Because I can.

I'm learning there's something exceptionally powerful about reminiscing, sometimes good, sometimes bad. In an effort balance the whining I so often post on here I'm taking a moment to blog about the more enjoyable memories. I came across a stack of photos from my years in Idaho and with a little Keith Jarrett in the background I let myself get lost for just a few minutes. I just celebrated my birthday last week and it was truly incredible, from the thoughtfully chosen gifts to the scrumptious and indulgent food to fiiiinally getting a fancy-dress evening out, I could not have asked for more. And one day that will turn into a fond memory too but even so, in a moment like this one I can't help but think my greatest times in life happened in Idaho. There's something magical about Moscow and the most life-changing events happened for me there. I developed my political views, I fell in love (however foolishly), I moved away from home, I finished a degree I never expected to start, I made some of the most amazing friends, I became the pianist I didn't even know I was, I got my heart broken, I saw people come and go from my life, my grandpa passed away, and far more things to list. I learned more about life, myself, music, piano, love, trust and all the other elements necessary for life in those 5 years than at any other time. The only regret I have is not fully appreciating the awesomeness of it and therefore expecting every following year to be equal to one there. I can say that Lawrence and my time here pales in comparison. Whether it's the stifling conservatism of the midwest, the flatness of the terrain, the crappy school, etc. I can't say for sure. Or maybe I'm just once again not aware of how truly great things are here? They are really wonderful but there's something so special about Idaho I do find myself longing for it time after time. *sigh* One day. I'm just a damn romantic with no romancer. Anyway, for all the special people like Matt, Rachel, Lydia, Michael and others I am grateful and for the beautiful landscape I am thankful and for all the good times, laughs, drunken debauchery and all else left unsaid I am terribly missing right now. Here's to hoping these pics will satisfy a need left unmet. For the moment.

when downs are ups.

So I just spent that last 15 minutes trying on old pairs of jeans and dresses I haven't worn in a year or so. If you've never tried to lose weight or never had to be concerned about your size this won't mean much but if you've ever had to chip away at a ball and chain that's haunted you your whole life then you can relate. I can't say I've ever been distraught or depressed about how I look. I have an "I do what I want" attitude (usually) and I've always been incredibly loved. But I joined Weight Watchers for a second stab at things after an 8-9 month stint 2ish years ago when I lost 30 pounds. I'll add that 30 pounds is a lot, whether people notice or compliment or care it's a lot of work and a lot of effort. Unfortunately, half of it came back but this coming week when I weigh-in I expect to surpass that mark and be at the lowest I've been in 7ish years. Again, if that nagging number doesn't change for you then the glee I'm experiencing right now could be lost. But holy crap, all my favorite jeans now fit. Not kind of fit, like if I stretch them out or don't dry them fit, but comfortably fit. And my Easter dress that's been worn only 1, FITS. I'm torn between elation and being teary-eyed.The weirdest part though is how easy the last 6 weeks have been! WW makes it freakishly easy and somehow, something in me clicked. Not just with how I want to eat and the food choices I make but some weird change permeated my entire self. Somewhere along the line I just...changed. I performed 2 weeks ago without ever playing for anyone or a lesson and I won't lie--it was good! And I have a $ budget that I'm actually following. Whatever has come over me I'm truly grateful for it. I'm especially grateful for the people who have noticed. I realize it might not be considered 'polite' to comment and those who see me everyday might not notice but there's nothing more encouraging than someone doing that once-over glance and saying hey, you look good. Let's hope God times those comments at the time I need them most....I'm sure he will. It seems he knows what he's doing.

*blush*

"You're the real thing. Thanks for being you."

best compliment I will likely ever receive.

wayull.

Lessons learned tonight:

1) I can resurrect a piece on my own. And to satisfactory condition!

2) Once I've learned a piece well, I will always have it.

3) I need to embrace that awkward moment when people are clapping and looking at me.

*sigh*

Right now I'm bummed,
Right now I'm sad.
Tomorrow better?
That'd make me glad.
But at the rate
My life's been goin'
I hate to think
Of what I'm sowing.
Good or bad?
I cannot know.
So give me grace
And with me go
With every step
I dare to take
Hold me God
for my own sake.

ARGH!

I am trying to figure out a better way to handle my stress. I have yet to find one. Vodka, yelling and cleaning seem to help. Ha ha. Honestly, I don't understand how these situations arise. What did I do in the past to warrant this, who can answer such questions. Well....here I am asking for the strength and patience and sincerity and the love to be the better and bigger person. Again. For the millionth time.

randomness

An unexpected email today and a random blog yesterday and a favor given tomorrow all serve as reminders that I am indeed valuable. It's easy to let the enemy and society and the past tell us a different story but knowing a professor, a friend and an acquaintance can randomly pop into my life to assure me of how much I am worth, loved and not forgotten is a welcome event. So thank you God for blessing me with the most amazing friends, incredible professors, your silent warriors and the sheer awesomeness of my life.