I will never be able to offer my daughter the luxuries, protection and advantages the wealthy can but she will never suffer from a lack of love.

C'est la vie

So. Here we are. November 20, 2012. I should've written days ago when all was fresh in my mind but if there is one thing I've learned in these 20 days, it's that everything else can wait. This is hard for me. I see a dish, I want to wash it. I see socks on the floor I want to sort them. I see coats out I want to put them away and it goes on and on. I feel hungry, I want to eat...but my life is no longer my own. My needs, my desires, my wants are not the first and only priority. This is not to say I have lost my sense of self or that my life is now "complete" in a way it wasn't before but rather to say that there is an awareness of how selfless I must be in order to tackle this new challenge: motherhood. The long and short of it is the pregnancy was a breeze but the labor was not. Somehow though I've been blessed with the most amazing partner without whom I could not be doing this. Sure, I would alone if I had to or become reliant on my family more than I am but it'd be so much harder. He's my buddy, he's my hero, he's my love, he's everything I could ask for on this journey. And what a journey it is. The most curious part of all this is how completely natural and normal it feels. Almost as if this was all part of a plan I didn't know existed. Sure, I'm sleep-deprived and a lot has changed but remarkably all seems settled and rather peaceful. We'll see where this all takes us but even now I hear the cry of my wee little one and know it's time to go. There's so much more to say but like I said. It can all wait. Because my daughter needs me! I'm still wrapping my head around that. My. Daughter. MINE! (or rather our's). Cocoa Bean! Mama's coming!!!

Wait for it...wait for it....

Somehow, in some way, of all the things that I could be right now I am almost entirely content. Perhaps the sense of urgency I should be having is around the corner or...perhaps this is the way things were meant to be. God or no God, Karma or no karma, fate or no fate....here I am living a life I could not have ever imagined I would choose but now that it's chosen me I have to admit that it's better than anything I could have come up with on my own. Heavens knows I tried with all the wrong people and at all the wrong times so it's almost unbelievable that an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, shacking up with my boyfriend and reevaluating all of my spiritual beliefs would bring me to such a place of satisfaction. Who knows what the coming weeks will be like and based on what I've heard I can't say I'm *really* looking forward to the lack of sleep, the pain, the insatiable hunger, the adjustments, etc. but I will say this: I could not be more blessed to have the amazing people I have, including the one on the way. So here it goes, a last few days or maybe even weeks of this life I now know left to be enjoyed because the jig is up! Game on! Come on Cocoa Bean! Let the games and fun begin.

How in the world...

Did I get so lucky that: *my Tier 1 is the BEST Tier 1 in the world. Hands down. *my favsian is the cutest, most likeable asian. Period. *my buddy is quite possibly the best match for me. How I'm lucky enough to call these people my friends I'll never know. Le sigh.

Epiphany!

Today was special in so many ways, no extraordinary ways by any means but special nonetheless. I realized that all this time I've been worried and tortured over something that has yet to happen. Granted, this pregnancy is totally unplanned and there are still times I want to throw a tantrum, a la 3-year-old Kezia, and get my life back to the way it "was"--complete with nightcaps, skinny jeans, Weight Watchers and energy that lasted through an entire day. But. Here I am, 5 1/2 months along and gearing up to welcome our little cocoa bean and it took until today to tackle my worst fear: raising a daughter. Ha ha! I've always wanted a boy, that's no secret but the moment I found out it was a girl my heart was plenty content. But those nagging insecurities of raising a girl have haunted me for so long now. Those unanswered questions of how do I raise a daughter without the same issues I endured? And if it'd been a boy, what's his name would have to the role model while I stood idly by, content with being a good mom. Now, the pressure's on! Or so I thought. It took just one person's reaction to my announcement that I was having a girl to make me think...what the hell! What if I don't impose my own weight issues on my daughter and I don't try to live vicariously through her and I don't try to make her someone she's not. WHAT IF....I instill the right amount of confidence, the right amount of grace, armed with plenty of wit and some mad martial arts skills while showing her how to embrace her beauty as a strong, independent, thinking woman?! What if she knows how to drive a stick, parallel park and the major stats of the NBA. What IF. What if she grows into being the badass I think she will be. What if I'm successful and she takes the world by storm like she could. What if she grows up happy, loving herself, valuing her body, her mind and her spirit? It's totally possible, I just hadn't thought about the alternative outcome until now. So game on, Cocoa Bean! Hurry up and get here so I can show you all the things I love about being a female--the sheer strength we can exude under pressure, the love we can emote, the way the right heels empower me, how fun it is to get made up and how beautiful you're going to be even when you're not and the way your precious, lively spirit is going to light up this world like no one I've ever known. I can already tell you're a mover and a shaker! So Cocoa Bean, I'm going to make mistakes--we both know that but I promise you this...that in all I do I will do my best to be the role model you deserve because if it weren't you I'd never have realized how awesome it is to be a woman. One day you'll see too!

Boo hoo.

Today I am a whiny mess. I'm hot, I'm stuffy/congested, I feel gross, I know I look gross, I'm anxious, I'm lazy, I'm bummed, I'm overwhelmed and I'm tired of being told to "track my weight" as it goes up (which isn't half as fun as watching it go down), I'm sore/achy, I'm nothing I want to be in this moment. If I were a 3-year-old I'd be throwing a very nasty temper tantrum. But I'm not. So here I am spewing this negativity into the world wide web hoping I'll feel better in 3....2....1.

You can't always get what you want.

Ain't that the truth? And why not? Why can't I get everything I want? Don't I deserve it? I guess not or even if I did, so goes life. I guess I just never in a million years expected to be here again. On the receiving end of the emotionally unavailable. What does that even mean? And who the fuck wants to live like that anyway? Why would you choose to stay like that? And take the chance of missing out on all the great things in life? Including moi. I just can't tell if I'm overreacting or if I'm about to do the wisest thing I've done in a long time. All I know is that I've been down this path before and the scenery looks the same. But this time the outcome could be much worse. OR...it could be the ending I've wanted all along but that's not up to me, now is it? For the record, I am emotionally available, I am loving, doting person who would make you the center of my world if given the chance. I've always known I wanted a career and was pretty sure I wanted a marriage or at least long-term relationships (since we know the idea of marriage is a crock anyway). The jury was still out on kids and yet look at where I am. I have no career, I have a 'suitor' who doesn't know what he wants and a kid on the way. It seems like all has gone to hell in a hand basket. Now, I know it hasn't. All will end well and it will all work out--the hard pill to swallow right now is that it's likely things won't end the way I'd like them to have. My parents tell me to pray--I've done that before and look at my life. Whether my prayers go unanswered or this is all part of a masterful plan to which I am not yet privy, I don't know. People tell me to be patient--last time I was patient I got my heart broken--I won't let that happen again. Some say just tell him how it is--either it's all of me or none of me. That seems premature, dramatic and perhaps risky but at the same time....somehow right. Oh gosh. If only I could have a stiff drink right now I know that'd clear my head. Or at least muddle it enough that I don't care so much that I need to resolve things today. On the other hand, I have a haircut tomorrow morning bright and early so I can at least return to the person I'm meant to be--a short-haired person. Hee.