And another one bites the dust.

Well, this was the year. The year I wasn't going to feel left out and yet...here I am. Left out. Home alone drinking vodka and diet tonic while listening to Billie Holiday and Lester Young. To be fair, I had a FABULOUS 48 hours with what's-his-name just days ago and it was easily the best Valentine's Day celebration I've had. Of course that's 1 of 3 so it didn't take much. Mutual attraction, interest and appeal was all I needed. So plans to spend the evening drinking Svedka with my 'wife' was a great plan until I was totally one upped by a rich businessman--the kind I'll never know about. Nonetheless, as one who savors her solitude I'll just say that while it's not what I planned, que sera, sera. And as always, I got to thinking. Thinking about marriage--NOT b/c it's on my mind but because 2 light bulbs went out and as the sole changer of light bulbs in our household I got to thinking of the benefits of marriage. So in random and pointless order, coming to me as the vodka speaks, I'm considering the trite reasons I would like to get married....

1) So I'm not the only person who changes light bulbs and fixes thing around the house and more importantly can default such annoying tasks to someone else who is inevitably more skilled at it than I.

2) So I can have someone to warm up my car and scrape off the ice on days in which my car needs it.

3) So I don't feel left out on days like Valentine's Day when everyone else is with someone. Or Christmas Eve when I'm stuck at church working instead of with my family like again...everyone else is.

4) So I can use my husband as an excuse when I don't want to participate in something...like my married friends (except Holly) do.

5) So I decrease my chances of getting Alzheimer's, heart disease and diabets--true story. On Yahoo as we speak.

6) So I have some to care for...how cliche I know but by nature I'm a giver and carer so it seems fit that I'd be able to fulfill that. Of course a puppy would be fine too.

7) So I have some to kiss every morning and every night.

8)So I can have peace of mind knowing I am marriageable. I've finally accepted I'm dateable but marriageable...jury's still out fo' sure.

9) So I can cross off that major worry from my parent's list. I know they want me to be married and I want to make them happy and give them peace of mind too.

10) So I don't grow old alone.

I realize there are many reasons I don't want to get married, like picking up after someone constantly, worrying about my unpredictable and rather moody digestive system, the overwhelming worry that they'll cheat or stop loving me, wondering if they'll realize I'm not *quite* as cool as they thought I was, that they'll find someone hotter/smarter/sexier/lovelier than me, feeling tied down and all of the other feelings that come with a terminal relationship but for tonight....*sigh* I'll just drink a bit more vodka, listen to a little more Billie Holiday and enjoy myself just as I am because that's all there is. For now. ♥ ♥ ♥

The highs and lows in the week of a girl from the land of the not quite right.

High #1) the image of David and Jason competing to see who could do the Can-Can the fastest.
Low #1) all of the delicate decisions I must make regarding my job. Ugh, I hate being a grown up.

High #2) being told I'm making all the right decisions by my Tier 1. Whew.
Low #2) gaining back the exact 2.4 lbs I lost in the previous week. My bad.

High #3) being told I am missed. Such a simple sentiment and yet so...reassuring.
Low #3) cramps. enough said.

High #4) Little Laura's choice of the Sci-Fi sound as her alarm clock sound. Hahaha!
Low #4) Not getting enrolled yet = can't go to the gym. :(

High #5) Sliders, movies and vodka gimlets
Low #5) Insatiable cravings triggered by aforementioned sliders and gimlets.

High #6) Great lessons with Lil' Jackie Winerock.
Low #6) Not even getting invited to Spooner's surprise birthday party. That's fine.

High #7) Phone date with Nate Salazar Slytherin.
Low #7) Nagging insecurities over my future.

High #8) New dress and jacket!!!
Low #8) Losing my iphone headphones. Dammit, dammit, dammit.

High #9) Slow morning with LL yesterday.
Low #9) Still not finishing Schubert. Because blogging is clearly more important. Ha.

High #10) Clear, honest communication from what's his name over calling when I want to.
Low #10) It's 2 pm, I am not showered, haven't written a word on Schubert, haven't practiced, haven't worked out and I am hungry and sleepy. Wayull....que sera, sera.

And because I need to end on an upper....1 week from now I'll be having more fun than I am right now. Hee hee!

Porque no?

Someone needs to invent a business that delivers thoughtful gifts of your own choosing for delivery at random times. I'm just saying. It's the same reason I'm ordering myself Valentine's flowers--because I deserve them and why should I wait for someone else to do it? Frankly, despite how cliche it is, receiving delivered flowers is one of my most favorite gestures ever and how many times has it happened? A few. And always by the same person: my father--one of the may reasons he is the BEST man in the world. I think we're responsible for our own happiness and while others often bring it to us, what's so shameful about going after it for ourselves? So in an effort to delay writing about Schubert (however momentarily), I am making a list of the "top" 5 things I am going to by myself in the coming months, regardless of the total lack of surprise involved. Ha!


1) Aristocats (the Disney movie): because I could watch that scene "Everybody wants to be a cat" over and over and over again and still be in tears from laughing so hard.

2) An expahnsive candle: because I love the scent of a quality candle and again, it's so cliche people don't buy them for gifts much and if they do they tend to be cheap or vanilla or both.

3) Flowers: I've already found the ones I want delivered to me on Valentine's Day, now just to order them!

4) A new CD: In this age of itunes, spotify and sirius radio, CDs are no longer a hot commodity. Except to me! I must say this is something Mr. Garner was really good at picking out for me. Gone are those days--thanks be to God. So to Hastings for something that tickles my fancy.

5) A cute or sentimental postcard: They have the most fabulous ones at The Raven and the Dusty Bookshelf and I always think, shoot, I wish someone would send me that. Wayull, I can't expect anyone but me to read my mind so this week I'm going to do just that!

I should close this by saying I've received the most thoughtful gifts from my Tier 1 who is a pro at such things and just today my auntie gave me 2 great little gifts that she picked out just for moi. I am spoiled and I am loved. My only point is I can't be loved too much. Even if by my own self. :)

All you need is luv

So I've been delaying this post because I'm afraid it sends the wrong idea and it seems premature but what the heck, this is *my* blog and I do what I want. I've been thinking about love of all sorts and in any context because it's something that's easy for me to exercise. Yet after many years, much reconsideration, countless hours of over analyzing and too many wasted tears, I've come to the very real conclusion that I, Kezia Joy Schrag, have never been in love. I thought I had been in love but in hindsight I think it was infatuation with a hint of obsession. When you love someone you don't compromise yourself, you find yourself becoming a better person because of them right? And your life becomes one of mutual companionship, not an imbalance of giving and getting. I could go on and on but I want to get the point which is simply that I've found a new favorite song that perfectly describes how I feel about love. For the full effect, view the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4phAaJKQIE

For now, here it goes, in the voice of Billie Holiday:

When somebody loves you
It's no good unless he loves you - all the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you - all the way

Taller than the tallest tree is
That's how it's got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue see is
That's how deep it goes - if its real

When somebody needs you
It's no good unless he needs you - all the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all the in between years - come what may

Who know where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if you'll let me love you
It's for sure I'm gonna love you - all the way, all the way

*sigh* Perhaps one day I'll feel like this and if not, it's not meant for me and that's okay. We'll see. There's a good 50 years left if all goes well. What's the rush? :)

How much .... is too much.

I'll never really know I guess. How much is demasiado. All I know is that the girl in me says I want to go with my gut instincts and say what I want, when I want regardless of frequency or tone. And yet, the woman inside me says not to--that I'll become *that* girl. Where is the line between sweet and suffocating? The difference between thoughtful and obsessive? *sigh* And if I deny myself the chance to initiate in an effort to avoid becoming the one who always initiates then isn't that playing mind games? Even if only with myself? So what am I to do....Argh. Que sera, sera I suppose.

4 - week goals

So today I set 2 goals with my WW leader. The timeline is starting 1/18 and ending 2/15. They are:

1) Run the entire 4m Love 2 Run couples race, mit oder ohne eine freund. (party of 1 please?)

2) Lose an average of .6 lbs a week for a total of 2.4 lbs.

IF I reach both goals I'm rewarding myself with an hour massage!!!
If I reach only 1 goal I get to buy new earrings. Not bad. On a more personal note my current goal is to keep my expectations low so that in the event things don't work out the disappointment is minimal. How negative that might sound but honestly I just can't take getting excited and getting disappointments so really it's just realistic, self-preservation. Okay, here we go, bon chance, viel gluck and buena suerte!!!

2nd blog like a hobbit's 2nd breakfast

Top reasons today was better than usual:

1)bedtime recitations in German (technically happened *today*)
2)discovered new favorite song to replace previous favorite tainted by jerk who broke my heart.
3)breakfast with my Tier 1.
4)discarded half my clothes b/c they're too big.
5)singalong with Tier 1.