what the *%$!

i want to have a real job! and i want to be in some impressive branch of law and wear nice, expensive suits every work day and have manicured nails and know i'm going to always afford what i need. i want that too! i want to be done with school and i want to be her right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what have i done with my life?!

A few of MY favorite things.

*the sound of muted trumpet tooting out of my alarm clock
*my new duvet
*the smell and taste of coffee
*getting that last annoying eyebrow plucked
*holding hands...how I miss that right now
*the aural chaos of an orchestra tuning
*the way thaddeus wants me to hold him after he's woken from his nap
*chopping things like garlic and onions
*the smell of my mom's perfume
*how much I laugh with little laura
*pellet ice and a foam cup
*how a picardy third makes all that was wrong right in the world
*falling asleep
*being in love
*a good shoulder rub
*how my dad always says goodbye with: geht mit gott
*my grey sweater that's ridiculously soft
*the scent of a freshly shaven man
*being hugged by someone stronger and bigger than me
*a well-intentioned wink
*the crack of creme brulee
*the last sentence of a book
*a handwritten letter
*a good first kiss
*the colors of autumn
*anything Christmas
*Tom & Jerry cartoons
*whore red lipstick
*the feeling of how special my teacher makes me feel
*being adopted
*believing in an all-powerful, loving God
*Bach G Major cello suite
*any puppy!!!
*my memories of Mr. Garner
*the way Mozart just naturally sounds in my hands
*that my parents pray for me every day
*smoothies
*the original ending for Schumann's Fantasy
*honey!
*sleeping in just enough to feel relaxed....

'tis a sweet memory

Tonight I went to my first symphony orchestra concert in way too long. Why do I wait for those? They are hands down my favorite musical concerts to attend. Solo piano pales in comparison to the greatest repertoire and the extensive palette of colors. I have such fond memories of going to the symphony when I was little and how mesmerizing it was to see so many people interact on stage, guided by only the music and one man....since I've only ever seen 2 female conductors. Ever. What gives? And besides, solo recitals are just so...freaking boring usually. Singers can pull off a decent one here and there but come on, I'd be lying if I said I enjoy a recital. I suppose that's after years of going to mediocre performances given only as a requirement. Plus, I'm pianoed out for the most part. Oh and there's a very strong nostalgic feeling for me when it comes to orchestra concerts. They're so magical!!! Tonight's was just beautiful and the soloists were incredible. It was just lovely, lovely! Next time I can't and won't wait so long. :)

Aw man...

I had the absolute worst dream last night. It wasn't scary nor was it prophetic, no one died, I wasn't hurt. It was awful because it was so real and so satisfying. Until I woke up. Somehow I was in a situation in which some weird natural disaster of sorts, like a storm, hit the area and I was running for my life, barely able to survive. But somehow I got into a basement area with a bunch of people and survived. After I emerged into the outdoors and people were scrambling to find each other and make contact with their loved ones I got a call from Rachel. Just asking if I'd survived and in that very question all of our feelings were resolved and forgiven. The pure elation of forgiveness and resolution were so real and felt so strongly even in my sleep. Immediately following that call I ran into Mr. Garner and somehow we found ourselves in a rather affectionate embrace, also culminating in unsaid apologies and filled with incredible hope. Even in that moment in which you are almost awake but not quite...I felt so peaceful and blissful, unlike I have felt in years. After forcing myself to open my eyes for a split second I felt so free and joyful thinking all was right. But then my heart became heavy again with the awareness that I will never experience such happiness with either of those people....god dammit.

Wow...

This week I got the following:

"You're not married are you?" -- my 8 year old student.
"You're a kid huh?" --same student
"Your hair is cute. It's much better than some of the other cuts you've had." -- 'friend'
"So you just sing and dance and play piano right?" -- my 12 year old student on being a music major
"It's nothing personal..." -- my teacher kindly lying to me probably to spare my feelings
I can't remember the other humorous ones....shit.

Ooh, but this one was nice and much needed:
"You look good. But you always look good." -- my male fan

Blah, this week sucks.

Rain day blues

Today is just one of those quirky, exhausting days on which you accomplish very little. I had a great piano lesson and if I may say so (which I can b/c no one reads this...unless they accidentally google me), I taught a damn good lesson. Damn good. And I just love it so much, it's days like this when I think,yeah, I AM meant to do this. And it brings a satisfaction nothing else could. So why does it have to be coupled with the annoying sensation of helplessness? Gosh. What the F. Lesson learned....well, I don't know. To let go? Perhaps. After all is said and done, apologies made, patience tested, prayers said and all possibilities exhausted I'm still put out. So what now? What now....meh. You can't win 'em all.

Oops.

Well, I clearly abandoned my health blog but mostly for two reasons:
1. I didn't have internet at the time so it was hard to get on here daily.
2. After my recital things fell apart and there was no point admitting that daily I was jacking things up...

Anyway, let's hope this year goes better and the truth is summer is the devil for me as far as eating well and getting exercise. Who wants to eat healthy when you can grill burgers and hot dogs? Or go to the gym when it's a sauna outside and you can lay out at the pool? Whatev. So goes life. Or at least MY life. Last night I was thinking as I was falling asleep to Renee Fleming's Haunted Heart album and started to catalogue what I might choose as my favorite albums ever..tough decision. So in an effort to update my blog (because lord the world is anxiously awaiting my next entry) I've decided to include a list of my current favorites, in no particular order, which will always be subject to change....

1) HAUNTED HEART by Renee Fleming
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLbSwaWaFx0

I remember 'borrowing' Mr. Garner's copy and becoming so addicted I had to buy my own. There is something magical about Renee's voice in all of her performances but this album in particular strikes my fancy. Part of it is the mellow tone and jazzy/lounge feel of the album and unfortunately part of it is the sentiment I associate with listening to it. It's perfect for an evening drive in any weather, many of which I made with Mr. Garner in the snowy nights of Moscow. Ah, so bittersweet.

2) TRANSISTOR RADIO by Matthew Ward
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Bct-85hb7c

I don't usually find myself listening to anything besides classical and jazz but I heard about this album on NPR, go figure. I decided to check it out after the review on NPR and I really, really loved it. So much that I got another album of his: Postwar. In general when it comes to singing I fall for anyone who has a voice that I really like regardless of the lyrics or ensemble. There's something catchy but subdued about his music. I like the ensemble and the playfulness but along the way there's something underlying that makes me sentimental or sad. But in a good way! Much the same way I feel about Mozart? The solo guitar version of Bach's C Major Prelude gets me every damn time. :)

3)BEETHOVEN TRIPLE CONCERTO AND CHORAL FANTASY with Yo-Yo Ma, Daniel Barenboim and Itzhak Perlman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ave3q4rbW30

Now talk about an all-star lineup! So I fell in love with Beethoven's Choral Fantasy when I was about 8 or so, I would listen to it endlessly on my walkman (yes that's right my walkman) and it was a live performance and I nearly died with excitement at the ending followed by thunderous applause. I don't know what recording it was but I eventually found this one of Ma, Barenboim and Perlman, also a live performance. It's a bit theatrical but they can't help it, when you're that famous it comes with the business I think.

4) THE MELODY AT NIGHT WITH YOU by Keith Jarrett
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhKMzN_RcCI

This might be my favorite album EVER. Might be. The tenderness and sensitivity of Jarrett's playing in combination with some of my favorite songs ever is purely blissful if not heartbreaking. Can it be both? Everything from the choice of songs (yes, they're 'songs') to the interpretation to the coverart is just amazing. Only one addition would make it positively my favorite ever: the addition of Over the Rainbow. But it's good he doesn't include it because my little heart couldn't take it following Shenandoah, Someone to watch me, Porgy and Bess, etc. Bravo Jarrett! I should admit that I have overwhelming sentimental feelings with this one too! Crap. Damn love for skewing my favorites...

5)BEETHOVEN CELLO SONATAS with Sviatoslav Ricther and Mstislav Rostropovich
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-nwSJ06wVE

Now I actually own this on LP so the link isn't the CD but either way it's all the same thing. This is an absolutely divine album! It's amazing how what happens when you bring together 2 of the most brillian musicians of our time with one of the greatest composers ever. Plus, I'm sucker for cello, perhaps my favorite instrument. The playing and interpretion by these geniuses is monumental and the added crackle of the LP makes for a truly powerful performance.

I have to go now but the other 5 will be here eventually... :)