that's about it here. How are things on your end???

14-day challenge

So I was chatting with my favorite buddy tonight and we decided to come up with a few goals to help ourself get out of our funk. So here it goes, just 3 goals for the next 2 weeks. Surely it can be done.

1) 2 hours of practice everday--I know that sounds pathetic but it's a meager start to the disastrous month of no practice. EVERYday, no matter what.

2) 3 homecooked meals a week--lunch, dinner, etc. doesn't really matter which

3) Read 10 pages a day...from any of the 3 books I'm into right now.

That's it! So simple but somehow without a challenge I won't do them. Wish me luck!

Pssh.

So I'll be the first to admit I am easily annoyed and bothered. I don't mean to be but sometimes it just happens. And I do make every effort to censor my thoughts in a valiant effort to avoid offending people. But I have to get this off my chest! And I love doing it here so people can't really comment because...oh right, no one reads this! Anyway, I am so disgusted with the whole concept of divorce. Now before I truly rant I will preface my verbal puking by admitting that there are times when divorce is the only answer and that I know people who have been divorced whose situations would have likely led me to make the same ugly decision. Now that I got that out of the way can I just say that I'm pretty damn sure the sanctity of marriage was destroyed by divorce long before gay marriage was even an issue. There are so many reasons why it's an awful, awful idea. Firstly, giving yourself the option of divorce only enables you to dive into the second biggest decision/commitment (second to having children) with a multiple of safety nets, the option to back out when the going gets tough.

Now back in the day I know women were not happily married and divorce empowered a 'weaker' gender to escape an unwanted and unwelcomed situation. BUT, in modern day America that is usually not the case. In general I must point out that divorce of a childless couple comes off as less offensive to all involved. Sure, I know you must be thinking but what about abuse? Or a cheating spouse? Here's the blatant truth no one wants to hear: if someone is unfaithful, abusive or even leaning towards either BEFORE you are engaged then buy yourself an effing clue--they will be like that AFTER too. If your fiancee/fiance is a bit loony, frivolous, deceptive, dirty, argumentative, lacking a personality, etc. at any point during your dating life getting married is not going to solve the problem. It only brings a whole set of new ones. The other thing no one wants to admit is that if you would just take a moment and think back to when you decided to marry this person, someone you so loved you were ready to commit your life to them, chances are there was at least one person (most likely several) who warned you not to get married. Maybe you thought they were crazy or jealous or just wrong but if you had just listened.....especially when it's your parents. Because despite the fact you may dislike them or disagree with them or think they are old-fashioned and couldn't possibly understand you they did raise you. Trust me, they know you. And if they're still married then it's pretty damn certain they know a thing or two about marriage. So get over your arrogant self and admit you didn't make the best of choices.

Now that you've given into yourself and decided to get divorced your first priority should be your kids. Dammit! Your kids, not you, not your new girl/boyfriend, not your job, etc. Your kids. Because although you may hate your ex (which is weird b/c you soooo loved them at one time) that ex is still the mother/father of your children. Do you get that? Together you two created this beautiful child who deserves unconditional love from both of you. So give it. Be man or woman enough to step up and initiate an amicable relationship IF only for your children since probably you don't have enough integrity to do it for yourself. Their poor innocent lives are being transformed overnight and there is almost nothing in the world that will destroy a child's love for their parent--don't let it be you. Obviously there are cases where one parent is cannot provide a healthy environment for the family but the case I am fuming about could have worked.....I think. And about that case, I am speaking about my own wishes so take it for what it's worth....but I am pissed. I will never get the experiences I desire or deserve. All because of a stupid divorce. No, not even a stupid divorce, a stupid decision to get married. I always find it curious that people celebrate a marriage the way they do. Frankly, finding someone to marry is a celebration but it is not an accomplishment. Staying married is. Getting pregnant isn't a rarity, I could do it this weekend if I were stupid enough to try. Raising a healthy, happy child--now THAT is something to brag about......

I guess my point is that there are huge disadvantages to being single at my age. I am often the third wheel to couples or end up spending time alone that I would rather spend with someone. I get tired of always cooking for myself and would love for someone to just take me to dinner or make it for me...even a friend! I'll admit that sometimes when I finally reach that place between being awake and falling asleep a little twinge of panic surges through body reminding me that while everyone else is bunking with their other half I am stiiiill looking. But the sweet freedom I have now and the fission of excitement I feel at the very thought of finding the right person one day stimulates enough self-respect in me to avoid a relationship where he cheats or is abusive. And while some say I am picky and need to lower my standards I just figure that as long as my mom found the perfect man I can too. And by waiting longer I reduce the number of years we'll be married and therefore the chance of divorce. Or something like that... :)

Why the hell do I torture myself like I do? Could someone please explain it to me.

No. 71 - Jessye Norman

One Valentine's Day I sent you a postcard of Jessye Norman--a black and white postcard. It was so cool! On the back I included a poem wondering if you would be able to translate the whole thing. I thought it was special. Maybe you did too. At least I noticed you had it on your stereo table when I visited last Thanksgiving didn't you? Ever wonder where it went? Probably not. Well, she's with me. I took her back. Along with my heart.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

So I used to think that song "Perhaps" was so accurate in describing Mr. Garner and I's relationship. 'You won't admit you love me and so how am I ever to know....you only tell me perhaps, perhaps, perhaps." Well, it did. And now "Why should I care?" does. 'Was there something more I could have done, or was I not meant to be the one.' Truthfully, neither song applies and who the crap cares what I'm writing. I just got to thinking about all the things I would like to say you...Mr. Garner. And not because I am in love or because I think it will evoke a sense of revenge or anything like that. Just because I find it unfair that I never got to voice my feelings. Boo. So despite the happier moments and the fond memories I want you to know this:

On occasion you were rather mean to me and I don't like that nor do I deserve it. And I really, really hated nothing more than when you wouldn't believe me. I know the key of Mozart's 25th symphony--the liner notes are not wrong--it IS in g minor just like I said it was. I don't know why you were so defensive when I figured out those damn Mensa puzzles faster than you did. Most of the time I didn't but when I did you acted like I had cheated or something. Here's a memo: I am not dumb. In fact, I am actually smart on occasion. I don't care how insecure you are it is not acceptable to NEVER offer even the smallest compliment. Especially since I spent so much damn time trying to make you feel better about yourself. If I solo with a *ucking orchestra that warrants a "good job" or "congratulations". Get over yourself. Don't wait 7 years to tell me that you "concede" when someone says I'm gorgeous--at that point it's just a pathetic attempt at what should have been divulged long before...so don't bother. No one likes someone who is difficult and the people who deserve that the least are your family and closest friends so don't be a jerk to your parents. Come on, grow up already. Moscow Idaho may revolve around you but the rest of the world does not. Mary may think you are a better writer than I am but guess what--that doesn't mean you are. I happen to be a good enough writer to get by just as well as you do. And when we were duet partners? You really pissed me off. Why was it that when I made suggestions or pointed out mistakes you blew me off and basically ignored me but had no qualms about correcting me? Did you really think I didn't know what I was talking about? Because guess again...I'M the one getting the doctorate in piano--that has to be worth something. I know things too you know. I'm starting to feel a bit guilty about dishing it out like this so I'll end here for now but you deserve one final thought: I am not nor have I ever been inferior to you and you have no right to make me feel that way so if you loved me the way you said you did then you either were lying or don't know what love is. Your call. I'm done.

If only....

So right now I am rummaging through my room desperately looking for my watch. My new watch that I owned for about 8 days before losing. Now I know, I know, it's only a watch BUT...I've been wanting a nice looking watch for awhile now and my incredibly fine tastes (ha ha) caused me to fall in love with a $375 Bulova watch I could never bring myself to buy. So....this was a great substitute....but alas after a thorough search of my room, car and every damn coat I own I am still watchless. I am also left with that longing feeling for some of my favorite items that I have lost so I decided to catalogue them in no particular order for your reading enjoyment. And for "your" I mean Brianna's since she's the only one who dares to read these. ;)

Body Shop spray: So I bought this stuff and it wasn't cheap or too pricey, just right. The scent was something subtle and it was wonderful but then one day I just couldn't find it. And this time I'm sure my roommate didn't steal it since Bryce isn't the floral kinda guy. I don't think.

Body Shop chapstick (honey): Sensing a theme already? So this was back in the 90s when they made this incredible honey chapstick which was hands down the best anyone makes and I lost my tube then to my horror found out they no longer make it. And that was before honeybees started going extinct.

J. Crew socks: So Mr. Garner and I were in NY when I bought the softest pair of gray argyle socks, I even bought 3 pairs and somehow when I returned to Kansas I had one pair. And again, I don't think Mr. Garner is the female, gray sock wearing kind of guy. Then again, turns out there was a lot I didn't know about him so...

Diamond earrings: In high school I begged for real diamond earrings as a graduation present and my parents being the obliging folks they are delivered. I was SO stupid and put them in my pocket of my favorite pair of very worn jeans and an inconvenient hole in the pocket. Enough said.

Target sunglasses: I once bought the hippest pair of silver aviators on clearance at Target. They're the pair I was wearing when some guy approached me to tell me that to him I was the ideal woman and then asked me out. Ever since, haven't been asked out. Ouch.

The Melody at Night with You: This is my favorite Keith Jarrett album. I could play this at anytime and while in any mood and I was always moved. The pure simplicity and artistry in a genre (Gershwin) that is meant for entertainment is an anomaly. Somehow I lost it! But be of good cheer, I bought another copy.

My contact: Now, I had to make it singular because I have never lost more than one at a time. But just this morning I went to put them in and then walked around realizing an eye was missing one! So strange that out of nowhere, following the act of putting them in I lost one. Who knows how...

Spinal Tap: Okay so this is one of my favorite movies ever and I was so proud of myself for finding it on clearance (still new) for only $7.99. One day I have it the next I don't. Granted a number of things went disappearing in my last apartment but much like my current roommate wouldn't steal my perfume or chapstick, my last would never have shown an interest in Spinal Tap. Trust me, Europeans don't really get that kind of thing.

Scrapbook: Now just so you know, I do not scrapbook. Let me repeat, I do not scrapbook or cut things out or paste or buy pastel colored books in which to keep my mementos. My scrapbook is just that. A book of scraps. From various events like piano recitals, high school, etc. But it was a 15-year glance into my life!!! Get this, so I left it in the apartment I was moving out of and my friend offered to valiantly rescue it which she did. Somewhat. Then she proceeded to lose it herself so essentially I didn't even lose it. I've always known where it was until she lost it. Which proves the only thing worse than you losing something or someone else losing your things is when someone says they've saved your things and then proceed to lose them. Boo.

Mr. Garner: So I like numbers and 9 doesn't fall into my category of pleasing number so I've added Mr. Garner. Technically I did not lose him to death because he is very much alive and I know where he is but in a roundabout, melodramatic way I did. I lost him because I stopped trying to maintain the pseudo-friendship we had and since I stopped trying and he never really was trying in the first place, well...you can imagine what happened. He's someone else's now. Maybe. Or maybe he's just his own. Either way, he's not mine and I lost him because of my own self-respect.

Well, there you have it. My top 10 things I really, really would like back. But missing things makes us realize how truly lovely the things we have already are. Ooh, and of course there is always the faintest, remote possibility I may find these things and get them back and the excitement of the possibility is enough to keep me happy indefinitely.

Blissfully unaware

There are so many hidden joys in my life and on occasion I can't help but ponder them. Fortunately accompanying, church and my awful, awful piano seminar allow ample time to consider how and why I am so damn lucky. Just hearing other people talk about their lives, their complaints and their problems gives me a much more joyous perspective. Can you use those two words together? Joyous and perspective? Hmm. Well, it's my blog and no one reads this so I will. I cannot verbally express how grateful I am to have two happily married parents who reside in the house I grew up in and are healthy, happy and loving. That sense of "home" is so important, knowing that I can always go there no matter what. Plus, my parents are smart, they have good jobs, they are faithful to each other and they pray for me everyday that I will be the same. How much more can a girl ask for? Then, I have three phenomenal friends. Now it's a good thing no one reads this because I'm bound to offend someone by saying there are just three. But it's true! I have The Singer, The Librarian and the Perfect One. Gosh, that's rude to assume only one is perfect but I don't know what else to call her? The Singer is just amazing. She's gorgeous, she's got this incredible voice and this uncanny zest for life that I so envy. And she doesn't give a crap about what you or I think about her. She's enviable. The Librarian...hmm, she's so damn sweet, pretty, smart and one of the best people I've ever known. Again enviable. Then the Perfect One. It's almost like the friend equivalent of being in love....can you have that? She's just perfect. I can't really say more than that. And my life would suffer greatly without any of the three. My trio! Then there's my piano teacher who has the balls to call every other shitty teacher out and shame them for not recognizing what I am capable of as a pianist. He's my hero. This listing of people could on for a bit more but frankly my mind is swarming with all the other lovely things in my life.....like how funny it sounds when my roommate is in his room composing and all I can hear are random hiccups of music or when he hums along to the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy like he is right now. Or the way my students make me feel when we've had a really great lesson. And the way my life unfolds in a most timely manner and I somehow always end up in the right place at the right time. Sometimes I literally cannot fathom how incredibly beautiful, wonderful and privileged my life is. Whew. Sometimes I just need to spew it all out just to be sure it's real.

Whew

Less than 24 hours later.....

Life is easier on this side of things. I did it! I proved to Z that I am in fact the talent she initially thought I was. The wild thing about how I did it? I approached my piece with total and complete disregard to anything I have ever been told about how to play the piano and I did what I thought sounded the best and felt the most natural. And you know what? She raved!!!! So now I get it. My lack of respect for my talent is not about my playing...it's about my knowledge. I already know exactly what to do. So from now on? Just do it.

I think you're wrong.

12:15 a.m....
I am not pissing away my talent...I'm here begging for help aren't?
I am not offended nor am I angry at you, I'm angry no one's told me until now.
I'm not making excuses I'm trying explain my confusion.
When I say I don't undersand I really mean I don't have a fucking clue, I'm not lying!!!
I'm so afraid you'll give up on me and then I'll give up on myself.

So just listen to me for one bloody moment! I'm here. I'm trying. So please, please just help me Z!

So I've been getting up at 6:30 a.m. to be at the piano, practicing by 7. It kicks my ass! BUT, I have accomplished so much...so much that I've been wondering what I've missed out on in the last 8 years. Anyway, you can't live in the past so I'll only try to improve the present and the future. People keep asking me why I'm doing this. The truth is ZZ just has a way of so bluntly telling me the truth that it completely changes me. Last time we talked and she went on about how the Van Cliburn competitors she just heard couldn't play some things as well as I did. What a shock! So I mulled this over for a few moments and finally blurted out "Then why do they win? Why do they get careers and recordings?!" She looked me straight in the eyes and replied "Because people like you aren't doing anything about it." So here I am, doing something about it. Or at least trying. Then I get stuck in these rehearsals whereI do nothing. Or accompanying or whatever where I can't help but feel like I'm wasting my time. Or invited to so many things where people are like but it's just half an hour? Half an hour?! You have know idea how much I can accomplish at the piano in just 30 minutes. But I don't expect non-pianists or even some "pianists" to understand that so during my downtime I started thinking about all the things I could do in 30 minutes.....and here are just a few:
*get a haircut
*clean the bathroom
*make a complete meal (according to Rachel Ray)
*take a power nap
*watch the Simpson's or Family Guy
*do a crossword (or at least as much of one as I can do)
*read about 30 pages, give or take
*have sex
*wash my car (at the carwash, not on my own)
*order Domino's (they have a 30 minute guarantee)
*go for a drive and a smoke


I'm sure there are so many more....but for now. Ooh, I wrote this blog in less than 30 minutes.

Hmph

How and why is it that one person can change you in hundreds of ways but you cannot change yourself in the one way that means forgetting that person? I mean really, fourteen months later I cannot fully accept my life sans Mr. Garner and I still get that lurking feeling that he'll always linger in the most unwelcomed memories and dreams. Even now he rudely interrupts my dreams although with less frequency than say 6 months ago. Even one of my favorite pastimes--cleaning --summons deep pangs of affection for him. No matter what I do! Organizing my c.d.'s reminds me that half of my meager collection I owe to him. Same with books. And movies. And every other bloody interest in my life. See, this is the problem with falling in love with your best friend. Sure, it's GREAT in the movies because you end up together and live this incredibly perfect life that transcends even the most likely romances but in real life? Not so hot. I mean it's a whole new world finding people to share in all of Mr. Garner and I's interests and frankly no one is suited to fit that role. Life was easier when I had one person to serve all of my friend/romantic/professional interests....now I have everyone fits in categories like coffee dates, collaborative efforts, dinner dates, workout dates, etc. and yet amidst all that I never get any real dates. Blah. So what should I do? I once considered having a "break-up garage sale" in which I would get rid of the things he either bought me or I borrowed and unintentionally kept. Okay, I was always pretty intentional about keeping those things but regardless maybe life would be easier eliminating those items which conjure barely lingering but still deeply repressed feelings. But then I thought doesn't every moment, good or bad, eventually define who we are and what we'll become? In which case I must accept the good and the bad of years 2001-2007 and relish the good that came out of them. Even if that means the wallet his dad gave me or the incense burner his mom bought for me all unkindly recall better times. Which we all know weren't really better but rather were settled for because of my skewed perception tainted by being incredibly in love. So here I am. No longer in love, no longer in lust--can you be in that? But simply in limbo. Waiting and waiting, not for someone necessarily but maybe for something to replace that teeny, tiny, minute but incedibly available spot in my heart that longs to love. Something that keeps away that longing feeling I get when I read those mass emails from his mom and I force myself to find his name among the addressees. Or when I'm feeling incredibly lonely or out of place and all I want in the world is to be in his company. So hurry up already whatever that is out there for me. I'm waiting....

So although today, January 18th, marks absolutely nothing of any significance in my life I suddenly feel compelled to take this moment to enjoy all the things I love the most. At least right now....as a female I reserve the right to change those feelings at anytime until I learn to be more like a boy and just not have them. There are so many incredibly wonderful things in my life that I could gush on about for hours but instead I am going to simply selfishly revel in the trite details of my life that bring sheer enjoyment. Such as...

new boots: my $27 faux suede, faux fur lined, made in some third world country boots b/c they are incredibly cozy, unbelievably warm and best of all...comfortably heeled to make me a bit taller.

pacifica candle: my half off on sale soy candle in Spanish Amber that has the most perfect balance of musky and spice with a touch of sweet and evokes the most peaceful (and sexy?) mood EVER.

elliptical machine: i have to admit i am shocked this is on the list but frankly it's saving my life because it gives me what i need--aerobic, low-impact and a place to unleash my bottled up fury.

christmas lights: now who would have thought that something so simple would make me fall in love with my bedroom? the warmth and glow makes me wish i never had to leave my room.

my room: i have never been one to dwell in my bedroom but living with a guy with whom i am not bffs has caused me to occasionally seek refuge in my room and i have fallen in love with the intimacy and solitude found only here, in my bedroom.

my laptop: after sending it in for repairs 3 bloody times i am now well-acquainted with my sony vaio and the convenience it offers. what ever did do before the internet, facebook and google?

crystal light: i love ice water but after 60 oz. a day even i need something tastier and who knew 5 calories could be so yummy. i imagine one day the artificial sweetener will take its toll and i'll give up my wonderful life to cancer but at least i could do it a few pounds lighter.

laura: i actually haven't seen her for a few days but you know...of everyone in lawrence she is my favorite, sorry other people. she makes me laugh, she's clever, so likeable and she doesn't mind when i'm quiet. and best of all she always has chapstick.

blackberry: i know nothing about technology so when i was persuaded to get a blackberry i had no idea why i would need it or how to us it but now i love it. and while it's not an iphone which on occasion i do want, it's the same brand the new leader of the free world uses. and that's good enough for me.

Well, I love so many more things. Like sad memories, the scent of a clean-shaven man, bubbles, chapstick, lavendar, sitting but really I could spend all day listing those. And maybe one day I will.

Today the wind blows so hard I might be forced to let go and blow away into nothingness.

But why?

So every year since I can remember I've written some sort of letter to myself on the eve of the new year. This started when as a child I would go to my church's New Year's Eve celebration which involved writing a covenant between oneself and God. Although I have gained a different understanding and appreciation for God than that exercised at my childhood church I still feel a very strong connection to summing up my thoughts, worries, hopes and doubts in a yearly written ode to well...to me. And just as I prepare to write this ode I always skim through my past memoirs just for kicks, since I have almost 2 decades worth minus a few. This year I discovered something incredibly disturbing during my reminiscing.

Considering the successes I have enjoyed and the happiness that so often overwhelms me daily I was notably disturbed by my letters of 15 years ago. Reading letter after letter I was met with a grim forecast for the coming year. Year 14: I hope this year I'm not a loser. Year 15: I hope that I get really smart. Year 17: This year I plan to wow people. And so on. So I forced myself to consult journal entries as early as 1989 just to see if that's how I felt all year long. And I did! What horror to realize that at age 10 I thought I was this horrible, hideous person. And that even as an undergrad. I had the lowest hope for success as a musician. That I honestly came to believe that each year I would attack life head on with an insatiable appetite for recognition only to fail miserably in my eyes. It's not as if anyone ever teased me for being unattractive or that I was ever called stupid or that I didn't receive some sort of positive attention. I cannot even fully understand myself what was going on but I know this much for sure. This year really will be different. Not because I am making drastic improvements. I've already here dictated my goals and resolutions in a previous entry. No, this is much more precise. Fuck whoever gave me the impression I was anything less than what I truly am. Shame on me for every doubting myself. So therefore I propose this for 2009, not to become better, hotter, smarter, or anything more than what I already am. No, no. This year? 2009? Just this. Year 29: Realize that to some I am already all those wonderful things I want to be and to some I never will be no matter what. So stop trying.