Fiiiiiiiiinally.

4 1/2 months later I am finally writing the blog entry I should have written oh say, about 4 1/2 months ago. But what can I say? I've been too busy enjoying life, trying to keep up with it and just plain behind on about every damn thing. Better late than never though so they say. Whoever "they" is. Nonetheless, here it goes! I woke up Wednesday, October 31 at 4:30 with what I thought were contractions. Given I had thrown out every pregnancy book somewhere along month 5 of my pregnancy I had to go with what my body told me or at least what I had seen on TV. I decided to call in "sick" to my nanny job and take it "easy"--ha ha! Around 10:00 a.m. Robert and I headed to my haircut because Lord knows I won't miss those for anything and besides in the event I went into labor I had to look good, right? Then we headed to the courthouse for early voting because I wasn't about to miss out on my right to vote! Finally around 4 pm after almost 12 hours of contractions (ouch!) we made the 5 minute drive to LMH! Here I am in my last pic before the big moment: I've never liked hospitals nor have I ever stayed in one overnight so getting comfortable without medication was not an easy task. Given the slow progress in my labor I could not be officially admitted and therefore was without any painkillers for hours--not what I had planned. Unlike so many women I was ready to take full advantage of modern medicine via an epidural, pain meds or whatever was being served. The whole experience would have been so much more painful and draining if it weren't for Robert. He was so amazing that even the nurses commented on what a great team we were! My hope is that remains true for a lifetime. After two whirl tub baths, some pacing, foot rubs and more poking/prodding than I'll ever face again it was time to admit me! Up next was a life-saving cocktail of some sort of mild pain killers and most importantly--an epidural. So at about 11:30 pm I was officially a patient at LMH! The almost 20 hours of labor had worn both me and Robert out so we put on the Avengers and called it a night. After a restless night and having the epidural re administered twice for wearing off the contractions became faster and harder. The situation become rather risky due to complications with my contractions at about 3:30 pm Thursday, November 1 the doctor ordered a C-section if the situation didn't improve within minutes. I don't know what I believe or if I believe anything but in that moment I prayed. I asked Robert to pray and while he was on the phone with some choir members I asked them to pray. Whether it was prayer or fate or nature telling my body to do what it was made for, something changed and Amélia's heartbeat settled enough to prepare for the actual labor part since to this point I'd mostly done nothing but let nurses wait on me. At last it was time and while I don't remember the process very clearly I just remember thinking "this is it". Nothing profound, nothing frightful--just that simple thought. And before I knew it--she was there. In the flesh, in the breathing, beautiful flesh. I don't know really what I felt but I think the overall lack of surprise was the surprise itself. It just seemed so right and so meant to be. Everything else happened very quickly and I don't remember it clearly--in truth I felt very much an outsider rather than the star of the show. I couldn't do anything for myself and had to watch as the doctor frantically cared for the baby, Robert and the nurses scurried around, etc. In short, the whole experience was memorable but not as huge as I expected. I feel like those momentous occasions are coming as we grow with her. That felt like we were gathered at the starting line and the shotgun went off and now I'm in the race. I do know that without Robert and the incredible L&D staff at LMH my experience could have gone very differently. The ease with which everything happened was a true blessing and hopefully as sign of what is to come. Could I be so hopeful? I wouldn't allow pics which I do not regret. It seemed such an intimate moment already shared with a roomful of strangers I can't see why I'd share it with others. I have this one pic immediately after Cocoa was born and it will have to do: In hindsight, I realize how lucky we are to have had such an easy time with our baby but I guess that's the blessing that comes with an unplanned pregnancy? Either way, I can't imagine had I made a different decision. This is it. This was meant to be, God, fate, karma, chance, however you'll have it. And I'm really starting to settle into and cannot wait to see what become of my little Amélia Rose Schrag McNichols. She's chill, she's fiery,she's tough and she's gorgeous and that's just the first 4 months! I know my little mover and shaker will mix things up and I'm so lucky to get to watch it all unfold. :)

I will never be able to offer my daughter the luxuries, protection and advantages the wealthy can but she will never suffer from a lack of love.

C'est la vie

So. Here we are. November 20, 2012. I should've written days ago when all was fresh in my mind but if there is one thing I've learned in these 20 days, it's that everything else can wait. This is hard for me. I see a dish, I want to wash it. I see socks on the floor I want to sort them. I see coats out I want to put them away and it goes on and on. I feel hungry, I want to eat...but my life is no longer my own. My needs, my desires, my wants are not the first and only priority. This is not to say I have lost my sense of self or that my life is now "complete" in a way it wasn't before but rather to say that there is an awareness of how selfless I must be in order to tackle this new challenge: motherhood. The long and short of it is the pregnancy was a breeze but the labor was not. Somehow though I've been blessed with the most amazing partner without whom I could not be doing this. Sure, I would alone if I had to or become reliant on my family more than I am but it'd be so much harder. He's my buddy, he's my hero, he's my love, he's everything I could ask for on this journey. And what a journey it is. The most curious part of all this is how completely natural and normal it feels. Almost as if this was all part of a plan I didn't know existed. Sure, I'm sleep-deprived and a lot has changed but remarkably all seems settled and rather peaceful. We'll see where this all takes us but even now I hear the cry of my wee little one and know it's time to go. There's so much more to say but like I said. It can all wait. Because my daughter needs me! I'm still wrapping my head around that. My. Daughter. MINE! (or rather our's). Cocoa Bean! Mama's coming!!!

Wait for it...wait for it....

Somehow, in some way, of all the things that I could be right now I am almost entirely content. Perhaps the sense of urgency I should be having is around the corner or...perhaps this is the way things were meant to be. God or no God, Karma or no karma, fate or no fate....here I am living a life I could not have ever imagined I would choose but now that it's chosen me I have to admit that it's better than anything I could have come up with on my own. Heavens knows I tried with all the wrong people and at all the wrong times so it's almost unbelievable that an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, shacking up with my boyfriend and reevaluating all of my spiritual beliefs would bring me to such a place of satisfaction. Who knows what the coming weeks will be like and based on what I've heard I can't say I'm *really* looking forward to the lack of sleep, the pain, the insatiable hunger, the adjustments, etc. but I will say this: I could not be more blessed to have the amazing people I have, including the one on the way. So here it goes, a last few days or maybe even weeks of this life I now know left to be enjoyed because the jig is up! Game on! Come on Cocoa Bean! Let the games and fun begin.

How in the world...

Did I get so lucky that: *my Tier 1 is the BEST Tier 1 in the world. Hands down. *my favsian is the cutest, most likeable asian. Period. *my buddy is quite possibly the best match for me. How I'm lucky enough to call these people my friends I'll never know. Le sigh.

Epiphany!

Today was special in so many ways, no extraordinary ways by any means but special nonetheless. I realized that all this time I've been worried and tortured over something that has yet to happen. Granted, this pregnancy is totally unplanned and there are still times I want to throw a tantrum, a la 3-year-old Kezia, and get my life back to the way it "was"--complete with nightcaps, skinny jeans, Weight Watchers and energy that lasted through an entire day. But. Here I am, 5 1/2 months along and gearing up to welcome our little cocoa bean and it took until today to tackle my worst fear: raising a daughter. Ha ha! I've always wanted a boy, that's no secret but the moment I found out it was a girl my heart was plenty content. But those nagging insecurities of raising a girl have haunted me for so long now. Those unanswered questions of how do I raise a daughter without the same issues I endured? And if it'd been a boy, what's his name would have to the role model while I stood idly by, content with being a good mom. Now, the pressure's on! Or so I thought. It took just one person's reaction to my announcement that I was having a girl to make me think...what the hell! What if I don't impose my own weight issues on my daughter and I don't try to live vicariously through her and I don't try to make her someone she's not. WHAT IF....I instill the right amount of confidence, the right amount of grace, armed with plenty of wit and some mad martial arts skills while showing her how to embrace her beauty as a strong, independent, thinking woman?! What if she knows how to drive a stick, parallel park and the major stats of the NBA. What IF. What if she grows into being the badass I think she will be. What if I'm successful and she takes the world by storm like she could. What if she grows up happy, loving herself, valuing her body, her mind and her spirit? It's totally possible, I just hadn't thought about the alternative outcome until now. So game on, Cocoa Bean! Hurry up and get here so I can show you all the things I love about being a female--the sheer strength we can exude under pressure, the love we can emote, the way the right heels empower me, how fun it is to get made up and how beautiful you're going to be even when you're not and the way your precious, lively spirit is going to light up this world like no one I've ever known. I can already tell you're a mover and a shaker! So Cocoa Bean, I'm going to make mistakes--we both know that but I promise you this...that in all I do I will do my best to be the role model you deserve because if it weren't you I'd never have realized how awesome it is to be a woman. One day you'll see too!

Boo hoo.

Today I am a whiny mess. I'm hot, I'm stuffy/congested, I feel gross, I know I look gross, I'm anxious, I'm lazy, I'm bummed, I'm overwhelmed and I'm tired of being told to "track my weight" as it goes up (which isn't half as fun as watching it go down), I'm sore/achy, I'm nothing I want to be in this moment. If I were a 3-year-old I'd be throwing a very nasty temper tantrum. But I'm not. So here I am spewing this negativity into the world wide web hoping I'll feel better in 3....2....1.