Who

Hmph!!!

It's official. If there is a God...he hates me. The longest winter ever...followed by a tease of 60 degree days and then snow. And the Jayhawks lost to a No. 11 team. Fine, hate me if you will!!!

Thaddeus.

Oh little Thaddeus. He's just great. He's smart, he's cute, we have a lot of fun together, he likes me....the problem is he's 3 and he's not mine to keep. And after spending the afternoon together I got to wondering if maybe motherhood might be far more satisfying than music. Because the truth is I don't see the two going hand in hand. I'm following this blog about a social studies teacher who's agreed to eat school lunch everyday to experience first hand the rapid decline in public school lunches. Anyhoo...she said it's impossible to create an elaborate meal when you're 30, you work and you have a family so she has to plan every meal on the weekend and shop according to this unchangeable list. EVERY damn meal! I could never do that nor would I want to but...at the same time I don't want to practice and I don't want to do anything piano/music related. So what's a girl to do? I've wanted this doctorate forever and I will get it, soon actually. Well, soonish. But what IF I had gotten married in my 20s and cashed in my degrees for a downpayment on a house. And I stayed home taking care of the home and my kids...I wonder. It's not to say you can't have a career and a family nor am I saying that's not my hope. But...the truth is you can't be the best piano teacher and the best mom. I've already seen people try. Music is so unlike most careers. I remember Mr. Costa telling me "there are no holidays, there are no weekends. We are not like the mailmen. We have no days off." And it's true! Even over this break I saw my friends at Murphy late into the evening, like 11 or 12 p.m. and it's break!!! And I should clarify that by career I do not mean maintaining a single-digit sized 'studio' out of my home. I mean teaching in a university or a starting and running a music prep school for high schoolers, adjucating, performing, collaborating, etc. I guess all this seems so far in the future and so unlikely (marriage/kids) that I can sleep worry free for now. But somewhere in the back of my head is a mini Tad nagging at me, beckoning me to join a game of baseball, even without the bat and ball. Or to go fishing indoors with a jump rope as a lure. Or to make invisible cookies (truly calorie free) and to play golf with a tennis ball. If only I were a man and I could marry some unsuspecting girl to be all that I need and maintain my career. Oh and not have feelings. Ha ha. Oh well. For now I'll postpone practicing and enjoy Tad. Tomorrow we're going to the pet store! Who knows what wonders we'll find there.

!!!

Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!!!

Oh my.

Today I was up a pound but I deserved it. I'm remotivated. I hate the piano and missed my calling as a housewife. I made picadillo minus the jalapeno this time and it's lacking...but at least it's edible. I emailed Mr. Garner and it feels good for some reason. I worked out. Only 200+ calories but that's more than if I hadn't gone. Hot tub is actually hot tonight. Vodka is calling my name. "keeeeezia" it whispers, beckons. My zit is still on my forehead remind me I am 30 with the skin of a teenager. I saw Steven for the first time in weeks--he's SO great. Laura and I had dinner again tonight. We're gonna be real happy living together I can tell. Or hate each other. One of the two... :)

Ode

Zit on my forehead
How I hate you.
Zit on my forehead
Go away, shoo!
Zit on my forehead
Just let me be.
Zit on my forehead
Was one,now three?!
Zit on my forehead
One day you'll go.
Zit on my forehead
No longer my foe.

Life's unfair...

...because on days like this I miss you far more than you deserve.