Dear me...

Dear Kezia of the past, I want to start by saying simply this: All is well. You have know way of knowing this and the demons you battle now are no indication of the future to come. There is so much to tell you and so much to look forward to in your life. One day you'll accept the way you look even before trying to lose weight. It's hard to believe this living in Kansas where no guys pay you any attention but out there are men who think you're pretty badass (which you are). Believe it or not, the world is not like the small-minded, suffocating state you live in now. Not everyone is Christian, not everyone is white, not everyone gets married or has kids and that's all OK. In fact, it's what makes the world interesting, people of different walks of life, believing different things and making different choices. That feeling that you have something special to share is genuine. You just haven't met the right people yet. And you won't soon. It's going to feel like a lifetime until you set your spirit free. There will be heartbreak over feeling unwanted and distress over familial relationships. There will be internal struggle to find who you are, what you believe and what you want for yourself. But the good news is this: you are strong. you are smart. you are beautiful. and you are loved. It's okay to want so much for yourself, it's not selfish and it's certainly not fault of yours that you won't find until long after your friends find it. You have so many strengths but you have one of the worst weaknesses: you compare yourself to others. They marry first, they graduate first, they win first, they slim down first, and the list goes on. But if only you could know what I know which is the best wine ages the longest and you my dear, will settle into who you are one day. Just not this day. So for all the awkwardness you feel over how you look, how you act and where you came from, rest easy knowing it's true what they say: good things come to those that wait. Hang in there kid, you still have your heart to be broken, your political beliefs to take a 180, weight to gain and lose, competitions to win (1st place in some!) and drastic life changes. But I can't tell you everything or you won't end up the person you are today. Just trust me that when I say it's good, it's damn good. :) Your fan in the future.