You can't always get what you want.

Ain't that the truth? And why not? Why can't I get everything I want? Don't I deserve it? I guess not or even if I did, so goes life. I guess I just never in a million years expected to be here again. On the receiving end of the emotionally unavailable. What does that even mean? And who the fuck wants to live like that anyway? Why would you choose to stay like that? And take the chance of missing out on all the great things in life? Including moi. I just can't tell if I'm overreacting or if I'm about to do the wisest thing I've done in a long time. All I know is that I've been down this path before and the scenery looks the same. But this time the outcome could be much worse. OR...it could be the ending I've wanted all along but that's not up to me, now is it? For the record, I am emotionally available, I am loving, doting person who would make you the center of my world if given the chance. I've always known I wanted a career and was pretty sure I wanted a marriage or at least long-term relationships (since we know the idea of marriage is a crock anyway). The jury was still out on kids and yet look at where I am. I have no career, I have a 'suitor' who doesn't know what he wants and a kid on the way. It seems like all has gone to hell in a hand basket. Now, I know it hasn't. All will end well and it will all work out--the hard pill to swallow right now is that it's likely things won't end the way I'd like them to have. My parents tell me to pray--I've done that before and look at my life. Whether my prayers go unanswered or this is all part of a masterful plan to which I am not yet privy, I don't know. People tell me to be patient--last time I was patient I got my heart broken--I won't let that happen again. Some say just tell him how it is--either it's all of me or none of me. That seems premature, dramatic and perhaps risky but at the same time....somehow right. Oh gosh. If only I could have a stiff drink right now I know that'd clear my head. Or at least muddle it enough that I don't care so much that I need to resolve things today. On the other hand, I have a haircut tomorrow morning bright and early so I can at least return to the person I'm meant to be--a short-haired person. Hee.

Everyday.

Everyday contains a struggle and everyday contains a joy. My job right now is to battle the former and remember the latter. Easier said than done, like most real things in life. I feel like every morning I have to convince myself I'm doing the right thing while simultaneously battling faculty, patrons and feelings that tell me I'm not. Granted, these are not the 'same' things but the feeling is overwhelming. I've prayed, I've wallowed, I've pondered and so it all continues. What's really, truly magical (or Godly, whichever way you believe) about this whole hot mess is that amidst the self-absorbed, calloused attitudes of certain 'men' (to use the term quite loosely), a handful of the most amazing people have revealed themselves to me. The friends I have are amazing. Simply put: AMAZING. Not once have I been doubted, questioned or judged but always loved, comforted and validated. Then, certain professors I could not have imagined being so helpful, so gracious and so available have made a difficult situation tolerable. Barely. Ha! No, in truth, if it weren't for some of these helpful people I'd have gone postal on KU a long time ago. And frankly, it'd be well-deserved. So while unanswered questions will continue to keep me awake when I'd rather be sleeping and the future is shaky at best, I am doing my very best to keep things in perspective. If only said disappointments who shall remain nameless might have had the balls to do the same. Here in lies the disadvantage of me being a better 'man' than many....

Who'd have thought.

Wow. That is all I can really say. Wow. When all was wrong in the world and the timing was horrible and I had no real feelings about the future...the unexpected and unplanned happened. And here we are. Early days but a buzz of excitement, a tangle of nerves and the feeling that things are going to change. It's unbelievable how amazing people are, even when you've known all along that they are. Despite the mistakes I've made and all of the foolish things I've done, the people I love the most love me just as much in return. And now I'm ready to share that love in a way I never imagined could happen right now. Mum's the word for now but let's just say the impossible has happened and although at first it didn't seem so good...I think it's all going to be just fine. Just fiiiiiine.

omg. really?

I am about to explode or go insane. Or both. In reverse order. Between theory professors, patrons, bosses and churches I am on the brink of something...something not so good. Argh. Where's a baseball bat and desktop (a la Office Space) when you need one?

uhhhhhhhh.

I am a roller coaster of emotions from anxious to doubtful to elation to whiny to anything and everything in between. I don't know the cause of my ever changing feelings but I do know it's wearing me out and no doubt wearing on the patience of those around me. I feel so immensely disappointed with myself and instead of that motivating me to get things done it's just "weighing on an already heavy mind" (name that movie!). More importantly, it's so all-consuming I'm left blind to see and therefore enjoy the lovely happenings around me. I can't tell if I need a spanking/attitude adjustment or a hug and soothing pep talk. I think I just feel overwhelmed and beyond help. And since neither a spanking (unless kinky) or pep talk are on their way, here I am venting to the most neutral audience--the internet. Okay, so in an effort to ease my mind and make things seem conquerable, here are my main worries and possible outcomes. In no particularly overwhelming order....

1) student loans: I checked my history and the amount I owe is whopping, ridiculous and unnecessary. I have gotten myself into quite a pickle (and not a dill or sweet but one of those nasty marinated ones from the Casbah). I *WISH* someone would have guided me or informed me in the decisions I made or at least advised me to attend cheaper schools. It's weird how encouraged I was to attend FU b/c they're Christian and private. Here's a memo: God will not pay off my loans and the world is not private. So big mistake #1. (this is not to say God won't help me find a job or guide me to be able to pay them off...)

Solution ?: KU, U of I and FU were all willing to help me get these loans. Surely the financial aid department has someone who will help me set up payments and give me advice. Right? Phone calls being made this week.

2) what's his name: I've never been good at confrontation in person and am ill-equipped to express myself succinctly for fear of rejection. I swear that's the main reason I have yet to find the right person. Not b/c of my inability but because the timing would be horrible.

Solution ?: What's his name is the most honest, clear communicator I've known and the easiest person to talk to so the ball's in my court. If I can't be honest with him, I have no hope. So apology and explanation coming this week.

3) next year: Every year I think I'll move and start a new chapter of my life. And each year I don't I feel my confidence as a person diminished severely. Aaaah, people must have given up on me by now. I don't even feel like I have the right to be proud of graduating anymore. Sheesh. SMH. And what am I even going to do? Where am I going to live? And what about what's his name?!

Solution ?: Teaching in Lawrence/KC may not be as glamorous as Seattle and it may be disappointing but...it's work and it's near my family. And I'll always have somewhere to go as long as I have my family and my friends. And as far as what's his name....well, that one's not up to just me. *sigh*

Okay, so 3 major issues shouldn't be enough to alter me so much I can't recognize myself. So here's a deep breath in and a big sigh out...the silver lining is that by the end of 2012 I'll still have met my goal met, still be Dr. Schrag and still be loved at the end of everyday. That's not so bad is it?

And another one bites the dust.

Well, this was the year. The year I wasn't going to feel left out and yet...here I am. Left out. Home alone drinking vodka and diet tonic while listening to Billie Holiday and Lester Young. To be fair, I had a FABULOUS 48 hours with what's-his-name just days ago and it was easily the best Valentine's Day celebration I've had. Of course that's 1 of 3 so it didn't take much. Mutual attraction, interest and appeal was all I needed. So plans to spend the evening drinking Svedka with my 'wife' was a great plan until I was totally one upped by a rich businessman--the kind I'll never know about. Nonetheless, as one who savors her solitude I'll just say that while it's not what I planned, que sera, sera. And as always, I got to thinking. Thinking about marriage--NOT b/c it's on my mind but because 2 light bulbs went out and as the sole changer of light bulbs in our household I got to thinking of the benefits of marriage. So in random and pointless order, coming to me as the vodka speaks, I'm considering the trite reasons I would like to get married....

1) So I'm not the only person who changes light bulbs and fixes thing around the house and more importantly can default such annoying tasks to someone else who is inevitably more skilled at it than I.

2) So I can have someone to warm up my car and scrape off the ice on days in which my car needs it.

3) So I don't feel left out on days like Valentine's Day when everyone else is with someone. Or Christmas Eve when I'm stuck at church working instead of with my family like again...everyone else is.

4) So I can use my husband as an excuse when I don't want to participate in something...like my married friends (except Holly) do.

5) So I decrease my chances of getting Alzheimer's, heart disease and diabets--true story. On Yahoo as we speak.

6) So I have some to care for...how cliche I know but by nature I'm a giver and carer so it seems fit that I'd be able to fulfill that. Of course a puppy would be fine too.

7) So I have some to kiss every morning and every night.

8)So I can have peace of mind knowing I am marriageable. I've finally accepted I'm dateable but marriageable...jury's still out fo' sure.

9) So I can cross off that major worry from my parent's list. I know they want me to be married and I want to make them happy and give them peace of mind too.

10) So I don't grow old alone.

I realize there are many reasons I don't want to get married, like picking up after someone constantly, worrying about my unpredictable and rather moody digestive system, the overwhelming worry that they'll cheat or stop loving me, wondering if they'll realize I'm not *quite* as cool as they thought I was, that they'll find someone hotter/smarter/sexier/lovelier than me, feeling tied down and all of the other feelings that come with a terminal relationship but for tonight....*sigh* I'll just drink a bit more vodka, listen to a little more Billie Holiday and enjoy myself just as I am because that's all there is. For now. ♥ ♥ ♥

The highs and lows in the week of a girl from the land of the not quite right.

High #1) the image of David and Jason competing to see who could do the Can-Can the fastest.
Low #1) all of the delicate decisions I must make regarding my job. Ugh, I hate being a grown up.

High #2) being told I'm making all the right decisions by my Tier 1. Whew.
Low #2) gaining back the exact 2.4 lbs I lost in the previous week. My bad.

High #3) being told I am missed. Such a simple sentiment and yet so...reassuring.
Low #3) cramps. enough said.

High #4) Little Laura's choice of the Sci-Fi sound as her alarm clock sound. Hahaha!
Low #4) Not getting enrolled yet = can't go to the gym. :(

High #5) Sliders, movies and vodka gimlets
Low #5) Insatiable cravings triggered by aforementioned sliders and gimlets.

High #6) Great lessons with Lil' Jackie Winerock.
Low #6) Not even getting invited to Spooner's surprise birthday party. That's fine.

High #7) Phone date with Nate Salazar Slytherin.
Low #7) Nagging insecurities over my future.

High #8) New dress and jacket!!!
Low #8) Losing my iphone headphones. Dammit, dammit, dammit.

High #9) Slow morning with LL yesterday.
Low #9) Still not finishing Schubert. Because blogging is clearly more important. Ha.

High #10) Clear, honest communication from what's his name over calling when I want to.
Low #10) It's 2 pm, I am not showered, haven't written a word on Schubert, haven't practiced, haven't worked out and I am hungry and sleepy. Wayull....que sera, sera.

And because I need to end on an upper....1 week from now I'll be having more fun than I am right now. Hee hee!